To think that friends should always come before partners?

You’ve never been in love by the sound of it OP. You’ll get there one day.

At this time I am single my best friend has been married 20 years. It would never even occur to me that she should put me first. Friendships change when partners and kids are in the mix. Just because you are not the center of their world doesn't mean the friendship is flawed.

I think the problem becomes one of time and need plus money doesn’t it.

Say you are single no caring responsibility’s just work and home. Then you have every night and weekend to catch up, go out have a natter with friends and family. You also have nobody who’s always there as a sounding board, an emotional help, a travel buddy and so on so friends fill all these gaps.

Add in a partner and now that’s taken some time away, your partner is now often your sounding board and emotional help, you also now have more time restraints as it’s not just your friends and family, it’s now spending time just with them, spending time with their family as well as your own often, what might of been yours and Becky going for a holiday together so you where not alone is now you and your partner going. That’s now less money/annual leave to use for friends.

Then you get married and have children. Now you’ve got even less time for the friends because the children and nuclear family time trumps all.

It’s about how relationships including just friendships have to change and evolve as we get older and have more commitments in life.

It’s not dropping friends like hot turds that’s wrong but it’s about knowing that an every other day catch up is often going to slip into a once a fortnight or so.

Doesn’t mean you’re not friends you are all just bloody busy. I’ve got friends I’ll talk to once a week others I might not talk to for a month, it’s never strained though it’s always like we only spoke yesterday when we do catch up.

Boromir would not have gone off the rails if Aragorn had ditched Arwen for him. Gandalf and Sauron had one hell of a back story. Merry and Pippin's marriages did not last.

As much as I value my friendships - dh is my husband and father of my kids. He’s my best friend. I would always prioritise him before friends.

I’ve not been in a position where I felt I’ve had to choose & I can’t imagine a scenario where I would need to?

Totally! Bros before Hoes!

That said, I do 'ship' Legolas and Gimli, so I'm not the best person to answer.

By the time a relationship is truly a partnership then partners come first.

If you are just dating, boyfriend/girlfriend then maybe friends come first.

But partners, spouses trump friends.

You have to invest time and attention and have fallings out and convergences with a new potential life partner in a way that is just not true of friendship. You need to know each other waking and sleeping and build a shared life with aligned values. You become part of each other's kin group.

Sure, but when that life partnership dissolves because one party wants to have sex with someone else (and, lest you accuse me of cynicism, look at the divorce stats), surely it makes more sense to regard as friendships as more stable than your relationship with the person with whom you shared finances, credit score, children, bodily fluids, NoK status, children, until you suddenly didn't.

Friendships dissolve often too- google "my friend ghosted me" and you'll find literally hundreds of posts about it

Because I havent built a joint life with my friends. I dont share a mortgage with my friends, I dont share a child with my friends, I dont share finances with my friends. If I wanted to move to Australia for example, I wouldnt check my plans first with my friends to ensure they were on board with it because they were coming with me, nor would I expect them to upend their lives to come with me, as I would with a partner.

Surely this is quite obvious?

I think the partner thing is a red herring. Of course it's normal to properties partners. Partners are usually a person's main family, not a casual boyfriend.

From your updates though it seems that you're really asking is whether it's ok to prioritise new and less central relationships, at the expense of your old ones. This crosses the friend/romantic line. I would never prioritise a brand new friend over my husband of 15 years. I would also never prioritise a brand new friend over my best friend of 20 years, or over my parents. But that's not because friendship trumps romance, it's because those networks of support are embedded into a mutual reliance and love. By the same token, I wouldn't prioritise a new romantic partner or a sibling who I'm not close to over a very good friend needing me.

Having said all this though, when you get down to it, very rarely are there situations where you genuinely need to rank your relationships in this way. If your friends aren't making enough time for you, it's time to re evaluate the friendship. Are you expecting too much from a friendship where people are busy? Or are they taking you for granted and not as invested? The boyfriend I think is almost secondary in all of this. The problem is a mismatch in what you want from your friendships, and what you're getting.

Well I had a breakup with someone who never became a proper partner because over [quite a long time] he was busy prioritising his friends, even on special occasions.

I think I sort of understand what you are saying. I have a close friend, known her for 20 years and every time a new fella is on the scene she disappears off the radar
She was single for a long time and I'd see her at least once a month for a catch up - she's been in a relationship for the past 12 months and I have seen her 3 times. Once was by chance in town, once at a concert we'd bought tickets for prior to her new relationship and once a proper arranged meet-up
I've been married for years so I understand the shift in priorities but there is room for everyone xx

Easily, my partner. Surely no one in a long-term, committed relationship would choose friends over partner.

Very young people I'd expect to say friends, over a casual new partner; no one else. Even then, people can meet their life partner young.

It's important to keep up with friends, but expecting to be prioritised over a partner sounds very immature.

You think I should prioritise a friend over a DH who has stood by my side for the last 30 years, the DF of my 3DC? I spend many weeks at a time in hospital. He keeps home life as normal as possible for our family, despite working full time and never missing a day of visiting (the hospital is an hour from home). MN tells you of the dickheads but not the ones who deserve loyalty, until you know differently.
There's something very wrong with either your friends or partner if it has to be a choice.

If I've decided to bring children into this world with someone you can be damn sure that trumps any other relationship with any other adult human.

I think there's a big difference between not serious partner and husband. Yes DH is more important than my friends. But as others have said room for everyone!
A partner of less than a year or not serious I'd expect friends to be the priority but some people do disappear when they're in a relationship

@HonestBrickSquid how long have you been with your partner? Are you married? Have kids?

This, except for parenting the children because we were childless but including the needs of elderly parents which was massively difficult .

I would certainly prioritise my friends over a new relationship and continue to do do until such time as the guy had earned the right to equal priority by proving himself as supportive, caring etc as my friends. I would never drop friendships for relationships and while realistically a relationship means there's less time for friends I'd make certain I made some. Good friends are there before during and often after a partner.

Do* you have a partner, OP?
*
This

If you're married then obviously your husband is the priority, but unusual to have to choose. They aren't filling the same position.

When you are not in a long term committed relationship then it's important not to retreat from your friends of course.

So- your friend got a partner and doesn't see you as much?
At some point we find a partner we are really into and usually end up doing them more at the start. Then friends get jealous, rows happen & that's that.

Usually the week end is when we make time for friends & partners.

I thinking something very similar to this.
I think your age and stage in life is going to impact your thoughts quite a lot.