To think MN is horrible about blended families?

I think there is plenty of justification for the skepticism myself. Blending is about what parents want. Children have no say.

Grew up in a ‘blended family’ although that name wasn’t yet invented to make it sound better. Would not ever inflict it on my children. Utterly self centred, gas lighting shit show. I would have preached to everyone well into my twenties how wonderful it all was as it was drilled into me.

I think the bottom line is you need to put a lot more thought into who you are having children with. How you are going to look after and pay for them. The time and financial commitment is huge. There hasn’t been the societal shame of yesteryear so a lot more people have had kids with various partners with more ‘blending’ going on.

Like someone said earlier though, the kids of these situations grow up eventually and remember how shit it all is. They then try to do better. Perhaps that’s the next evolution from ‘blending’. Hopefully.

@Pigeonqueen it is an interesting point about your own history. My "dad" was actually my stepdad (I never knew bio dad though) and my grandad was my step-grandad (also someone my granny married in later life and a lot better than the bio grandad who had no interest in me whatsoever and ran off with his mistress when I was 5). So maybe I am predisposed not to think that biological relationships are necessarily the be-all and end-all.

Perhaps we need to address why so many biological families are resorting to divorce
I am sure there are many reasons but the sheer number is beyond ridiculous
It really makes the think that zero effort is being put into some marriages and people are starting families when they really shouldn't be

I think we are lumping many different types of scenarios under the term "blended families". Clearly some families involving step-parenting and half-siblings or step-siblings can and do work well and others don't, depending on what other factors are in play. My own "blended family" is nothing like some of the situations you see on MN, but still involves the elements of step-parenting and half-siblings. (I am not trying to boast, just saying that they are not all the same thing. As has been demonstrated by someone pointing out that a family with adopted children can be considered a "blended" family too).

I think it's pretty telling that you zoned in on "ex wives behaving horribly" and "bitterness".
It's just more pointless competing with the first family. Happy people don't need to be this defensive.

My dad and stepmam modelled a really healthy relationship. But that was overshadowed by a really tricky, uneasy, and at times uncomfortable relationship with my step siblings. They were nice people, but had we met in any other circumstances, we wouldn’t have had anything to do with each other.

The only thing we really had in common was our parents loved each other. And so you know, that was enough to get us though birthday meals, and Christmas get togethers etc. But it wasn’t enough when we were all tired and had to sit and eat tea together on a random Wednesday. ‘oh but my dad loves their mam’ didn’t make me feel more comfortable leaving my room in my pjs, or make it any less frustrating that they hated the programme my siblings and liked to watch, so we always had to choose something else. I always describe (my experience of) having step siblings as spending multiple days a week with your in-laws, whether you feel like it or not.

I divorced when my kids were teens and my parents got divorced when I was a teen. My mum went on to meet someone new and he moved in with her, once that happened I don't think I ever stayed at her place again. Not because he was horrible or anything but it changed the dynamic of her home and I felt more like an inconvenience than part of the family. I couldn't treat it as my home anymore, it was their home now.

This has allowed me to see these situations from the child's point of view and I wouldn't want to put my own kids though that. I want them to feel safe and relaxed around me. Also, I wouldn't want to live with my kids boyfriends/girlfriends so I don't impose a new man on them either. I doubt I will ever live with a man again but if I do it will be once they have moved out.

I don't know why your options are stay in an unhappy marriage or live alone forever. You can have significant relationships without living together. To me that's the best of both worlds.

I think Mumsnet is a bit of an unfair place to draw assumptions from about blended families from because a lot of people posting in here will be single parents, looking for support from other people or those in relationships that aren’t working looking for advice. It makes it a bit biased!

We have a blended family and I never really mention it on here or in real life, we’re just a family. And it works well, as well as any other family with its usual good days and bad days. I met dh when dd was quite young, we’ve been together over 15 years now and have a son together now too (kids are now a teenager and a young adult). Dd and Ds have been treated exactly the same, we pool all our income, I’m a disabled but stay at home parent so I don’t work and dh and I have the same spending money, we’re equals in all regards. We’ve never really argued about anything, no horrible rows with the dc, dd views step dad as Dad. She still has some contact with her own Dad but he’s not a great dad at all, so maybe that’s helped the dynamics. No idea. But it works for us. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend the rest of dds childhood on my own, and thankfully I didn’t because now she has a step dad she loves and a younger brother she adores.

Perhaps I have rose tinted glasses on because my absolute favourite adult growing up was my Grandad - who wasn’t biologically my Grandad at all, he was someone my Gran married when she was in her 50s, and I grew up with him being every bit my real Grandad. So I don’t think being related as such makes such a big deal, my own Mum was absolutely vile.

A family is what you make it, and a blended family can be a wonderful one.

You're not wrong.

My parents would say the same as you. And to be honest, it is complicated because I love my stepmum and she's always been wonderful (my mum stayed single until I'd left home). But even with a lovely stepparent and stepsiblings who are a lot older so never direct 'competition', I still found growing up in a blended family hard.

There's just something about having a non related adult in your home 🤷‍♀️

And being brutally honest, the idea of potential half siblings made me anxious for years, I would have hated to have siblings who lived with my parent full time while I came and went (luckily this was never something I had to deal with).

The issue is, articulating any of these feelings as a child/teen is incredibly hard so many parents think everything is fine. Divorce is so common now that many parents assume that if their children appear to be coping well everything is ok. And that means they don't think of providing therapy etc, even though it may be useful for their children.

"In reality the children would rather just live with their biological family"...

Even if the biological parents were permanently fighting, shouting at each other, undermining each other, taking their bitterness and frustration out on the kids, or just sunk in a slough of resentment and misery rather than split up??

I have known several people (adults) whose lives were wrecked or at least permanently damaged by parents who should have got divorced but stuck it out 'for the kids' or some other reason best known to themselves.

Blended families are as unpredictable as any other family. Some nuclear family set ups are toxic and damaging to the kids and some step families are an absolute gift to a child. I suspect people don't gloat on MN when it's all going well, only to vent about it when it isn't.

My own blended family bought me nothing but sadness. Having your Dad play happy families with another woman’s children and then your half siblings whilst you are left behind. No thanks. Blended families are for the adults, not the children.

Blended families aren't new, I have loads in my family tree due to the Napoleonic War, WW1, WW2, disease, death in child birth etc.

Blended families can work ofcourse! But it takes time to adapt and consider the needs of all parties involved which is what many people don't want to do- take the time

I have a very close friend who within the space of 18months has left her husband, moved into a rented house for just over a year with their dc, started a relationship around 12 months ago, and is now in the final stages of buying a house together with him.
This new partner has 2 dc of his own.

Now not only is dear friend waxing lyrical about how wonderful life is and how they have "blended" due to weekends together and a one off villa holiday in the summer but how amazing it all is

I do feel I take my friends who are in a blended families outlook on how great it is with a pinch of salt as I can see how on some occasions your really want to convince others around you it was the best thing for everyone even if cracks start to show

I think mumsnet is realistic.

And I say that as someone who is no longer with the father of their children and has a partner AND had a step father.

When lender families genuinely work, it’s great. But, unfortunately, they often don’t. And it’s not shocking to see why.

Bringing new people into a family changes the dynamic. The more people you involve, the harder it is to blend well. So a new partner and a couple of more kids, means a good chance no everyone will be happy.

Then there’s often ex to consider. Maybe 2 exs, who need to be considered in plans. And maybe they have more kids or step kids. All impacting the whole set up.

and there’s tons of adults who grew up in blended families, who weren’t happy but haven’t told their parents. If it worked for you. That’s great. But why be so bothered if your blended family worked so well? Those threads aren’t about you. That advice isn’t about you. If someone gives advice and I can’t relate to the situation they are advising on, why would I be bothered?

I don’t live with Dp. I don’t ever plan on marrying him. Other people’s opinions mean nothing. Other people’s opinions on whether someone else should get married or should live with their partner, has no impact on me. It produces no emotional response because it’s not relevant to me.

I agree that many children are much better off with their parents apart. I disagree that most kids in blended families are better off though. Many blended families exist because of money or purely because the adults wanting to be together. The blended families who work are a tiny minority and if that’s your family then great but you are kidding yourself if you think that your situation is usual.

Because 90% of 'blended' families are a pile of shit. Formed and smashed together based on whoever the parent is currently shagging.

Hell would freeze over before I stuffed my kids into various box rooms with kids they aren't related to

I see a lot of posts on here, usually by Step Mothers that claim SC shouldn't be prioritised because 'they don't live here all the time'. They're treat the SC as a kind of inconvenience and not a real part of their family. But they don't live anywhere all of the time and parents should be prioritising their children's needs. Often posters get accused of being 'jealous exs' or part of the 'first wives club' for calling out bad parenting when really they are often people still with their husband who cannot imagine treating their children so poorly.

Yep. I'm a totally solo mum to my 8 year old. I've tried dating but it definitely wasn't in his interests. I've now pretty much decided to stay single until he's well into his teens, and don't think I'd ever live with a partner until my son is grown up.
But that has a huge impact, as you said, on my income, energy level etc. if I could guarantee finding a wonderful man who would care for him like his own child, maybe I would consider it, but even just dating had such an emotional toil on me that means I can't be the best mum I can be.

Only because so many of the posts are ‘my kids vs his’ which is so sad. There’s also a lot of slagging off of the ex without thinking’is there a reason she’s not the most well adjusted’ or ‘was she always like that or just now she no longer has her child’s dad to lean on?’ I’m sure the world is full of modern family type blended families that are generally successful but they won’t need to post!!

Does it matter, OP?

You have made your decision. If you are happy with it and happy that it was made with the best interests of the children at heart and are truly comfortable with the life they have, why does it matter that other people wouldn't choose that for their children?

Would you judge a parent who remained single and chose not to introduce a step parent?