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Original poster

Does anyone have a marriage where the mental loa is truly equally shared?

55 replies

Poiul · 18/10/2024 15:23

Or is that disparity just the price you pay
for being a woman?

I’m engaged to a lovely, modern man. We definitely share 50% of chores. We have both done well academically and professionally. On paper I have probably surpassed him in fact. Df definitely respects me as an individual and would never expect me to be his “mummy” and iron his shirts. But I will as an expression of my appreciation for him if he is running behind.

I have just noticed that I am more thoughtful. I just think about things that would never enter his brain. And on a more strategic level. He isn’t on my level with thoughtfulness but he’s pretty good by most standards. But the standard is shit let’s be honest. He will buy presents for his nephews, organise meals out, plan holidays and run baths for me etc.

Im just worried that once kids enter the mix I’ll start resenting him for somewhat deferring to me. Albeit not intentionally.

Df’s brother just had a baby. As one of our gifts I crocheted a mini replica of their dog for the new baby. Everyone loved it. I know I enjoy these sort of things so perhaps I’m being harsh. I just would’ve liked something really thoughtful to come from Df - his ideas are all a bit generic.

Am I just overthinking this? I’m scared that I will resent Df. But obviously he’s a guy so many would accept that his brain is wired differently.

I can picture writing a note from the tooth fairy in a few years and being pissed off that I’m the one who thought of it/doing it.

OP posts:
EggnogAnd · 18/10/2024 15:49

I have just noticed that I am more thoughtful. I just think about things that would never enter his brain. And on a more strategic level.

Df’s brother just had a baby. As one of our gifts I crocheted a mini replica of their dog for the new baby. Everyone loved it. I know I enjoy these sort of things so perhaps I’m being harsh. I just would’ve liked something really thoughtful to come from Df - his ideas are all a bit generic.

That's not 'thoughtful' or 'strategic', though -- that's 'I like doing my craft and decided to make a present.' I am a woman and it would not have occurred to me to buy or make a present for any of DH's (very nice) siblings' babies, because they're his family. Similarly, it would not occur to me to criticise whatever he did get them as a present as 'generic'. Newborn babies are pretty generic, after all.

What do you mean when you say you are more thoughtful and 'strategic'? Because at the moment it sounds as if you're creating 'wifework' for yourself.

RomeoRivers · 18/10/2024 15:48

In my marriage it’s shared.

DH deals with all car things, insurances, treatments + appointments for the dog, the kids’ dentist, vaccinations + hair cuts, airport parking, flights, laundry, gardening, bin days, bills, he does mornings + kids’ breakfast etc

I do our social calendar, kids’ activities, pick holidays, pack for holidays, pick decor, most of the cooking, family finances, kids’ clothes, I make lunch + dinner etc

We both contribute equally for kids’ presents (meaning they are unintentionally spoiled 😂), we do online food shopping together, bath + bedtime equally.

He does more cleaning and tidying around the house. I probably change more nappies and exclusively breastfeed.

He is the sole breadwinner and I’m a SAHM.

CheeseWisely · 18/10/2024 15:39

The mental load split probably swings my way, but my DH does 100% of the cooking for the family, and more than his fair share of housework. He is also completely equal in what he does for our baby (aside from feeding him at the moment but not much he can do about that).

With all that considered, my taking on a little more of the mental load in terms of diary management, life admin etc isn't exactly unfair.

Tulip8 · 18/10/2024 15:36

I just think we're different people so come up with different ideas and enjoy different tasks more. Ie I might do the whole tooth fairy thing but dh would make Christmas puddings with the DC. He chooses much better gifts but I write and send cards....

It's a partnership! It's no good if you both do the same things.

Cookiecrumblepie · 18/10/2024 15:36

Yes I am, but I think you do what a lot of women do, that you impose your standards on someone else. It’s not done “properly” or “good enough” unless it’s done your way. Thats not going to work. If someone else shares the load, they do the load their way. You don’t get to dictate how someone carries out daily tasks. Or if you think you’re better and you want to do it your way, then you need to do the task. What kills a relationship is someone wanting someone else to do things THEIR way. Doesn’t work.