To think that friends should always come before partners?

Do you ever consider friends part of your family? If not why not? I'm finding this subject quite fascinating.

See I even disagree with this. We are past the honeymoon stage, we’re married and have a home and child together, so we have very limited “free” time between work, keeping on top of the house/life admin, looking after a baby etc. If my husband and I have 1 child free night a month and we choose to spend that going out separately with our friends, how long do you think our marriage would stay healthy and loving?

How long do you think a couple stays happy and in love without having any true quality time together? Not long.

I think there should be a balance

It is very true, no matter the age, that when a new man comes along, friends generally get dumped.

I can't speak for the situation with men and new relationships

I think children tend to push out friends more, particularly if the friend doesn't have children, common ground reduces and children are a pretty full on commitment.

From my limited experience of divorces, one of the couple is definitely not prioritising their partner over their friends or their own desires. So, you’ve sort of answered your own question there.

I disagree with you partly because partners that you marry become family which always come first imo! Family are really important to me so I would always put them first tbh

In the honeymoon stage there is little room for friends because the relationship is so intense, or probably should be, if it's not that's probably another problem. Once the relationship is ticking along plenty of room for friends too.

Sure, but when that life partnership dissolves because one party wants to have sex with someone else (and, lest you accuse me of cynicism, look at the divorce stats), surely it makes more sense to regard as friendships as more stable than your relationship with the person with whom you shared finances, credit score, children, bodily fluids, NoK status, children, until you suddenly didn't.

Continuing to want to have sex with one another is not necessarily the most stable or long-lived basis for an ongoing relationship.

As lots of people have said, it’s because of the word you yourself used: they are your PARTNER.

The person who you are going to spend every day of the rest of your life with.

Friends and a partner need different things from you surely?

It all depends on the circumstances.

And if someone was being unreasonable or controlling.

But if it was an out and out need on both sides, I think partner would come first (like the example a pp gave where both need a kidney - assuming it was an actual life partner and not just a boyfriend/ girlfriend)

Holiday with you or his mates every year, he goes with his mates. Can’t see you on your birthday because it’s his mate at work’s birthday too. Want a nice romantic night in, sorry my mates have asked if I want to go to the pub and a curry again, yes I know I went last week but still, it’s my mates. See how ‘always’ would work.

I think your question is really interesting. And important. I think most people prioritise their partners over their friends and your post makes me wonder why. Why are friends less important? Why do we create hierarchies of love?

I love my friends. But no, they dont take priority over my husband of 20years. I also don’t come first for them either and I wouldn’t expect to.

I share a mortgage, house, insurance, credit score, next of kin, emergency contact, family, bed, fluids - basically my whole life with my DH. So of course he's a priority over everyone else. He's the one who soothes me when I've had a nightmare, bathed me when I was too sick to do it myself, and cleaned my bedsheets after I had explosive diarrhoea. My friends will eventually have their own families to prioritise and won't be making life decisions based on me (e.g they won't turn down a job because they don't want to live away from me), my partner would. And I would do the same for them. Friendships are important but a life partnership is not comparable.

I think that will vary for everyone depending on how they conduct their friendships. My friends are people I have a laugh with, not generally people who I lean on, have deep meaningful conversations with or would expect to drop everything for me. So DH would always be much more of priority to me than them.

But for some people friends are soul mates who they may have known for much longer than their partner and then it may be different.

I prioritise my partner. Is that weird?! I plan on spending my entire life with him. We have DC. I love my friends and I value and care for them, but I might not grow old with them. I haven’t dropped friends or stopped seeing and caring about them, but my family comes first and DH is my family.

I agree you shouldn’t drop friends for your partner, it does end up happening naturally when children come along I found, because you are often all at different life stages, it is often children that are incompatible with friendships, not the partner.

I haven’t stopped my friendships nor has my partner but we are each others friend too, he is not just my romantic partner I see him as one of my best friends. Otherwise why would I be with him?

You can have both friends and a partner correct but sometimes it’s not that simple

Anyone cancelling plans regularly is a bit flaky and best avoided imo.

I spend time with my friends when we plan stuff. If it’s a last minute “fancy a walk to the pub?” then I’m less likely to be free or have the energy/inclination for that if I’m also in a relationship and spending some of my free time with him.

If I have 7 free nights and my friend wants to go out on Friday night of course I’m in. I have 6 other nights to do shopping, spend time with my DCs, watch my favourite TV shows, recharge my social batteries, read a book, get little jobs done after work etc.

If I’m seeing my BF on 3 of those nights and now only have 4 nights to work with, then I’m still going to want a couple of nights to myself. So if my friend wants to go out on one of my free nights it will depend if I still have enough spare time and energy to do everything else.

If she wants to plan something I’m in, but spontaneous plans not so much. And she’s exactly the same. It makes me realise actually how often it’s me driving our meet ups when I’m in a relationship and don’t suggest it as often.

Absolutely disagree with this UNLESS you are single or still in your 'finding Mr Right' phase.

Your life partner IS the best friend you have. You don't buy property or have kids with your mates!

So basically you are brassed off because your mates have couple up and now have less time to spend doing friend things.

Tbh you probably need to grow up a bit. Few friendships are as long lasting as the partner people end up settling down with for life and it would be foolish for people to prioritise their mates over someone they may spend 30 years with sharing a home, a family, a life.

No, I'd put my partner first.

Yes Husband is my priority.

However I do have sympathy if you are talking about friends who dump you when latest new crush comes along. Not really a matter of age as this can happen at any age. - more to do with longevity.. is it a serious life partner of just another squeeze...

I'm afraid it's not a very supportive comment of the sisterhood - but women and girls are really bad for this.. men are much more. 'I've made plans with Tom we are meeting up tonight. Are you free tomorrow ?

Whereas women with new bf much more likely to say ' Hi Sarah. I'm really sorry but can't make the cinema after all , Pete has got us tickets to ... (whatever) ... to make this worse - this flaky behaviour is usually delivered by text as too cowardly to be bollocked by phone .

Both are important my close friends are family.

No one can ‘always’ prioritise one over the other. It depends on individual situations and circumstances doesn’t it.

Absolutely this.

Of course noone should ditch their friends when they get a partner but it's ridiculous to think your friends should be prioritised over the person you build a family with.

I'd be bloody livid if my DH prioritised his mates over me and our children. It's completely out of order and wrong.