To think that friends should always come before partners?

Love this! That is exactly right.

God know, DH every time, in a heartbeat.

So, OP, since friends come first apparently, let's say you meet someone amazing, and after dating for a year or so it's your birthday. You start excitedly planning something for your birthday and then your partner says "sorry bricksquid, I cant celebrate with you on your birthday, my mate Dave wants me to watch the football with him- its the premier league final and its really, really important to him and my mates come first".

You'd be totally fine with that would you?

Bollocks you would be.

I wouldn't expect a friend to finance my life when needed, nor would I finance theirs. I don't expect friends to bring me to a hospital appointment or cook for me if I'm unwell or vice versa. I won't have my friends parents over regularly and make small talk even when I'm not in the mood. My friends won't use their annual leave to spend time with me. I didn't make decisions about where to live, where to work whether to have kids or how to raise them with my friends.

Friends are friends, your romantic partner is family. Both should co exist without a problem. That said I didn't ditch my friends in the pub to go with my new BFs friends day 1. The process of becoming a partner or family is a very slow one where two lives very gradually merge, this process shouldn't be rushed and either party should take on the others friends as their friends too.

I would prioritise my dh (the father of my children) over most of my friends. I have a lot of friends (colleagues, mum friends, neighbours) and it wouldn't great if he came behind all of them!

You said 'partners' in the title, which indicates a strong committed relationship, maybe a husband, in which case he should come first. If you are just going out with some casually, having a fling, friends do come first.

You are ridiculous. My partner is the person I put above all others. He is my permanent companion through life and the person I have chosen for raising a family. We have legally and financially merged our lives to maximize our linkage and the efficiency of working towards our shared life goals.

Somehow, I am guessing that op thinks a partner is someone that a person has briefly dated. That isn’t a partner.

A lot of friends come and go with different life stages in my experience. Only a few, old friends go the distance. The ones who knew me before I even met DH. So I would say it depends.

I think there room for both and they serves. You build a life with your partner and you share experiences with your friends. Ultimately, most people focus more time energy on their partnership.

I think a lot of this comes down to the people in your life (friends and partners) accepting that you have other relationships. Sometimes your friends come first, and sometimes your partner does depending on the circumstances.

An easy way to lose friends is to pressure them into choosing you. Chances are they won’t!

You can’t force your friend into prioritising you, OP. Just take a step back and if the friendship is worth what you think it is they’ll make time for you soon.

But why would a friend come before a life partner?

My partner (extremely STBH) comes before everyone including my own parents unless he’s making a ridiculous or childish demand, thankfully that has never happened. He is my family. I expect the same from him in return.

I’m still young, mid twenties and this is the same for all of my friends. I would never expect to come before the partners of my friends. That’s bonkers and something I would have said at 15. However, majority of my friends are in very long term relationships, married or have kids so obviously their partners come first.

I love my friends but I don’t share 50/50 of my life tasks and admin with them. They don’t come home from work and pick up the slack when I’m unwell and lie in the bed next to me at night. They don’t balance life finances with me. I don’t consider them when making life decisions because those decisions don’t impact them like they would my partner. They offer me a shoulder to cry on, advice, incredibly fun times and share lots of memories with me but my partner offers that and more.

There is room for both in healthy relationships but I do think the issue can be sometimes 1) people getting into new relationships can sometimes forget about their friends and 2) friends can expect too much from their friends if they are used to them being single. Of course your friend is going to spend less time with you when they are adding someone else into the mix. They shouldn’t forget about you though. Luckily I have very good relationships with all of my friends as well as my partner.

If you're 20 and it's a boyfriend of a week, it's annoying when you get dropped for the partner! However my DH is of course prioritised over my friends - it's my husband. Why on earth would a friend take priority always over my husband? That makes no sense.

I completely get this. But life changes - I’ve lost friendships I treasured because of life events. I value my friendships more as a result, because I know they’re not immune to things changing. I work hard at the ones that matter to me because I know they’re not indestructible. The ones I’m not bothered about survive or don’t.

Depends on how long you've been with your partner and whether you have children together I think.

It's wrong to drop friends and you certainly shouldn't back out of already agreed events because of a new partner, but over time things tend to move on and if you have children they will always be your priority. Doesn't mean you drop your friends altogether but it is normal to see them less.

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Well, this is definitely a way to make sure the partner leaves.

I think you might be missing the point as well, that for most people their life partner is their best friend. So if they slide into the main seat for "friend I see every day and live with" then everyone else bumps down one notch.

Ditching your best friend's wedding for your boyfriend of 2 weeks is a bit rubbish.

But my husband and father of my child would always be my first priority over my friends. He is my life partner. He respects my friendships and would never stand in the way of them but if I ever had to choose between him and a friend, he'd win every single time.

Christ no, he is the father of my children - that is incredibly massively important in a way no friend can be. And I really love my friends.
I would never give a kidney to a friend, for example, but I would to my DC or their dad!

even if you've been married 20+ years, friends come first?

My BFs I have known for 40+ years; I have known DH for 20 years - but my friends come first? You're nuts!!

YABU. There’s not a blanket rule, surely it depends on the circumstances and whose need is greatest at that particular time. A good friend will understand you putting your partner’s needs first if it’s the right thing to do and a good partner will understand you putting your friend’s needs first if it’s the right thing to do.

My EX DP had this mindset...

You sound like a teenager..

There's room for everyone but yes friends come first. They were there first and they'll be there if the partner leaves.

What if the partner was there first?