To think it’s perfectly reasonable to divorce over sex?

@Thepossibility

I married my DH to have a lifetime with my best friend, to make a family together and to support each other through life hopefully until we are old and sex is a distant memory. I wouldn't give that up because he lost interest in sex, that's madness.

It’s interesting reading these perspectives: tbh this is the opposite of how I feel or what I want.

To me what you have described sounds nice and solid but it sounds like a good friendship. Lovely and very supportive but I can’t see why one would bother marrying for that. It just seems a lot of legal and financial baggage for a good friend.

I absolutely love living with DH. And sex is such a tiny part of that. It's not even 1% of the glue that holds us together.

That’s an enviable state that get to. I have never really enjoyed living with men so I suppose sex is one of the few justifications for having them around for me. But then I don’t want to get married either.

Lots of relationships go through sexless periods and libido waxes and wains and that’s absolutely normal and fine.

But I do think it’s unreasonable for someone to expect to remain in a permanent union if sex has been indefinitely taken off the table. Fine if it works for the other partner but if it’s unilateral it’s very unfair.

I don’t think it is about being highly motivated to have sex, this is about intimacy, or rather lack of it, which doesn’t have to result in sex.
A marriage, which is friendship, of course can work, if both people, are happy with this arrangement.

I think if you are so highly motivated by sex then you probably shouldn't get married. Keep your options open. I married my DH to have a lifetime with my best friend, to make a family together and to support each other through life hopefully until we are old and sex is a distant memory. I wouldn't give that up because he lost interest in sex, that's madness.

My sex drive has always been low though I've always had a very active sex life since I was 16 in every relationship I've been in. I was lying to myself because I wanted to have a bigger drive than I did and wanted to keep my partner happy.

Now I'm early 40s with two young kids. I basically stopped having sex after baby number one because I honestly had no drive or desire. The longer I didn't have sex the less I desired it until its nearly become repulsive to me. I've no desire to masterbate either.

I'm not sure if it's the medication I'm on, I suspect it is but I don't care, I'll probably never have sex again and I'm OK with that.

My husband went elsewhere - but by that time we felt totally friend zoned. We're both sad we let our relationship slide when kids came, I naively thought we were strong enough to forgo sex for a lengthly period but when we lost the sex we lost the intimacy and I feel that's even more important than sex.

Some people don’t have sex for health reasons. It would be cruel beyond belief if your spouse either went looking elsewhere or divorced you because you weren’t very well.

'Six months isn't very long though. My husband hasn't wanted any kind of intimacy with me for 11 years, that's no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no casual touch. It's awful. I definitely feel it's a deal-breaker'. @Dawevi

What does he say about this? Because it IS a dealbreaker and I can't believe you've lived like this for 11 years! Why the hell won't he hug you? It sounds like abuse.

See, I find this hard to understand but I have come to realise over the years that my sex interest is much lower than your average person, so it must be very hard for someone who has a higher than average sex interest. Not saying you do, just if someone does.

Maybe age comes into it too. Now in my early 50s and would be happy to leave that part of life alone. However, I do my wifely duty.

Then, that would mean the person would be staying for just financial reason.Yes marriage is contract, that shouldn’t mean a person, should expect the other, to stay in a loveless marriage, have no intimacy because it’s about 2 people not just one.
It’s probably why less people are getting married today, they don’t feel they need a contract, you stay because it’s working, not because you’re tied contractually to another person.

As people like to point out on here, marriage is a contract and even if parted before death, divorce ensures that the woman (usually) isn't shafted if she has taken career gaps to raise kids etc.

THIS

No, that’s not what the post is about.When you’ve just had a baby and breastfeeding, understandably sex isn’t at the top of your list.This is more about no intimacy for years, the other person just having to accept that and then really missing that intimacy.
I can completely understand, why, someone wouldn’t want to continue with the marriage, without any kind of intimacy (hugging kissing) wouldn’t that then just be a friendship.
Marriages can work this way, only if both people, are ok with this, otherwise there can be long term resentment, not really a good foundation for a happy marriage.

I can't understand it either. People love to spout the 'nobody is entitled to sex' line, but equally nobody is entitled to keep a partner who is unhappy in the arrangement. If my partner suddenly didn't want sex for the foreseeable future I'd leave. I don't want that kind of relationship and that's fine, I can have sexless relationships with anybody, friends family etc. I'd even stay friends if we split presuming they hadn't done anything else I couldn't live with. I'd just not be interested in that kind of relationship when I could have a fulfilling, exciting, sexual relationship elseware.

This is the biggest ‘pick me’ post I’ve ever read on here.

We get it. You love to shag. It’s the most important part of a marriage and all women should be like you regardless of bereavement and childbirth. Your husband must be so lucky you couldn’t wait to hop back into bed 3 weeks after giving birth!!!

Sorry. I meant that a a reltaionship should NOT be built on sex alone

So what if you have told your partner that you do not want to have sex?? But that you love them and will do anything in your power to make them happy?

Who is right? Who is wrong? or is it just a matter of incompatibility?

I really don't think that a meaningful relationship should be built on sex alone, so where do we go??? Both partners have rights, but a recently post partum woman shouldn't be pressurised/coerced into it

Hmm, I've just seen that you don't mean coz of illness, but coz of "shutting up shop".
Is it so different though?

Surely if one of you has "stopped" with no reason explained, no effort to seek advice, no respect for the partner who has been told they must "go without", then that would be a very hard pill to swallow.

I can understand pp saying that you can divorce for whatever reason(s) you feel are relevant to the breakdown of the partnership or marriage...

For me, I'd need to feel totally justified, and be in the knowledge that I tried "everything"...

Whatever the situation, you shouldn't be made to feel you have to live unhappily.

I'd want my partner to be with me coz they want to, not coz they feel pressured or coz they couldn't afford to separate, or any other reason.

OP, you need to do what's best for YOU, cos inevitably, if you are unhappy, that will affect your partner, and any children, or anyone who cares for you... you won't be able to hide it, and these things eat away at you...
You get one life, don't waste it.

Yeah @Dawevi Just remember not to mention it on here if/when you do

I agree with you, in fact I feel sex without intimacy is just lust... though sporadically, that can be fun too.

It must be awful if you can't "go all the way" (or any way at all) if it's because of poor health.
Especially if you initially thought it would be for a set period to allow good recovery, but then if the recovery time goalposts keep moving ever further away, it must take unending patience, understanding and love.

If the foundation of your loving relationship is friendship, and I mean proper deep committed friendship without resentments, then surely you can get through it.

I'm saying this as person that's going through this at present.

I adore (or used to) sex with my partner, and I'm keeping faith that "one day" the condition will become more manageable, and we can return to that joyful union,
BUT, I truly believe that if that can't happen, then I can deal with it, as it's only one part of a relationship that has been compromised.

It's difficult, coz not all couples are the same, and we all have varying needs and limitations on compromise.

I guess that a couple has to do what best for them both, with neither of them being made to feel "less", or not worthy.

I'm probably saying this all wrong, but I do agree it's a potentially complex situation.

I think it's absolutely fine to feel like that and to act on it, whether that's leaving or asking for an open relationship or whatever works really.

I think spouses should manage through temporary lulls but I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to forgo sex for the rest of their life just because their spouse wishes to.

Whether it means divorce or a blind eye being turned on affairs or an actual open relationship is for each couple to navigate I guess.

@scranonstrangler good fo you.

Thing is people don't get married for the sex.

In sickness and in health. Even when menopause or bereavement etc affect intimacy.

Sex can also be another demand at the end of the day when you're struggling to stay awake. Or when you'd rather chill with a book.