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Original poster

To want to set boundaries with widowed parent and how not to feel too guilty or resentful

63 replies

GreatSnail · 19/10/2024 07:27

I'll try to keep it brief as possible.

My parents split up when I was in primary school and my Dad moved back to his home town hours away from where I still live. He met my Step-Mum within a few months and they were together ever since till she passed away 4 months ago, so 30 years.

Step-Mum was a mixed character but very possessive of my Dad and my relationship with her was complicated due to that and that effected my relationship with my Dad so at one stage I had only 'phone contact with him for 6 years. In the last few years Step-Mum became chronically unwell and covid was a thing so I saw my Dad twice in 10 years till Step-Mum died.

As soon as she passed away I went to support him emotionally and practically and stayed for 2 weeks. Then I visited again for a few days after another couple of months and have two more visits planned in the next 6 months.

Dad calls every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day which i've been happy to go along with to support him but he stresses about things he doesn't need to and often, there are things he could do to make life less stressful for himself but he refuses.

I've been happy to step up and help him with things and offer support and visit even though there's lots of aspects of doing that that cause me a lot of stress; because i've been thinking it's early days and things will settle down.

But the last few weeks i've been gently hinting that I can't or don't want to talk to him every day and he just hasn't picked up on the hints. So i've said it out loud and it's clear that he's been expecting me to visit every few weeks and talk at least once a day forever, and he's getting really upset and saying he'll have no-one else to talk to and so on. I'm not suggesting I never talk to him, just not every day and that it's still early days and we can talk every day for now but that isn't healthy long-term for either of us.

If he was a demanding ass-hole it would be easier but he's not, he's just expressing his fears and vulnerability then I feel guilty and pressured.

And the other side is part of me thinks it's a bit of a cheek that he wasn't a particularly involved Father for the majority of my life and now that his circumstances have changed, he's wanting me to be the most important person in his life and for him to be the priority in mine but I don't want to think like that, feel resentful or drag up the past when he's vulnerable.

He's not elderly, he's just retirement age. He can look after himself and the house, he drives, has a dog, IMO no money worries but he still stresses about money. He's a lovely man, never abusive or nasty, not ND but very set in his ways. I don't have kids or other caring responsibilities but do work full-time, albeit remotely which makes it harder to be boundaried as he knows I have the time to talk to him every day.

Any advice from anyone who has gone through this or advice in general would be much appreciated as i've given it four months thinking he'd naturally need less support but he's becoming more not less dependent on me.

OP posts:
Pumpkincozynights · 19/10/2024 07:52

Ok so I don’t know you and don’t have to sugar coat this.
You say he was a lovely man but he really wasn’t was he?
He left you as a child and never gave you a backwards glance. For all he knew you could have been starving to death or being beaten by your other parent/family.
I sincerely believe that you reap what you sow.
He made his bed and I would leave him to lie in it,
He wasn’t calling you twice a day when you needed him was he?
Me-I’d stop answering his calls. Start by not answering today. Then cut it down to answering every other day. Then less frequently.
What excuse did he give for not calling you? Use the same excuse.
I’ve come across many, many people in your situation- mainly always women because women are socialised to always put the feelings of others before them. I can tell you straight that the ones doing what you are get no benefit from it in the long run. All it does is screw them up even more. Reopening wounds and never giving answers.
He isn’t the father you want him to be.
Pull back for your own sake. Quite frankly he will drop you like a tonne of bricks when he meets his next squeeze.

Original poster
GreatSnail · 19/10/2024 07:51

Alalalala · 19/10/2024 07:42

He checked out of your life when it suited him (I’ve experienced the same). Take some time to think about what level of contact you want, and then set some boundaries. And don’t feel guilty. He made his choices.

He never really 'check out', he just went for the easy option and prioritised my Step-Mum which does hurt a lot but since she dies he's been explaining a lot about how controlling she was and so on so I sympathise with him but also, it is very hard not to feel a bit resentful.

That's why i'm trying to establish the boundaries now, just don't want to feel too guilty nor bring up the past to throw at him when he is in the very early stages of grief and living by himself for the first time in his entire life.

Thanks for your post.

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 19/10/2024 07:50

Regarding the phone calls. We had something similar in our family to deal with.

Tell him you will call him at a set time every day but will not accept calls during working hours.

For example if you are driving home from work, use that trip to phone him hands free. Or maybe there’s another time in your day, not in your car, which would suit you better? This gives you back some control.

This worked well for my family member and satisfied the clingy lonely relative.

SardinesOnGingerbread · 19/10/2024 07:50

I'm interested that your narrative of your Dad suggests that he had no agency in your relationship over all that time. He was so fragile and powerless that this step mother made this terrible rift happen, although he would have of course loved a relationship with you and would have grieved his loss of you frequently. From the outside, this man chose selfishly to prioritise someone over his child to suit himself, and then is fully willing to oh so gently guilt trip you into stepping into the gap left by the last woman. I can understand how sad you must have felt by your father's absence, but I do wonder if you never got round to grieving for the man your father actually is - a selfish bell end who has the absolute effrontery to wring you dry for the tail end of his life without a second thought. He wasn't caring for you before, he doesn't care about the impact on you now. I'm so sorry. That is hard. But not acknowledging that and coming to terms with it may end up being harder in the long run.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 19/10/2024 07:49

You can gently name this with him OP - in the kindest, most tactful words you can find, communicate that he wasn't really around when your stepmum was alive so it's not fair to expect you to step into her shoes now and have constant contact with him. Pp have made good suggestions about how to get him more socially active- put them across to him but then it's his responsibility to follow up. I read some famous therapist saying if its a choice between resentment or guilt you should always choose guilt (although you really have nothing to feel guilty about)

Original poster
GreatSnail · 19/10/2024 07:48

MeMyCatsAndI · 19/10/2024 07:33

Bereavement group would be great for him, he'll meet others like him. You have my sympathy op my 80 year old nan recently lost my grandad and she's been like this with everyone despite having social groups & church nearly every day.
We've been trying to get her to join a local widow group too.

Sorry to hear you're going through it too, it's tough!

OP posts:
Bunnie007 · 19/10/2024 07:48

I think maybe try not to worry about this level of contact going on forever. Hopefully your dad will get stronger as time goes on and naturally need to lean on you less. When my friends husband passed another friend and I called her daily for months but eventually she didn’t need that anymore and things naturally changed. With the visits I think just be ‘busy’ and begin to spread them out more and more. Obviously you can put any boundaries you like in place and as you point out he has not been an involved father but I think if you do want to retreat a bit in a kind way it’s best to just engineer it subtly as he’s bound to feel panicky if you suggest it outright (he won’t be able to imagine a time in the future where he won’t rely on you so heavily but it will happen)

YouveGotAFastCar · 19/10/2024 07:44

I’d second recommending bereavement clubs, social clubs for older people, coffee meets for older people, etc. He needs to make new friends.

But I’d also consider telling him that your employer has asked you to start going into the office a few days a week from December or whatever. It might be easier for him to start to accept if he doesn’t think you’re choosing not to talk to him every day, and it’s a fairly harmless lie.

shellyleppard · 19/10/2024 07:43

@GreatSnail definitely a difficult one then. Maybe bereavement support groups??? Or a jigsaw? 😁

Alalalala · 19/10/2024 07:42

He checked out of your life when it suited him (I’ve experienced the same). Take some time to think about what level of contact you want, and then set some boundaries. And don’t feel guilty. He made his choices.

Original poster
GreatSnail · 19/10/2024 07:40

shellyleppard · 19/10/2024 07:31

@GreatSnail i wonder what his social life was like before your step mums passing??? If he was reliant on her for all his social needs it could be he's looking at you to fill the gap in a way?? maybe suggest some social groups or bereavement groups?? My dad goes to one every couple of weeks and it's really helping him socially.

That's definitely part of it.

He's a smoker and before the smoking ban he went to the pub at least one night a week to meet up with friends (he's not a big drinker, he'd have a couple of pints, chat, do a quiz etc) but once the smoking ban came in he stopped so then all of his social life was my Step-Mums family and friends and as usually happens sadly, they checked in on him a few times in the first month but have since fallen away.

There is a social club in his village he's already said he'd try out next spring/summer because like I said, he's a smoker and smoking outside is fine in the spring/summer but not in the piss down rain or cold.

So the time of year isn't ideal, also because he loves his garden and will mow the lawn every few days and potter about doing garden stuff daily in the spring or summer but that's not able to happen for the next few months.

Edit: When i suggested a bereavement group or support he said 'I don't need that, I have you to talk to', which I didn't challenge at the time as that was within a few days of her death but clearly, I should have said it then as we haven't been on the same page the last few months. I'd like ti if he'd consider it now i'm making it clear it's not healthy for me to be his sole social and emotional support.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndI · 19/10/2024 07:33

Bereavement group would be great for him, he'll meet others like him. You have my sympathy op my 80 year old nan recently lost my grandad and she's been like this with everyone despite having social groups & church nearly every day.
We've been trying to get her to join a local widow group too.

shellyleppard · 19/10/2024 07:31

@GreatSnail i wonder what his social life was like before your step mums passing??? If he was reliant on her for all his social needs it could be he's looking at you to fill the gap in a way?? maybe suggest some social groups or bereavement groups?? My dad goes to one every couple of weeks and it's really helping him socially.