To think that friends should always come before partners?

Op, I’ve been with my husband since 1995.

My oldest friend and I have been pals since 2006.

Why would I prioritise my friend over my husband every single time?

I value both, but for me my husband will always come first.

I think it's necessary to prioritise both. I have never dropped my friends when I've been in relationships but I started to see less of them when I had a boyfriend because I also wanted to see him.

Then I got married/had kids and I see even less of them because it's just not practical. They also have their commitments but we make an effort to put a date in the diary for catch ups. Some friends have moved away so I haven't seen them in years, I've made new friends along the way and the local ones I see more of but not even weekly because it's a juggling act between work, hobbies, husband, kids.

If I had organised a night in with the husband and a friend rang me in floods of tears then I would drop plans with my husband and go and be there for my friend and I would do the same the other way round too.

I would find it strange if my friends who had partners were always trying to spend time with me and not them but I also wouldn't appreciate being entirely dropped for a new boyfriend but I would expect them to see less of me.

Married 20 plus years to an amazing man and father of my dc who has shown me nothing but love and support. Yep he comes first no question. Friends have come and gone over the years - he hasn’t.

Do you have a partner, OP?

I think cancelling pre-arranged plans is rude whether you are cancelling plans with friends or with someone you are in a relationship with, unless the cancellation is due to an emergency.

❓
Too confusing.
As a 45 yo, I prioritise my husband over "friends", who are usually a pain in the arse and energy takers.
But everyone to their own.

I think it depends on your stage in life if your young and single andxuou are friends with someone who regularly drops her friends everytime they gey a new boyfriend, and expect, s ti able, to Pick up the friendship whenever the new relationship ends
Than yes you have a point
But if you are in a long term committed relationship ,of many years standing
Than really your partner should come first.

I think the father of my children should come first, for both my sake and the sake of my children.

You sound very naive and probably quite young.

This. depends what you mean by take preference?

When I started dating my DH I did not drop my friends to see him because I love them.

However, now I have a family, its just not practical for me to be hanging out with my mates every weekend at bars and clubs as I used to in my 20s and they cant do that either as they also have family commitments. Therefore, you do see a bit less of your friends when you are in different life stages. That doesnt mean you dont care for them or cant find other ways to keep in contact and meet up though. I'm still great friends with the people I met at school and we are still very close.

@HonestBrickSquid not really because there is nuance in most situations. If you're talking about your friend never seeing you once she gets into a new relationship then I can understand your point. If you're talking about your friend prioritising her long term partner's 40th birthday over your 37th birthday then I don't understand your point. That's why examples would be helpful. Prioritising one person over everyone else (whether that be friend or partner) is not healthy.

you have used “partner” in your title. People are naturally going to equate that to long term live with relationships not “boyfriends”. I have been married over 30 years, together for over 40 years, the people I would ALWAYS ( as per your title) prioritise above my husband are pretty much non existent. There are maybe a handful of people I would sometimes prioritise over my husband depending on the situation but these would generally be family (our children, my parents) possibly a few close friends if they were having a hard time like going through a divorce or illness and it’s difficult to comprehend my husband objecting to that. So no I don’t agree friends should always come before partners, in fact I think that’s completely wrong.

I'd be pissed off if my husband always priorised his friends over me and our kids.

He's never had to choose though fortunately.

Having read your posts, I think this is a more emotional subject for you than one for detached discussion.

My brother is long-term single and he depends on friendships for his support network. However, he is careful to not put too much expectations on his friends because he realises that their personal lives and romantic interests will take precedence over him. And he has no chance competing against a spouse! And this goes for friends of both genders.

I say this with huge kindness and concern for you - you need to spread out your friendships so that you’re not dependent on a single person or a small group. You also have to give them some flexibility to disappear and reappear, and accept them back without recrimination. People’s families and romances will take priority over friendships, harsh as that may sound. You need to find a way to build your network accepting this fact. It’s not as impossible as it sounds, because my brother has done it

You can't be much over 13 yourself using 'tell me... without telling me'.

It's compromise surely, in the early stages of a dating relationship no way would I prioritise a man I had just started seeing over girlfriends of several years (yes Phoebe I mean you)

You silly muffin

I prioritise my partner - I love him, see him daily and share my life with him. Friends… I share bits of my life with but it’s very very different.

I guess, using your language, he’s my best friend.

I think something shifts when people start getting serious, married, kids etc. As a married mum, my kids and husband come above all my friends. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them or make time for them, I certainly do!

My friendships are important. My marriage is important. I can't say I've been in a situation where I've had to make a direct choice between one or the other. There have been times where either important relationship has required more of me. Sometimes my friends come first if their situation demands it - my husband wouldn't want me to be less of a friend to the people I love. I don't think I would have married him if he wanted me all to himself all the time!

I don’t think it’s a matter of prioritisation, just a life shift. Before I met my partner I used to go out a lot, and then just went out a bit less when we got together. I now spend more time with him because we live together and my friends have moved about - we all now live in different areas. It’s not about who is more important at all, it’s just that life happens!

Are you the one not currently in a relationship, op?

Yes, this is exactly what I meant as well

Some of us have our cake and eat it. I married my best friend, and utter soul mate.

Forgive me, I think you might be still at the “boyfriend” stage, nothing wrong with this, but once you commit to someone, either married or as a long term partner, your relationship with friends will change a little bit. There possibly won’t be as much time spent with friends, but that doesn’t mean the love, liking and respect you have for them changes, but it’s quite likely that your friends themselves will be going through the same life phase. You adapt. But I could never imagine not putting my life partner first.

I agree with previous posters - it depends on context! Flaking on you to go out with a new crush incessantly is unfair and you wouldn’t be unreasonable to be annoyed. Missing an arranged night out with friends because a life-long partner is very sick/had a bereavement/big life change etc. then you would be unreasonable to expect them to come.

You sound very young.

I've been with my partner for more than 15 years, we've lived together for most of that time. We own a house and are expecting a baby. Lots of friendships have come and gone for both of us in that time. I love my friends but it would be very strange of me to prioritise them over my partner and the life we've built together. The same way that I understand that my friends' relationships with their partners should take precedence over me.