Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think blocking/ghosting someone who's done nothing 'wrong' is cowardly/childish?

34 replies

bringincrazyback · 18/10/2024 14:13

(Just to preface this: I’m not talking about stalking/harassing/otherwise distressing scenarios. Those are exactly what blocking and ghosting are for. I’m talking about situations where a dating/friendship setup simply isn’t working out for someone any more. Also, I have never been blocked myself, or at least not to my knowledge, so I don’t have a personal axe to grind here.)

I feel like we're seeing an increasing amount of ‘then block’ or ‘unfriend, block and move on’ type sentiments dispensed on MN as advice on how to end a relationship/stop dating someone/draw a line under a friendship where the other person hasn’t really done anything ‘wrong’ as such. Not sure if this is just an MN thing, but I think it’s often overkill, and can be quite childish and cowardly tbh. (And that’s before I even get started on the ‘tell them every last thing that annoys you about them, then block’ type posts which go way beyond cowardly imo.)

Have we really all lost the art of having an open/matter-of-fact conversation, telling someone we're just not feeling it but all the best for the future, and... simply leaving it there?

If the other person acts aggressively or in a harassing way, or starts stalking, or simply won't leave it, that's the time to block. Some people seem to view blocking as part and parcel of deciding to stop seeing someone, and it's just cowardly imo, like the online equivalent of sticking fingers in one's ears and going 'la, la, la, not listening'. And just as juvenile.

Has this really become the rule book on how to leave someone behind? And if so, is it just me who thinks this is a depressing/unhelpful trend?

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 18/10/2024 15:14

Completely agree. My former best friend of 40 years ghosted me and when I asked her about she said yes I have been because you’re not interested in things that are important to me (watching videos about Covid and vaccine conspiracies and thinking Putin is justified in invading Ukraine)

LoraPiano · 18/10/2024 15:10

In the context of dating, when you meet a bunch of random people from apps, why should you not block when it is not going anywhere? I have done OLD briefly and you never know why someone you have been on one date with two years ago presumes he can get in touch to "see how you are" and try to "catch up".

For longer friendships and relationships, I agree with you.

Original poster
bringincrazyback · 18/10/2024 15:09

ChristmasFluff · 18/10/2024 15:01

Why would I want to stay in touch and available to someone I have recognised I am not compatible with?

If I don't want to continue a relationship with someone, I let them know and then block. Using your example of the nose-blowing man, why would he want to stay in contact with me anyway?

If it's been a longer relationship, then blocking after a break up gives everyone time to heal, and although I would be courteous if I saw the person IRL, I have no desire to keep up with the lives of my exes.

I only block if I am completely done with a relationship, and I never unblock. I have blocked people without explanation, but only when they have behaved so badly that it is obvious why I have blocked and doesn't need saying.

OP, it seems like you maybe see blocking as some form of punishment. Whereas I see it as a recognition that a relationship is ended and there's no reason to maintain online or phone contact. It prevents any ambiguity and false hope - whether on my side or theirs.

I do think it is wrong to use blocking as a manipulation tactic - blocking then unblocking is gameplaying bollocks.

I think that in the case of a relationship or friendship that hasn't been toxic, the civilised/decent thing to do is give someone the opportunity to say something back. If that something proves to be problematic, blocking may then be necessary of course.

It's not really about punishment imo, and I think stopping someone seeing your online activity is a different issue. As mentioned, if someone thinks a person is going to snoop or stalk, they'd block them. But for a civilised parting of the ways, it's quite insulting/conceited imo to assume a former friend/flame is going to be all up in one's online business. Personally when friendships/relationships have ended, for me the last thing I've wanted is to see what they're doing online. I realise a lot depends on whether there's any acrimony in the mix, obviously.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 18/10/2024 15:01

Why would I want to stay in touch and available to someone I have recognised I am not compatible with?

If I don't want to continue a relationship with someone, I let them know and then block. Using your example of the nose-blowing man, why would he want to stay in contact with me anyway?

If it's been a longer relationship, then blocking after a break up gives everyone time to heal, and although I would be courteous if I saw the person IRL, I have no desire to keep up with the lives of my exes.

I only block if I am completely done with a relationship, and I never unblock. I have blocked people without explanation, but only when they have behaved so badly that it is obvious why I have blocked and doesn't need saying.

OP, it seems like you maybe see blocking as some form of punishment. Whereas I see it as a recognition that a relationship is ended and there's no reason to maintain online or phone contact. It prevents any ambiguity and false hope - whether on my side or theirs.

I do think it is wrong to use blocking as a manipulation tactic - blocking then unblocking is gameplaying bollocks.

Original poster
bringincrazyback · 18/10/2024 14:28

MiraculousLadybug · 18/10/2024 14:17

If this is a TAAT about the thread with the bloke with the dirty flat, YABU. The woman doesn't owe him anything.

She is being advised to block him so he can't wheedle and manipulate his way into having a relationship with her because she doesn't know who will try and worm their way back into her life and who won't after only a couple of dates.

The Relationships board is chock-full of women who didn't block a shit man who then convinced/manipulated them into staying with them/continuing a relationship that the woman didn't really want, and years down the line she doesn't know how to get out of it because every time she tries he manipulates her into staying again.

Blocking isn't "childish", not blocking is naive. It's a jungle out there and women owe it to themselves to keep themselves safe.

Edited

I did see that one in passing but not the details; it's not specifically about it. I've been noticing this for some time.

I'm not really talking about the kinds of scenarios you're describing, though. I would have thought my wording made it clear that where it's about safety or protection from being hounded, blocking is appropriate. Blocking after a couple of dates because (to make up a random example) someone blows their nose too loudly? Not so much. Same goes for blocking a lifelong friend because of a minor disagreement, which I've also seen advocated on here.

Sometimes it's not a question of what we 'owe' others, but a question of being a decent human being (which, before anyone starts baying, is not the same thing as #bekind).

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 18/10/2024 14:24

There almost as many posts complaining that posters are ghosted and they don't know why and people tell them that's it's a very coward way to do things so O guess it depends on which end you fall!

TTPDTS · 18/10/2024 14:21

I think the old fashioned "have a conversation and leave it" was a great way to do things pre social media / phones being so accessible, pre phones you couldn't then be followed on social media / kept up to date with / kept in contact with by people you didn't want to keep in contact with.

I think blocking is absolutely fine to do - if you don't want to be in a relationship with / friends with someone, why would you want them to continue having an insight into your life or being able to contact you when they wanted on your phone? It's a great way to be able to protect your peace in a relatively easy step, especially in the current times of being always "on" and contactable with phones.

MiraculousLadybug · 18/10/2024 14:17

If this is a TAAT about the thread with the bloke with the dirty flat, YABU. The woman doesn't owe him anything.

She is being advised to block him so he can't wheedle and manipulate his way into having a relationship with her because she doesn't know who will try and worm their way back into her life and who won't after only a couple of dates.

The Relationships board is chock-full of women who didn't block a shit man who then convinced/manipulated them into staying with them/continuing a relationship that the woman didn't really want, and years down the line she doesn't know how to get out of it because every time she tries he manipulates her into staying again.

Blocking isn't "childish", not blocking is naive. It's a jungle out there and women owe it to themselves to keep themselves safe.

redskydarknight · 18/10/2024 14:15

I agree. Especially as these days you can just send a message and don't even have to speak to the person.

Swipe left for the next trending thread