I feel an urge to write a letter to my ex husband

I'm with everyone else. Write but don't send.

I wouldn't write to him - of course he knows that he has treated you like shit and that your life bringing up the children is a lot harder than his! He knows it and he doesn't care and writing him a letter won't change that. He's a selfish man who puts his own desires before anyone else, including his own children.

What you need to find is acceptance. You have your children and you will always have a closer relationship with them because you are the one who's there for them. Don't give your resentment of him headspace. Concentrate on what you can do to improve your own life. Find a way to fit in a bit of time for you, to exercise/see friends/pursue a hobby. Don't waste your time and energy on thinking about him.

He doesn't care. If you are trying to make him feel bad, he won't. However, if you need to get it out of your system, write it down, but don't send it. Maybe burn it or something else symbolic? You need to let go of these feelings, they don't bring you any benefit.

I was going to say write it and burn it, best way to do it.

Write it, burn it and repeat as often as you need to. Never let this man know he still has any power over you.

Voodoo doll can't hurt either, you anyway.

Write it, file it and never send it. You'll never change him nor what he's done but he will manipulate that letter.
My ex did something horrible to me and his response to the email I sent was ' we were expecting your email today'. I never did it again!
It's really hard I know but a letter won't change him

I agree - write it but don't send it. A man capable of walking out on a 3 and 5 year old and the woman who gave birth to them is capable of casually mentioning to them that mum has been whinging that they are such hard work and she hasn't enjoyed raising them. Which wouldn't be true, but I wouldn't trust such a man to keep that letter to himself or to feel any remorse when he read it.

I think because a letter survives and can be quoted out of context and may rebound on OP in some horrible way, particularly if it was shown to her children and perhaps to her parents or other loved ones who are vulnerable and might be distressed by it.
Should men who abandoned their families be told what feels like? Yes, but in some other way.

The message will be lost on someone like the ops ex husband. It won’t change a thing and he won’t have an epiphany. He’ll just be a smug bastard who thinks his ex has never got over him.

When he's old and lonely, I suspect your children won't be fully there for him and he can reflect on his life choices. You sound a wonderful mum.

You're not unreasonable to WANT to tell your ex what a miserable time he's given you, and writing a letter is a good idea, but please don't send it because you would have no control over how your ex responds to you, or who he shows the letter to. He might let your children see it one day, and they might be really upset.
You're doing an amazing job in difficult and unfair circumstances, whether your ex recognises this or not.

Can all the PP's who say "write it then burn it", "see a therapist" etc. etc. please tell me why she shouldn't send it?
Why shouldn't we tell men when they do this stuff. Why should they think it's acceptable?

Seems like we've not been telling them for a few decades that this is not okay, because they are abandoning their wives and children left, right and center.

Shouldn't they know?

Just write it and send it. Life is too short to be the bigger person, tell him what a hopeless man he is and then move on.

I totally get the sentiment of wanting to tell him how hard it’s been but agree with other posters that it won’t help. I am
in a similar situation however I have a great relationship with my kids and he doesn’t. They figured out what a shallow twat he is long ago so I feel he is the only loser. Be
proud of what you have achieved and be proud of your family. X

Writing it down might make you feel better but it won't make him feel accountable or responsible. It won't get you an apology or thanks. If you do write a letter don't post it. Probably don't even keep it because the content might hurt your children.

Definitely write it down. It will feel good to let it all out.

But don't send it to him. You won't get the reaction or appreciation you are after.

If you are struggling to move on and hold resentment towards him, try counseling.

He sounds like a useless father and I am sorry you had to go through this. Your kids are lucky to have you!

Do not ever send him the letter. No good will come of it. As he is the one who left for someone else he will never really understand the grief of that happening to you.

I agree with all the others. Write it down but never give it to him. Unfortunately he clearly doesn't care if he was able to do what he's done. But in time your children will see the situation for what it is and how much you have done for them.

Depends what you want to achieve with this letter. If you want him to realise how hard it is to raise children alone and feel some remorse, this is unlikely to happen unless he comes to that realisation himself.

Because, if the children were 5 and 3 when he left, he would have been able to see how hard it is with children at that point and up to that point - it's hardly easy at that stage. If he didn't care then, he won't now.

I’m sorry your ex is a twat OP.

Don’t pour your heart out to him about how hard it’s been. He doesn’t care. He knows it’s hard with DC and he hasn’t had any more or pushed for 50%.

You’ve done so well doing all the hard work for 8y. Your children know who’s been there for them for all those winter mornings, through all the stresses and challenges of every day life. And they will also be closer to you because of it. I know you don’t see it when you’re in the daily grind and routine, but your life with your DC is something to be cherished. He sounds selfish and has missed out on so much. And it will get easier as DC grow up, mature, have more of a social life etc.

In the meantime, could you treat yourself to a weekend away with a friend at some point soon and have DC stay at friends or family?

💐

He left the mother of his children to shoulder the burden of life as a single parent.

It’s not such a stretch.

Write it, but don’t send it. My father was unpleasant, manipulative bully who I cut off finally just before my 40th birthday. After months of worrying I had made the wrong choice I decided to write him a letter.
It ended up being 8 pages long. I felt so much better for it, but chose not to send it, as he would have only used it as a weapon to beat me with. Plus, I didn’t want him in my life anymore.
But writing about it felt so helpful and in times of weakness, when my grandparents (his parents) try to wear me down, it reminds me of why I went no contact with him.

Op

Your letter will not raise a single ounce of remorse in this utter asshole

I admire you for managing all you have done and surviving what he did to you but looking back in his direction is not going to help you emotionally

It will get easier with the kids and one day you will let go of the anger.

Forgiveness is the best form of self interest

The thing is, 8 years later they’re still happy and having a lovely life, so as far as he’s concerned, he’s made the right decision. He’s not going to say anything that will make you feel better. Being angry and miserable will just validate his decision.

Write it and burn it, is a good idea. Maybe also therapy.

By writing this letter you are giving him power over your inner most thoughts and feelings.

and you lose control. His new wife will read it, he might show it to your children.

he won’t suddenly regret his actions. He might use it to double down - see it was a miserable life, glad I’m out.

he’s a disappointment of a man. Let it go.