To think MN is horrible about blended families?

I believe that there are some happy blended families, but when reading the SP bit it always seems to me that the families are battlegrounds.

Fights/resentment blamed on ex, the DSC, higher than usual expectations placed on the DSC (it often strikes me that SM will complain at having to cook/clean/pick up for ‘someone else’s children’ yet don’t complain that DH never does anything full stop).

Complaints that the DSC are upset at being excluded from the ‘family’ holiday, cos they had a hol with mum (so they cannot have a hol with dad?)

Complaints that mum has dumped DSC on DH for one of his 24per month childfree days.

Resources carefully examined and eeked out…

I don’t know why anyone would choose to live with that level of resentment/sadness/pettiness?

I’m someone who made the decision not to blend families. I’ve been in a committed relationship but living apart for over 6 years. We have 2 children each, they were between 11-16 when we met, youngest is now 18. Their ages made blending more difficult, we never considered it, moving high school and sharing bedrooms would never have been in their best interests. But it also meant that dating was easier as they grew out of needing babysitters. We have good relationships with each other’s children but we’re not really involved, we’ve never had to parent them, we’re just around in lives, I suppose I consider them the same as my friends children. We occasionally go out for a meal or something with all 4 of them although it’s hard to pin them down!
Just offering up the suggestion that it’s possible to have a happy relationship without blending families.

You’re saying it’s an either/or situation op - either a blended family OR the parent’s stay single. It doesn’t have to be that way. If you can parent 50/50, so each parent has half of their time free, they can conduct those relationships in that time without disrupting their kids home lives

Yes it's a good sign - he knows he has somewhere else to go where he feels safe and heard and can step away from the unhappiness of his other home

I think this is a big part of the problem oP - combined with the fact that the threads are often started by step mums wanting sympathy for how tough it all is on them and how “put upon” they are with these “awful/ difficult/ ungrateful” stepchildren and almost invariably an impossible ex who “ hasn’t got over the fact her DH prefers me” ( essentially). Although thd threads always start with something like “ I adore my stepchildren” it quickly becomes evident that not adoring them is rather more the problem. Can’t blame them up to a point: I couldn’t do it. But that’s why I wouldn’t do it.

I suppose people are quick to see that as a situation that the stepmum had far more autonomy to dodge, and so since it’s often a stepmum starting the thread, the comments are often not hugely sympathetic.

They're still teenagers. Most of my ill-feelings developed when I was old enough to understand. Another trigger was having children of my own

We have a genuinely happy blended family. Exh and I agreed from the get go to put the kids first in all situations and dh has a similar agreement with his ex. I get on well with my step kids and our kids get on well together and we have a lot of laughter. The teenagers are not backwards in coming forwards, if they weren't happy there is no way they would lie to spare our feelings, I don't think many teenagers would. I think it feel disproportionate on here because those who are struggling will ask for help, we're happy to I don't tend to post too much on the blended family posts.

It's a good sign?!

He's so unhappy in his other house that he feels the need to leave? And that's a good sign to you?

I would have to ask our kids, but AFAIK there are different bits that they appreciate about one household Vs another one.

My DSS just asked if he could live with us one extra day, so that's definitely a good sign

Most blended families are formed for the benefit of one or two adults. They very rarely have children's wellbeing and happiness as their main basis.

I don't think all blended families are bad, but as someone who spent her teen years as a stepdaughter I would never inflict that on my own child. You don't have to be lonely as a single parent, by all means date; but I personally couldn't put my child through what I went through as a teenager. No one would be moving in with me until my child was an adult. I think the risk of a blended family going wrong is far too high for my liking and I'd want to prioritize my child's mental health over anything else.

It's possibly because the happy step parents/kids aren't posting on MN about it. MN gives a skewed view of step families as people are generally only posting when something is going wrong.

You're exactly right OP. I don't know why there is such a negative overall view on blended families. I'm guessing because many of these commenters have heard something or experienced something and then have to generalise it to every situation regarding blended families. It's usually the case with MN. I real lack of critical thinking on here.

I'm never usually one to blow my own trumpet, but I have had a positive impact on my family by being in their lives. DH and his ex had a volatile relationship and he suffered physical and mental abuse at her hands. He left when she assaulted him on front of their DD.

My DSD was only 2 at the time so thankfully can't remember it but my DSS17 remembers things. He remembers the arguments, he remembers finding his dad crying on the couch after his mum had trashed the place. Both kids have been 50:50 since the split but DSS has lived with us full time for the last year.

Our house is calm and peaceful. I'd like to think we are doing a good job of demonstrating what a healthy relationship looks like. DH and I rarely argue, once of twice a year maybe, and if we ever need to discuss something that has the potential to get heated we go a drive in the car. We are best friends. We are kind to each other and we look after each other. Hopefully the kids see that this is what a relationship should look like and violence and constant arguments are not normal.

My DH is and always has been an amazing dad but I think by having my support he is able to be an even better one. He used to doubt himself a lot, especially during DSS early teenage years, and I've help reassure him that he's doing great and is making the right choices with parenting. We discuss parenting issues together and he bounces ideas off of me etc. When it comes to raising the kids we are a team.

I have a great relationship with my stepkids, especially my DSD who can't really remember me not being there. I think having another female role model in her life is good for her and I know she really looks up to me. I do a lot of the girly stuff that maybe dad wouldn't do like going to nail bars, having pamper parties and she copies me a lot. Her mum has mellowed over the years so hopefully can be a better role model for her now but I always think the more support, love and positive role models a child can have the better.

The kids seem to be thriving but like others have said, it will be interesting to hear their thoughts when they are adults. For now all we can do is continue to do our best and hope that they are happy.

I don't know if we are technically a blended family because I don't have any bio kids so that probably makes things a bit easier.

It's not either or though is it?

There is also an option to not blend families at all.

But as a proportion of marriages divorce has fallen. If we marry as a generation we are less likely to divorce than our parents.

…don't have them in the house, don't sacrifice time with their children for the new partner and definitely don't move them in

I don’t think anyone who has had a step parent and didn’t like it is saying “don’t have them in the house”, or don’t date.

There’s a world of difference between having your mother go out to visit her partner, or having him hang out every now and then and having him there, all the time, in your home.

My mother would have said we had a brilliant “blended family”, her children feel differently. If DH and I separated, there is no way in hell I’d ever move another man into their home.

No one said that that the parents should stay single forever. That would be a crazy expectation. What often happens is one parent doesn’t put the children first and steams ahead with a new family dynamic when the children are not emotionally ready. In addition the committed care giving parent is also not ready (mainly due to how their child/children will cope with such upheaval in their life) over 90% of resident parents are mothers so statistically know their children best and what they can cope with, personality types, vulnerabilities, maturity, every last nuance of their personality because the majority of mothers make this knowledge their job to provide the best possible care towards their children. Of course there are a small number of fathers who have this responsibility too who have resident care. These people are best placed to navigate any sort of blended family situation. At the moment, the court systems, society, CMS, political approaches do not put the child at the centre. If they did, the main care giver would be listened to and believed and not victimised just for voicing the best interests of their child. At present, fathers/non resident parents have all the rights of mothers/resident parents with none of the logistical responsibilities or any of the legal or financial responsibilities (just look at the CMS system) until lack of legal responsibility and lack of financial equates to a lack of rights for those who don’t actually care for their children day to day/put their best interests at the centre, then nothing will change. If two parents are working equally to put their child/children first in all senses then a blended family could absolutely work. Sadly, the work is never done beforehand and more often than not it’s the child that suffers.

She was with us more up to the age of about 12. Her parents chose her school before they split up and it was the closest one to her Mum's house, and she then went on to the school that her primary was the feeder school for, and her Mum worked for. We lived about a 15 minute bus journey away (couldn't afford a car with the rents) and she (understandably) no longer wanted to get up early to get on the bus, when her Mum would drive her in since she was going there to work.

Up to that point, it was more or less 50/50, then it tailed off and eventually was EOW and half the holidays.

She does have a stepdad and a brother on her Mum's side and she seems happy there as she is here.

Even though I have reservations about blended families, I'm very uncomfortable with this thread.

I think there's some genuine concerns about blended families and people obviously have their own experiences but there's also a lot of single parent bashing.

It is disingenuous to suggest that single parents are usually going to be able to maintain a meaningful romantic relationship if there is no possibility of them cohabiting for the rest of their children's childhood. This might be possible if they have an involved co-parent or money for a regular babysitter but many single parents don't have either of those. So really people are saying that single parents should accept being alone, possibly with a bit of casual dating, sometimes for up to 20 years. In a society where most people's primary relationship is with their spouse or cohabiting partner that is a huge ask.

My ex grew up with a single mum. They were extremely poor, lived in a damp overcrowded house where his mum slept on the sofa and she worked all the time. His only memory of her from that time is her being stressed about bills or stressed about things in the house breaking. His life improved hugely when his step-father came in the scene because his mum had more time, was happier and they were more financially comfortable. Whilst not all single mothers struggle in that way, it is not at all unusual.

Mumsnet is, in general, so quick to encourage women to leave a bad relationship but the narrative then turns such that these women are "selfish" and "thinking with their genitals" if they ever want another relationship again, unless it is on the basis where they don't introduce their partner to their children, don't have them in the house, don't sacrifice time with their children for the new partner and definitely don't move them in.

Most single parents aren't selfish. They often end up completely deprioritising their own basic needs for their children and working hard to support them.

If you’d read the thread, most people are sharing their experiences of being a step-child.

Your golden uterus comment says it all really.

You made a comment about the positive attributes of 2 parent homes. A child who stays EOW isn’t really that at ‘home’ when averaging 4 days per month. Maybe your Step-d has a step-father in the home, so she does get a 2 parent home.

My dad had his children (me and my siblings) about the same as your husband has his child I.e. the minimum amounts to appear like an involved father. As we got older, he and his wife would trot out how teenagers do make their choices who they want to live with and spend time with. Funny how teens do mainly want to stay with the stable, main parent (usually the mum, let’s be honest).

edit: grammar

My mother moved my step dad in very quickly after she separated from my dad, I suspect there was an overlap.

I was 10 and I I hated it. She would have said it was fantastic, that he gave us the best life, that we were happy but she focused on him and this relationship a lot.

She was supportive for the big things, but missed a lot of day-to-day detail and I disengaged from her a bit. We get on well now, but I would never go to her with a problem, and haven’t done so as an adult. My younger sister and I are very close, but she is the same with my mother. One of my brothers was devastated when my dad left and struggled with his mental health as a teen (and beyond).

It’s interesting because now that my oldest daughters are at the end of school she is reflecting on how she was with me, and there’s regret. “I remember you coming home with that swimming cup, and of course I’d organised days off work so I could watch you but you told me the wrong day” (I didn’t, she just wasn’t interested) and “I can’t believe we didn’t ever visit you at your uni accommodation but of course it was so expensive to fly back then” etc.

I get on well with my stepdad and I’m pleased they are still together but I wish she hadn’t moved in him when she did. Going through puberty with an unrelated male in the house was awful - it’s hard to articulate why, he was in no way creepy or abusive but I hated it.

It’s funny, the only “ blended family” I know of is my great grandmother’s and the trauma of it echoed down the generations. Her mother died in childbirth and her father married the mistress shortly afterwards, and a baby arrived within less than 9 months. In total great great grandfather had 6 daughters and the first 3 from first wife disliked their stepmother ( unsurprisingly) and considered themselves a cut above the second set of sisters, the stepmother ensured her daughters had better food, more heating in their rooms etc.

Her Mum got together with her Dad's friend and threw him out, I'm not sure what her Dad could really have done about that. They'd been unhappy for a very long time, so I can kind of see why she did it.

Her Dad has now been with me for the majority of her life and much longer than he was ever with her Mum. She's still with the ex-friend of DH and I doubt she even has clear memories of before DH moved out.

You kinda just don't get it.

She will understand that stuff yes

But emotionally, there is a hurt there, towards both parents, that they feel it's more tolerable for her to have to learn to live with their separation, their new spouses, their new DC, than for her parents to have tolerated each other in order to put her first