To want to set boundaries with widowed parent and how not to feel too guilty or resentful

I would start by calling him every day but you call him then it's at your convenience and you can eg call when you're walking somewhere

I found that knowing what I was feeling and acknowledging it was half the battle. You are incredibly self aware already .

Oh bless you @thepariscrimefiles that's very kind of you.

The 2 phone calls, I put him on speaker phone and say 'yes' occasionally (the monologing means that's all is required of me) whilst I get on with other things, such as scrolling mumsnet or cooking dinner. I limit them to 10/15 minutes at most.

The 'visit' is actually he picks up my DC from school once a week and brings them to my house, so not as onerous for me as it maybe sounds and we're done in 90 minutes.

It feels manageable to me, but very interesting to have your perspective (thank you!) as I still have guilty feelings that it's not enough.

https://www.u3a.org.uk/ - really worth a look for him.

I WhatsApp my family all the time - he needs nudging in this direction! It is a real lifeline for me and I feel a part of what is going on. If he does not reply, then don't give up, just keep messaging.

I don't think you sound harsh at all. I think you sound extremely kind and helpful to a degree that your father actually doesn't deserve.

Have you ever spoken to him about how he treated you growing up? If so, does he take any responsibility for being such an inadequate and selfish parent?

Two phone calls and one visit per week each from you and your brother is a lot and many older people who have been perfectly decent parents don't get that level of contact with their adult children. Is this something that you are doing short-term while he adjusts to his widower status or do you envisage this amount of contact continuing for the rest of his life?

We've had this with my DF after my DM passed 3 years ago. Slightly similar scenario in that both of my parents were emotionally distant and not really 'there for me' growing up (or as an adult), so I learnt early on to be emotionally very self-reliant and cope with things on my own. They were also very insular individuals who retired in their late 50s and didn't pick up any hobbies or interests to keep them occupied in their (long!) retirement.

Since my DM passed my DF (late 70s but physically and mentally in very good health) has retreated into a mindset of 'poor little me, everyone must constantly fuss over me and check that I'm ok'. (I know that sounds harsh, but I've had 3 years of it!) There's also a lot of rewriting of family history, that we're this close unit who must 'stick together' when that was absolutely not my experience growing up.

I've set clear boundaries - I phone twice a week and see him once a week. My DB does the same, so he has 6 days out of 7 with a phone call or visit from one of us. This is still not enough apparently, but I stick to it. I won't take calls during working hours (he thinks wfh means I'm free for a call). We've suggested bereavement clubs, hobbies etc none of which he's interested in (he's 'not ready for that' apparently, and he 'has us'). The phone calls and visits are also 90% him monologing and are incredibly draining.

It's hard and I feel guilty, but I keep to my boundaries and accept that he has the autonomy to fill his days and live his life differently if he chose to. He doesn't want to do that and that's his choice, but it's not my job to fill that gap either.

It's still early days for you - and hopefully your DF will start to take responsibility for himself - but absolutely start putting some boundaries and expectations in place now. You've been very supportive so far, but he can't reasonably expect that to be the new normal, so don't feel guilty about starting to recalibrate things and protect your time and emotional energy.

You d love him to text but he ‘won’t’

Oh well then he can just put up with not being in touch? You know, like you as a child had to?

Or maybe he could get used to texting. You know it’s amazing what people can get used to if they are told - suck it up buttercup. Like, small children told to just suck up not having a dad any more.

Sorry OP but you’re simply being used, this guy has SHOWN you that he does what benefits him and has absolutely ZERO loyalty.

This, sorry.

He wouldn’t have got this far with me. The difference being is that at least he’s an adult, not a child who genuinely needed, and should have been able to expect care and support from, their parent.

So many men like this 😡🤮

Just because he’s old, and because it’s easier mentally OP, don’t make too much of the ‘it’s not his fault’ stuff. It was his fault - he chose a new wife and a new life over his child. He’s a shit.

Bless you. I do agree with others that he won't be alone for long.

I kept my Dad at arms' length for many years until his death and I think you sound much nicer than me and find it harder. It was certainly easier for me to do that because he had a girlfriend pretty much all the time (different ones but the last one was for about a decade).

He desperately needs therapy. I can't imagine in a thousand years that he would accept it but you could suggest it. Bereavement is hard. Cruse are a good starting point. Seeing his GP would be a really good idea too, he may well be clinically depressed.

I agree with the PP who suggests delaying picking up the call. Do you have an answer machine? Maybe they still exist? That way you could hear that he's alive and sounding OK without talking at that exact moment. I agree with taking back your working hours for you.

So you also need a clear plan 😆 to help you wean yourself off being at his beck and call!

Timer, five minutes!
Timer, 10 minutes!

I am smiling and hope you are taking this well.

You need to realise that when you return his call in 10 minutes, he is still alive! Build your security and confidence.

I have very similar feelings to you about my parents. Different background to you, they made their own choices, putting themselves first and before anything we needed. (moved abroad, we saw them once a year).

As they have aged, they need me more, when they returned to the UK they chose to move an hour away from me.

It feels complicated working through your feelings it doesn't it?

I don't resent them their choices, we all have the right to create a life that suits us. However, I keep the same mantra about my choices too and refuse to feel guilty about not being able to be fully there for them.
My parents choices have impacted our relationship and the practicalities of our lives now. These are not of my choosing.

In your situation I wouldn't be as vocal with him about ‘ we will speak in two days’, or ‘in the long term we won’t have this much contact’, he can't process that yet and is scared.

I would very slowly wean him off. (as a teacher/headteacher I have had to do that with parent contact!).

So feed the need now as he is anxious.
Next don't pick up his call but respond five minutes later with a call back, 10 minutes later, 20 minutes later.
In your responses replace a text with a call and extend the time between. Your messages could start to say ‘ busy at work, call in 30’. Eventually you can start to leave the return call to the next day. Eventually you will have a pattern that suits you, but that he is secure with.

Whilst doing that set a date for your next visit, so he knows that he isn't going to be abandoned. Keep reminding him of the visit. Plan to go out together, local pub, a group etc, to give him a start. Repeat the next time you visit. He might continue without you, he might not, but you have given him the support, his choice if he doesn't.

I manage my parents in a similar way. We talk once a week by phone. If I'm busy and miss the call I return it as soon as I can. Sometimes I'm not up to talking either and I return the missed call at a later time. I have tried going out to groups with them when I'm there and ask about them when I call. They don't really maintain the opportunities they have around them, but that is their choice.

I've accepted that our relationship is only OK, we are not really close. That is the choices they made and I am not going to feel guilty about that.

You sound really caring. Look after you!

@GreatSnail You may find the Elderly Parents board is a more supportive place for your question

You were a primary aged child when moved away to his home town, married your step-mum and stepped away from your relationship. I think that was unforgiveable and he is very entitled to believe that he is deserving of your time and attention with daily phone calls and regular visits.

He was a dreadful father to you and you shouldn't feel any guilt about setting boundaries.

Feelings aren’t facts, just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you should. Therapists say to sit with the guilt and I have found that helpful as guilt is a horrible feeling and often we will do anything to stop it.

he is manipulating you, pulling on your heart strings in my opinion. He needs a woman to look after him, doesn’t matter who it is.

Sending love and strength to you. What a difficult mix of emotions. My mother is bereaved and we don't have the complex history and I've still had to put in my own boundaries as the effect on my own wellbeing, my grief and my family was growing and growing. I also don't share my full diary and bend the truth. A work call might actually be a speed bath before having to pick up kids or a dentist appt might actually be a quiet walk to bakery for my own sanity.
Id ask you to consider that to be kind, these boundaries will benefit him too. There's lots of great helplines that are a listening ear. Would it be worth earmarking a time each week that suits you that you can have a proper chat? Or would it be possible to extend the time gap each time? Eg I'll ring you on Monday then Thursday then Wednesday then next Wed etc !?

Maybe suggest a time for a call each day so that at the very least you feel a bit in control. Tell him this would suit you best as you have work and other commitments. And during those calls, talk to him about ways he can open up his life a bit. Maybe research some ideas for him yourself.
You are both making up for lost time but.this has to be in a balanced way.
I am widowed ... it is pretty bloody tough TBH especially as I have been ill .... but I am determined that my troubles should be as little burden to my family as possible. It is a difficult balance as, like you, they want to help and I have to consider that, but I also make sure I talk a lot about all the things I am doing to fill my life, which is what your dad does not have ... yet.
I am lucky to have musical interests and talents so these fill a good chunk of my life. I also belong to the local U3A (and in fact run concert trips for them) and they are a godsend ... endless interest groups and social events ... you might research this in your area.
By the way .... I am quite a bit older than him!
Good luck with this.

How about you try to set a particular time for one call each day and then don’t pick up if he calls other times? You could agree one call a day and if he needs anything else then it’s WhatsApp. Explain that you have work. Then, set a routine where you meet for Sunday lunch once every two weeks/ frequency that suits you.

You need to tell him that you can call him twice a week, yes he'll be upset, allow him to be upset. He has to go through that upset to work out how to handle it going forward.

Have a think about when best to break that to him and make sure you have something to look after yourself with, as you'll be understandably upset too. Maybe have something to look forward to after the call.

Do some research into stuff he can fill his time with and meet new people and encourage him as much as possible to do those things.

Here's one:

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/

Be ready for him to put up all sorts of reasons why he shouldn't but keep reminding him he needs to find other ways to connect with people and live his life. You can't be it all for him.