To think MN is horrible about blended families?

I also think in 'bitter ex wife' the bitter bit is misunderstood.

The implication is they're bitter because they're jealous that their ex has moved on and he is so marvellous that they desperately want him back.
I can't imagine this would ever be true.

However, they do tend to be sad on their children's behalf that their father doesn't prioritise them.

The thing about the 'bitter ex wives' is that I have never ever ever met one.
I'm not saying they don't exist, but they're only talked about on here in third person by their own exes or their new girlfriends. I don't believe for one second that every op which opens with 'the ex is a psycho' or 'the ex is bitter and jealous' is true. Maybe a tiny tiny percentage of them are.

Every ex wife I know, including myself, is skipping down the street with happiness that they're rid.

What about the step children. Are we bitter ex wanted children no longer wanted.

@Chickenspeckandcluckaroud , or in my case , my ex had an affair when dd1 was a baby , then he proceeded to have another child he lavished time and money on ! He stopped seeing dd1 altogether when she was 5 , she’s now 25 !

The only time I have ever seen this claimed on MN is by new partners of men that see their DC once a fortnight/month/year. Usually women that think complete losers and a 'prize' and fall for the 'bitter ex wives' bullshit.

Sadly there are an awful lot of very bitter ex-partners who are very bitter.
If their marriage/relationship has broken down, they can't accept that their ex moved on. To meet someone new, and have to share their children makes them even more bitter.

Some responses, you can see quite clearly why their partner left, and found someone nicer. Then the children get used in some warped game, to ensure that the exs' life remains unhappy and controlled by them.

I know an awful lot of blended families that work beautifully. I know some that don't... One thing's for sure, being caught between two hostile parents is even worse for any child.

I think you've missed the point. Obviously the 'biological family' didn't work out or another relationship wouldn't be on the cards. The question is, how much more do you want to foist on kids who've already lived through their parents breaking up?

It’s quite interesting to me that there is also a ‘do you trust men’ question on the board at the same time as for me these issues are intertwined. I’m a single parent who has quite deliberately NOT pursued a serious relationship post-divorce because I’m trying to maintain stability for the DC.

My ex husband had affairs and left me with a baby and a 4yo for a younger woman he met at work. she was quickly moved in with him and spent time with our very young DC, then it was all over in a couple of years. It was only months before he met someone else, to whom he is now engaged. Tbf she seems lovely and a much better choice and I’m glad they’re happy. She has a child too so they will be a blended family.

I’m not saying my ex doenst have a right to pursue happiness BUT he certainly has caused trauma and huge disruption for our children and I have felt that the best choice for me is to counter-balance that with stability and no pressure for my kids to have to adapt to a new partner for me too. So im still on my own. I hope I eventually meet someone but - surprise surprise - I have the kids the majority of the time and lack time and and energy for dating. If anything I find myself surprised how many blended families there actually are. It’s so hard to date when you’re a resident parent!

But it's not one or the other, is it? I've been single for the last 15 years - no choice but to put my children first because my ex sure as hell wasn't going to bother. I have no regrets. They had a safe space in my home and knew they could tell me everything. They never had to deal with a jealous partner on my time, or have someone tell them off for existing or attempt to make them feel less than important. They don't see much of their father now - who is on his 4th live-in partner in that time and this time says he's getting married. No one is holding their breath (they've been here multiple times before) and I suspect at least one of them won't be attending the wedding if it does go ahead 'cos she, and the way she treats our children, is not his idea of 'family'.

It is possible to live a perfectly happy life with your children without blending families. And it is also possible to have non live-in relationships which don't impact on children's sense of security in the same way. It's difficult financially and I have been judged beyond all reason for it but it's the best I could do for my children and I am glad I did it.

@kungfullama often the parents are just deluding themselves that everything is ticketyboo and that the kids are all happy.

I appreciate some blended families really won't work. However some biological families don't work do they! I know people who are really messed up because instead of divorcing their parents stayed together and argued.

I think I know how our children feel better than a stranger on the Internet...and I do also have a well adjusted adult child.

I think you're projecting here, I'm sorry that whatever caused your pain happened but I maintain not all blended families are toxic and I can confidently say our kids are happy.

The oddest thing is when people get into a relationship with a parent and act as though they've only just discovered parenting exists. "Our weekend revolves around the stepkids! My partner has to buy them new clothes because they've outgrown their old ones! They need swimming lessons! They expect to come on holiday with us! They need a birthday present to take to a friend's party!"

Uh... yes, this is called parenting. Your partner's children didn't magically become his nieces and nephews when he split up with their mother.

I would rather remain single until I die than subject my children to a stepfather and stepchildren.

but apparently, still the evil stepmother

On this thread are lots of people reflecting on their past and sharing their experiences of being step children in blended families and all the ways it was difficult for them, how they didn’t feel listened to or accommodated for.

Rather than thinking “gosh how sad, I hope my step daughter doesn’t have these feelings and I’m unaware of them. Something to be mindful of and talk about within my family.” Your response is to feel attacked as an evil stepmother and go on the defensive. Why is that?

If you are having a completely different experience then why not share that? It could help others to hear how you and your partner navigated this in a way that your step daughter feels centred and listened to and is happy as a result.

My father remarried when I was married with children of my own

I didn't particularly like her (so different to my late mum!) but she was devoted to my dad and good to my kids so we all jogged along

However, I hated her children and their partners and thoroughly disliked her grandchildren

So family get-togethers were tense and I have no fond memories of them

Your mileage may vary

ie your experience may be different

What's YMMV?

Yes - the first 5 years, you were a step family. Now you’re a blended family.

It’s like “all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares.” One is a subset of the other.

But again, YMMV. That’s how the terms are used in my work environment and among people I know.

Right, so the first 5 years we were not blended, but when we had DD we became blended?

I have mentioned further up that SD was desperate for siblings and begged us to have a baby, but I got called delusional. 😂

And now you have a child, so your family is blended.

The usage I’m most familiar with is :
Step families have a parent unrelated to the child(ren)
Blended families have children who do not share both parents (step or half siblings). So not bc all step families are blended families.

But obviously your mileage may vary.

Yes well I would say that’s a blended family.

It’s a family where one parent has departed from the child’s initial family and the child has to accept new people as “family” or their constant presence in a family setting. That’s where I think the blending happens.

Of course the more people, the more blended. Like a smoothie. There can be more ingredients or less; but provided they don’t all hail from the initial parental relationship, I think that’s blended. But I’m no expert so happy to stand corrected. Regardless, I would find accepting my father’s partner as “ family” difficult, especially where there was an element of authority over me as a result, and especially if the dynamic was not particularly pleasant.

Well, my family has been described as a blended family and I was childless for the first 5 years of my relationship with DH, but apparently, still the evil stepmother, even though SD was the centre of everything for that whole time.

I don't know if we are technically a blended family because I don't have any bio kids so that probably makes things a bit easier.

Well QUITE, @Illpickthatup (and @Woahtherehoney )
Neither of your situations are blended families, they are Having A Step Parent.

Or, most importantly, a stepmum; vastly less likely to be a source of abuse than a stepfather as the data demonstrate again and again.

You haven’t got parents prioritising their bio children over their partner’s bio children, or conflicting parenting styles, or having a parttime home in two houses while your parent’s ‘new’ family gets them full time.

Or always having to share bedrooms with kids you aren’t related to, because you aren’t one of two children anymore, you’re one of 4 or 5 all of a sudden.

The thread is about blended families. Families where children with different parents are forced to live together, complete with stepparents but not only having a stepparent.

I can imagine this is the scenario where it most often works - where the parent who has the child most marries or life -partners with someone who has no biological children and genuinely wants to view the stepchild/ren as their own. "DSS is our only" - our - that's why this has a higher chance of working.