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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that friends should always come before partners?

238 replies

HonestBrickSquid · 18/10/2024 15:20

I value my friendships immensely and feel that friends should always take priority over romantic relationships. Is this a reasonable stance, or is it unfair to expect others to put their friends first?

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FiletMignon · 18/10/2024 21:47

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/5190433-ive-just-walked-through-the-door-after-a-much-needed-week-away

A thread from somebody who is prioritising her friend over her DH and her children. Replies are unanimously telling her to place boundaries with her friend.

Family comes first. Always and without exception. And partners are the closest family, especially when in the thick of raising children. Anybody who disagrees has boundaries that are not in keeping with the norm. Fight me on this 🤷‍♀️

I've just walked through the door after a much needed week away ... | Mumsnet

It was a weeks holiday to get away from lots of stress. Lovely break just what I needed. But .. I walked through the door, exhausted, to a message fro...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5190433-ive-just-walked-through-the-door-after-a-much-needed-week-away

EarthSight · 18/10/2024 21:40

NeckolasCage · 18/10/2024 21:02

Nerve. Touched. 🤭

Indeed.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 18/10/2024 21:31

Definitely prioritise my partner, and he prioritises me.

when our DC were younger they were the priority. Empty nest now and DH grows in importance. We’ve both had health issues which have made us temporarily dependent/vulnerable and goodness I really understood the meaning of partnership.

my friends are important but it’s not even close.

usernother · 18/10/2024 21:22

One thing I have always hated was the friends (they are no longer friends) who would have no time for me whenever they got a boyfriend. Then, when they split up, they would get back in contact to use me for a social life until they met someone else. I have friends who I've known for many years and I make an effort to stay in touch and socialise with them, even though much of my social life is with my OH.

NeckolasCage · 18/10/2024 21:02

HonestBrickSquid · 18/10/2024 16:51

What the actual fuck? That sounds like some serious projection and the biggest reach I’ve ever seen.

Nerve. Touched. 🤭

BalletCat · 18/10/2024 20:57

HonestBrickSquid · 18/10/2024 15:28

Tell me you prioritise your partner over your friends, without telling me you prioritise your partner over your friends.

Don't see what the problem is. That's normal. Partners come first before all things, you are a unit, especially when there are children.

Glitterblue · 18/10/2024 19:42

I prioritise DH over friends but have plenty time for everyone.

CrowleyKitten · 18/10/2024 19:40

they're important in different ways. my best friend and my husband have both been around for more than half of my life. they are both extremely important to me. if either of them wanted the other gone, they would be the one that's gone.

friends before boyfriends of a few years or less, definitely. friends before life partner, no. they're both important for different reasons.

User79853257976 · 18/10/2024 19:32

So if at some point you are married with a newborn you still think your husband should prioritise his friends? 😂

JustAVeryWeirdWoman · 18/10/2024 19:15

I do think this sort of question is really about something else. There are many people who are single for long periods of time, or even for life, whether out of choice or out of bad luck. People in this situation may feel abandoned or even angry when their friends pair up and inevitably reduce the amount of time they can dedicate to friendships. Neither party is in the wrong, really, it's just a natural process that sucks for the single friend.

So what are the options for perpetually single people to receive love and care as well on a regular basis, or to feel that they are also someone's priority?Unfortunately, in our atomised society, there aren't many options. This is something worth thinking about. We can and should be, as a society, more open-minded to different types of communities, households etc. that are not exclusively based on romantic relationships or blood kinship.

Of course, that's not easy to think about or design either, and there's high potential for tensions or even starting a cult (ha), but there are some studies that show co-living, intentional communities, co-housing etc. can bring an increase in happiness levels. However, a person would still have to move on to a degree from friends who choose the Western individualistic family unit model, and try to find like-minded people. So... you can't freeze in time the friendships you had when you were 20, and the importance you had for your friends then, either way.

Marblesbackagain · 18/10/2024 18:50

HonestBrickSquid · 18/10/2024 15:28

Tell me you prioritise your partner over your friends, without telling me you prioritise your partner over your friends.

Em, yes because that's the norm. Your partner, person you may have made a legal commitment to be each others family.

You do sound very immature, have you ever had or have a partner?

Didimum · 18/10/2024 18:49

My partner (now husband) was and is the priority. I’m not buying property, building a life unit and going to raise children with a friend. Prioritising your partner and treating your friends like shit isn’t the same thing.

Tink3rbell30 · 18/10/2024 18:47

Partners aren't always life partners, friends are important to keep and shouldn't be shoved on the back shelf.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 18/10/2024 18:46

I wouldn't expect a friend to finance my life when needed, nor would I finance theirs. I don't expect friends to bring me to a hospital appointment or cook for me if I'm unwell or vice versa. I won't have my friends parents over regularly and make small talk even when I'm not in the mood. My friends won't use their annual leave to spend time with me. I didn't make decisions about where to live, where to work whether to have kids or how to raise them with my friends.

Long term it's this - you are building a life with a long term partner.

Though I grew up despite no religious background with stable marriages as did DH - so that will be influencing my outlook.

Also life planning happens over time and if OP being ditched for latest lasts a minute guy I can see why she'd be upset.

StellaZine · 18/10/2024 18:44

I had a friend years ago who was about ten yrs older than me. I had been seeing my bf for a few years then. Whenever she got drunk she used to say all this stuff about how men come and go and how we should always be there for each other etc. I knew even then that it was just immaturity on her part. That bf is now my dh. We’ve been together for 30 years, bought a house together, had dc. They come first, they’re my family. That’s how it goes for most people. If that’s not for you, you need a network of people that combined will give you the support that you need in your life but it’s not the same thing as a partner/ husband/ wife. If people do have that, that’s what they will be most invested in, especially with dc.

LouH5 · 18/10/2024 18:42

I think it entirely depends on the situation and context.
If you have a single gal pal and she meets a guy and suddenly ditches you constantly for her new man, it’s obviously going to feel rubbish for the “left behind” friend. Especially if it’s a passing flint and after a few weeks, he’s finished with her and now she’s crawling back and wants a shoulder to cry on.
But also it’s very normal in life, especially in your 20s or whatever, for single friends to start finding their life partners/future husbands etc. And of course over time they are naturally going to prioritise their partner. And by prioritise I don’t mean outright ditch their friends, but choose to go on holiday with their partner that summer instead of a girls holiday (if they can’t afford both, or get time off work for both)…. or they might not make a dinner you’re hosting because it clashes with mother in laws 60th birthday etc etc.
Overall though, as you grow older and romantic relationships develop and become more long term and serious, there should be room for both. If you miss a dinner with the girls because you and your partner already had theatre tickets, then make an effort to organise the girls catch up. If you can’t make a Saturday brunch date with your best friend because you and your partner already had a day trip planned, suggest going to the cinema with her next week. It’s all about balance. But ultimately I would always choose my boyfriend first, because he is my family, my life partner. My friends get that, and I get when they can’t make an event with me because of plans with their boyfriend/fiancé/husband.

sparklyfox · 18/10/2024 18:40

If that was the case, why would marriage consist of a solemn, public vow that you will share all that you have with this person, and put them before anyone else in an exclusive, legal, lifelong relationship?
If spouses were secondary to friends, there'd be no point in getting married.

HollyKnight · 18/10/2024 18:40

It's not about prioritising one over the other. If your life is pretty full, getting a new partner means having to reallocate time from somewhere else. Friends (adults!) should understand that. It's about balance. It's perfectly possible to have a relationship and maintain friendships. However, people who drop friends completely when they get a new partner (or have a child/take up a new hobby/make a new friend etc) are just bad friends.

HolyPeaches · 18/10/2024 18:36

No one should take “priority” over someone else. (Well, apart from your children).

It all depends on circumstances.

  • A friend has just found out her DH has left her for another woman. She’s called phoned you distraught and is in need of someone. As you hang up the phone about to pick up your car keys your partner announces he’s just about to make a romantic meal for your anniversary. Your friend takes priority in this situation.
  • You and a friend have just parked up at the coffee shop excited for a well overdue catch-up. Suddenly you receive a call from your partner, he’s been doing DIY in the house and cut through his hand. He needs to go to A&E urgently. Your partner takes priority in this situation.

Obviously a lot of situations aren’t as black and white. However, if you’re continually being ditched by a friend who’s spending all their time with a new partner then they’re probably not a good friend anyway.

Me and my group of friends, with kids, partners, husbands etc will always make time for each other and meet up regularly.

Bloom15 · 18/10/2024 18:35

I haven't given it much thought but DH would usually come before friends unless they were in an emergency situation.

I still make time to see friends but with a DS my time is a bit more limited

usernother · 18/10/2024 18:30

I knew from a young age, that men (and husbands) come and go, but your good friendships will last a lifetime if you make time for them.

Redruns · 18/10/2024 18:29

I don't understand everyone clamouring to say they've never had to choose. Of course you do, you get invited to the social event of the year, do you take DH or a friend? Your main holiday? Your graduation? Christmas? Etc etc.

To OP, woukd you be happy to be in a relationship with someone who prioritised friends over you?

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 18/10/2024 18:24

Samuel Taylor Coleridge has entered the chat

"Alas! they had been friends in youth;
But whispering tongues can poison truth;
And constancy lives in realms above;
And life is thorny; and youth is vain;
And to be wroth with one we love,
Doth work like madness in the brain.
And thus is chanced, as I divine,
With Roland and Sir Leoline.
Each spake words of high disdain
And insult to his heart's best brother:
They parted - ne'er to meet again!"

(From 'Christabel')

Butchyrestingface · 18/10/2024 18:24

EggnogAnd · 18/10/2024 17:32

@LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain, was Leslie Moore the gorgeous blonde with the unfortunate husband situation?

Yes, but she married well in the end after the inconvenient husband was revealed to be his long lost cousin.

And then she had two children, including a daughter called Persis (❤ that name when I was 11).

tuvamoodyson · 18/10/2024 18:23

doodleschnoodle · 18/10/2024 15:23

I've never had to choose.

…not since I was 15.