To think MN is horrible about blended families?

I think it’s just a tough one, sometimes it will work perfectly, sometimes it won’t, and a lot of the time children don’t speak out about how they really felt until adulthood.

It is always going to come with risks and issues when you bring 2 families together, a child having 4 parents instead of 2, a child living with other children in different houses is always going to increase the chance of conflict or disagreement or unhappiness. Getting along (or not) with 1 siblings vs getting along with 1 sibling + 2 step-siblings at mum’s house and 1 sibling + 2 step-siblings at dad’s house. It just is naturally a bigger and more complex set up, and naturally the more people involved the more chance there is that some don’t get along, don’t work in the same house etc.

That’s not to say they are always unhappy but it would be naive to say the risk of someone not getting along isn’t higher with more people involved, that’s just natural.

Perhaps you want a sidebar discussion of adoption-related blended families? Otherwise I'd say it's blindingly clear that the blended families under discussion aren't including those specific circumstances.

OP- it's a forum. If a women's husband leaves her, but she gets over it and moves on, she isn't likely to post about it is she? So you get all the posters who've recently had this happen and haven't had time to heal, or are still bitter years later.

Same with blended families. DH grew up in a blended family, and whilst his parents divorce was hard on him, he's always liked his SF and SM and is very close to his half-sister. He has lots of happy childhood memories. But the people who are likely to post are the ones where there is a problem, or who are angry about their childhood experience.

TL:DR- the view you get here is very skewed

I am really horrified by the number of people posting that they believe adults who have children are “selfish” or obviously wrong for having a second relationship—even for wanting a second romantic relationship. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is modeling a happy, generous, loving, couple relationship. How are they to know how to be coupled or how to parent if they have never seen what that looks like?

Yanbu

I've just never seen a blended family that looks like it's working well, not one, they all look fractious in their own way and a complication I wouldn't deal with, for the sake of my kids. The whole concept of having a second family just doesn't sit very well with me, I don't understand the sense of entitlement that each new relationship requires a child, I don't think it's in the pre existing children's best interests. Controversial I know, may well be some that buck the trend, but it's how I feel. I was always hugely grateful my parents didn't have children in their second marriages and that I wasn't forced to blend with step siblings.

All families created via adoption are blended families, no one needs to specifically mention adoption because all families created via adoption are blended families, so automatically included.

Exactly, the "blended" family people who have a perfectly ordinary happy time are not reaching out for help on MN, so it gives a skewed picture. I brought up my now adult stepdaughters from when they were 12. I had my own child when my stepdaughters were 16 and 14. We were and are a very happy, loving and successful family.

I don’t think of blended families as ‘lesser’.

Actually, the posts from step parents on here have been the most eye opening thing I’ve seen about blended families. Women who have started relationships knowing that the man has children and then resent those children’s presence in his life. Not being comfortable with step children being in the house. Regarding their family unit as themselves, their partner and shared DC and seeing SC as separate. Refusing to put themselves out for SC because they’re not their responsibility. It’s really surprising to me that people can live with a child for years and still feel no emotional connection to them.

That's really not what 'blended family' is referring to in this context. No one even mentioned adoption...

Do you think anyone here is referring to families created by adoption or are you just wilfully co-opting offence?

You're surprised people don't like their exes and kids that aren't theirs? Really?

All families created via adoption are blended families, on the whole we’re doing pretty well thanks.

I was going to say similar - and with next relationship lasting.

I have seen one where there was an existing child - mother had died and dad of other family had fucked off - that one worked for kids as new dad brought stability.

I can also think of few cases where there are new children but step father didn't favour own kids and many that were fine but new shared kids brought up problems.

In most cases adults don't really want to hear it's not great.

Ultimately, people posting on here about the trouble they're having with blended families are doing that precisely because they're having trouble. So the stories you see on here are wildly skewed to the negative.

People don't come on MN to write a post about how lovely their lives are as a blended family and how happy they are/were in it. Maybe more people should, might help to desensationalise people's perspective.

@Othersidetoyou that's exactly how I feel. I got a bonus sister from it too and don't think of her as a step sister, to us she's just a sister and treated exactly the same as my other sister.

Both me and my DH will tell you that our experience of families are not happy ones.

My step mother was cruel and my Father did nothing about it. My lovely Mum had died too so it wasn’t as if I could even escape to another home.

My DH’s didn’t experience cruelty at the hands of his step parents, but he said living with his step father was uncomfortable most of the time.

I wouldn't actually consider that a blended family. Blended family to me always means kids on both sides.

That’s not really blended though. There might be some you’re-not-my-real-dad moments, but there are none of the competing priorities that tend to cause problems in trying to stick two bits of different families together.

I do wonder how many posters are children of blended families vs parents who hate the idea of someone else being close to their child/ex.

I can only speak to my own experience but my stepmum is my primary mother figure and my life is much better for having her and my younger siblings in it. We had our difficulties when I was in my teens but no different to what children go through with their bio parents - that's part of growing up and being a family.

Mine too. I love both my blended families that came from my parents' divorce - genuinely see my Sdad and Smum as additional parents. Looking back, it was a horrible situation to live in when my actual parents were together.

People will just as likely be shit people whether they're the original parents or not. You want to blame blended families but you're looking at the wrong reason.

I know 2 successful blended families where the man was widowed, and in one family dad isn’t involved anymore as well. I think that makes it easier.

Ive definitely seen a few where the mums need to have a relationship has overiden the needs of the children. They then try to gaslight their children that this is a good choice for them.

I don't think it's a mumsnet thing, more that many people feel the same.
While it may be more enjoyable for the parents, it's not usually better for their children. Parents splitting up is one thing - they don't have to remarry.

And fwiw, my parents split when I was in primary school and I lived with my mum and her new partner for a while and absolutely hated sharing a house with a strange man. No doubt he was nice enough but I found it creepy and unsettling, and was much happier when my mum and dad worked it out and got back together (for the rest of their lives as it turned out).