To think MN is horrible about blended families?

This post almost brought tears to my eyes.

I’m so sorry about the experience you had growing up, but there are few things more touching than when someone takes their own bad experience and, learning from it, is able to transfer it into something positive and wonderful for another person. I’m sure from the way you write your childhood has helped you become a really special person for your DSS. When it does work, it’s an inspiring thing. I just think a lot of people are not honest about the impacts and motivations.

As my children were growing up many of their friends would voice their true feelings about step parents /step siblings / half siblings. It differed significantly from their parents narrative, the complete opposite in most circumstances. One child so revealed abuse from his step father.
Having had first-hand experience of this myself, it was only after I shared this fact with kids it unleashed an absolute torrent of upset and emotion.
Equally the friends I've made over the years only those who have remained single after a break up who have the most well adjusted young adults, than those who have moved an unrelated adult and/or their additional children into a blended family arrangement. That's not to say it doesn't ever work, though as in OP's case it's the exception not the rule.

I am super conflicted on this. I had a terrible experience with my dad and ‘step mum’ when I was a child - she was just not maternal at all, resented the attention my Dad gave us and her and my Dad made it VERY clear that they preferred my brother and I was just the little tag along.

On the other hand we are now a blended family with it being me, my DP and DSS. We’re really happy, have a really amicable relationship with DP’s ex and all we all want is for my DSS to be happy and feel loved which he does. We have a really good routine which DSS thrives in and he gets time at his Mum’s with his little brothers then is at ours 4/5 nights a week where he can decompress a bit.

I think anyone in a blended family needs to accept sometimes it doesn’t work and that’s ok - but you can’t say it doesn’t work in every single situation as it does in some.

It’s probably also worth adding it probably works so well for us as we don’t have children (me and DP) - DP’s ex has other younger children. It’s very unlikely I will have any children of my own so because DSS is our only one it works a lot better than if we were to add another child in.

It means he's comfortable enough to be with us to stay extra nights (but cause it's convenient for him too!). I'm his stepmother so "normally" they'd like to stay as little as possible here. Or that's the stereotype anyway.

I think that’s a very helpful addition to the conversation.

I know that when I see stepparent threads, I often am struck by what that situation must look like from the child’s point of view. And I don’t think that’s wrong as an instinct.

Just want to clarify for anyone who thinks the people here with negative experiences are being hateful towards blended families or coming from a mean place, we really aren't.

I think what we're doing is what we wish someone did for us when we were powerless children, stuck in a situation we didn’t choose with no way out - advocating for the children.

We're not attacking step parents, we're defending the children.

Aah but haven’t you heard?!! Children are “adaptable.”

It might just be that they are powerless to change anything but adaptable is a better term: much easier on the conscience of adults inflicting the upheaval.

Hand on heart if I could give advice to my younger self it would be don’t fall for a man who already has a child. DH and his ex were only teens when they found out they were having child and it ended up being a resentful and toxic relationship that ended when their child was 2 so their child doesn’t remember them ever living together.
There were many areas of stress, tension and now I believe resentment as SC as an adult having seen our bio kids being brought up by their Dad and not having had the experiences that they have had due to many different factors. For example SC parents were teenagers when they were born, they were on a very low income the split was very acrimonious and ex moved on quickly and met someone new who moved in had another child together, they then moved several hours drive away and refused to do any of the travelling for access.
DH and I got together several years after they separated and by the time we had our own kids SC was late teens and is now an adult.
I do feel SC resents the fact that he never lived with his Dad and he’s seen his Dad bring up our 2 children and whilst close their relationship is definitely different. I’m also sure that SC probably didn’t want all the step parents that he had - me included and particularly the ones that he had to live with.

So yes my experience is that it wasn’t the easiest situation for anyone involved including all of the kids. Hindsight is a great thing.

i do however have a good friend that seems to have navigated a blended family well - she has 3 DC and her bf has 1 and they all spend holidays and weekends together and it seems to work but who knows how anyone really feels

Yes always sharing your parent. Because someone else’s child is always tagging along. Normally because we are meant to be one big happily family.

A child who often gets to live full time or only disappears eow themselves so gets your parent much more than you only visiting eow. Of course you both have to be there the same eow because family time. Rather than getting that one on one. Because the adults want alone time eow with no children. Till the new baby arrives.

I think she was referring to the posters who had made comments, whom she took to be stepparents. That’s how I read it.

@ineedsun

They say things like ‘step dad understands what mums like and calms her down a bit’ or step parent is the only one who actually shows an interest.

The above amplifies how useless the parent is, having someone not obliged to care for you do so while the present obligated person doesn’t must be a real mind fuck.

We know together families aren’t necessarily happy or beneficial for children, but here we are specifically talking about blended families.

As you say, that very much depends on the blended family. For a lot of the young people I see, the step parent / siblings are actually a protective issue. They say things like ‘step dad understands what mums like and calms her down a bit’ or step parent is the only one who actually shows an interest. It’s actually really common in the people I talk to for that sort of sentiment to be expressed.

For some families there is a dynamic as you describe above but it’s certainly not such a blanket negative experience as some would convey on here in my experience.

Your final sentence captures it but I’d extend that sentiment to all families, not just blended ones.

Exactly. My DSS sees him mum once a month out of the house but won't stay at his mum's because he dislikes her partner. He's been very open and honest with her about his feelings on it and the reasons he doesn't want to live with her. Similarly we had spells where he didn't want to live with us and he told my DH he was just happier at his mum's. This was before she had a partner. Him not liking our house was nothing to do with a step-parent living there is was because DH imposed more rules and boundaries. He didn't get away with as much as ours as he did at his mum's. I know not all kids will feel about to be honest with their parents though but generally teenagers have a nack for being brutally honest.

Fair enough, that’s not how it reads to me but I understand what you mean now

I think the above is true but I imagine the sense of loss, abandonment, not being good enough or wanted is amplified in a blended family.

The DSC may hear or sense they don’t ‘fit’ anywhere, having to mould yourself to different standards every few days/weeks cannot be easy.

They may have an adult making it clear their presence isn’t wanted, maybe time spent with their parent always has to be shared with someone else’s child . Or that parent often leaves them with a resentful adult.

Maybe they have to witness the ‘together’ family and get a sense of loss that they shift in/out.

I think blended families work where theres a decent amount of compassion for how it affects the DSC.

my sister had an affair, moved out and moved in with the new partner within a few weeks. She'd been having the affair for over a year but their kids had only just realised about it. So overnight mum and dad were separated and they were living with a new man at weekends when they hired hotels/cottages, until they got a place together. Her eldest has been in therapy ever since and my sister just thinks they should be grateful because stepdad is loaded.

I agree. Similar situation. People rush too quickly into bringing the houses together.

I've been a lone parent 15 years. But been with my partner for 7 years, we still live apart.

We have taken holidays etc together of course and the DC have built a good relationship over that time.

It's only now, his DS is at Uni and mine is going into 6th form next year we are discussing buying a house together.

DC come first.

Yes thank you. Saved me a reply!

Another direct quote for you "Lots of assumptions but no indication then parents are actively checking in with how their children really feel."

So she's saying parents aren't asking, so how the children feel isn't being fed back to the step parents

Direct quote that my post was about. Reading the thread now, it’s disturbing to see this is apparently common from step parents. With comments like “Step son / step daughter seems happy”. “He’s asked to move in so seems like a good sign”

She said parents asking.

Interesting that you’re saying it’s common from step parents. I wonder why you’re focussing on step parents rather than biological parents.

Not that I think step parents get a free pass at all, but I’m wondering why you have focussed on them asking you and not your mum or dad.

There’s an elephant in the room here that I mentioned earlier and has not been acknowledged.

For many of the young people I see who are struggling with mental health, aside from abuse which is obviously a different issue, for many it’s not the blended family that’s an issue, it’s that parents relationships ended in the first place. That’s what’s been most impactful, the sense of loss, abandonment, not being wanted or good enough. Of course as adults we see this very differently but the feelings of fear, anxiety and uncertainty stay with some people into adulthood.

I bounced between my mum and dad’s house as a teenager because I was unhappy. Firstly to my dad’s house because I was so unhappy following my step dad moving in. I didn’t find the attention I was seeking at my dad’s as he was preoccupied with evening classes and dating and shortly afterwards moved his girlfriend and her children in. This woman was not only completely disinterested in me and my sisters needs but appeared to feel threatened by me and my older sister, in terms of competing for me dad’s attention, and the focus was on her children’s interests. so I returned to my mums house, where she had a new baby who I was expected to help care for. My parents separation and moving in / creation of new family units all happened within 2 years.

Working through it in therapy now my therapist is kindly saying she is astounded that at no point during all of this were my parents ever asking me how I felt / Asking me basic questions like “why do you want to move back to your mum/dad?”, checking how I felt, and certainly not making any attempt to adjust their decisions to provide a stable home environment for me. There was no curiosity about the impact of their choices on me.

Reading the thread now, it’s disturbing to see this is apparently common from step parents. With comments like “Step son / step daughter seems happy”. “He’s asked to move in so seems like a good sign”. Lots of assumptions but no indication then parents are actively checking in with how their children really feel.

And to add, my ex has never been involved and his children have gradually moved away from having contact with their mum and live with him full time, there’s never been 50/50 for either. Not sure if that makes it easier or harder.