To think MN is horrible about blended families?

It's interesting that a lot of second marriages break down . I think it's because both sets of parents in the marriage put their own children first (as they should)

Add to that money , ex partners and in laws and it can be a lethal cocktail of resentment and friction.

All my friends who are or have been in blended family relationships all say they would never have got involved if they had their time again .

Of course some blended families do work and that's great .

First post nailed it.

No they don't. You really aren't reading them properly if that's your take. Your reply however proves their point, tbh. Maybe it's possible that your family is one of the very rare ones that improve the lives of the children. But even if it is, that doesn't change that for most kids, a parent's new marriage, takes more than it gives. Usually far, far more.

However your replies are so deliberately ignorant of that fact, that it suggests that maybe your blended family isn't as happy as you are maintaining. Otherwise you'd be happy to be the exception, not denying the lived experience of others.

The man I am now married to, is not my (adult) children's father. I left him when they were 11 & 9 years old. I went on to meet my now DH, and have been with him for 16 years now. They do like their stepfather and we all get on, but I am under no illusion, that they would have preferred for me and their Dad to stay together. It was impossible for me, as he was consistently unfaithful. But of course their lives would have been easier had we not separated. For a start, their childhood was spent shuffling between 2 homes. And their Dad won't speak to me, because I had the audacity to leave him, which makes family events difficult. Unless one parent was abusive towards the children, I would imagine that 100% of kids would rather live with both biological parents.

It probably partly depends on the kids? I can't see my DS1 ever being comfortable living with an unrelated man if I left my DP and I would prefer not to put him in that situation.

In my husband's family, the father's re-marrying and then apparently prioritising the children of the new family (he would say he didn't) has caused untold damage to the children and all of their relationships. All people involved are "nice", "decent" people - no abuse, effective co-parenting etc. But the children are now in their late 30s/early 40s and two are in therapy, while the third has chosen to pretend it's all ok/ignorance is bliss approach.

Yes, the children had a "happy" childhood in terms of good schools, nice holidays, extra curriculars, etc. plus no big arguments etc. But the relationships are really, really bad (whilst being terribly British, so everyone tries to pretend it's fine). All of them have serious insecurities, trying to meet up as a whole family is a nightmare as so many issues come up. Plus whatever the dad and his new wife do is interpreted as favouring one child or another and leads to lots of bitterness.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful the second family happened as otherwise my husband wouldn't exist! But the parents definitely thought all was fine with the kids and they were one big happy family. But to say their mental health is messed up is a big understatement! Unfortunately this is now trickling down to the next generation and the relationships between the cousins is strained/distant.

Nope. Don't see anyone who has said that?!

Parent wanting new relationship after divorce who behaves appropriately, dates privately and only introduces their kids to serious partners and models healthy relationships = totally fine

Thirsty parents who hate being alone and introduce a string of bf/gfs then shack up with the first willing participant and force their kids to have step siblings = selfish

There ARE happy and grateful stepmums though! We do exist. I have never been on the step-parenting board, so my positive experience would not be seen there.

A successful blended family like your own is lovely but can’t you understand why those that aren’t so successful are deeply upsetting for those involved? Particularly the kids? I think the posts we see on MN often involve one or both parents prioritising their own needs and feelings above the children and they quite rightfully get called out for this.

It wouldn't surprise me if every member of my Brothers blended family was on here, letting off steam. They get on alright on public occasions but we can all see it's tense.
He was a rubbish new dad and a terrible EOW parent. I don't know what new step mum was thinking picking up the tricky tween years when hers were nearly off to uni.
So they have hers 22 & 20 his 17 and 15 all of them screwed up in different ways, all needing love bombing security but having to share and compete with each other whilst the grown ups desperately trying and claw time to bond together without them.
I feel so sorry for the whole bloody lot of them and wish they could have just held off the blending for a couple more years.

The successful blended families in our family are the ones that got together in their 50s or when one parent brought no kids to the marriage and then no combined kids. My cousin is an amazing stepdad, totally there for them. My second cousin trod a egg shell path at great sacrifice to her, she did it beautifully and is incredibly loved.

That's not what anyone was talking about though!! Totally different.

I agree with others they can frequently be awful and entirely about the parents needs. Doesn't mean all are but I think plenty are (and my own experience as a child was crap although My Mum would have said the same as you!)

Statistics don’t lie. Child abuse occurs in homes where there is a step parent arrangement much more often than biological parents.

Those old fairy tales told this story because it was true.

I don’t have first hand experience of this but for most people I know who have or are from a blended family, it’s shit.

The only exception as pp have said is if the step parent moves in when the child is very young, so they basically grow up with them. Or on the other end of the scale, if they move in once the child has reached adulthood/gone off to uni etc. Obtaining a step father between the ages of about 5-17 is in most cases bloody awful from what I’ve heard. Statistically, the risk of abuse happening in the household also absolutely sky rockets - having a step father/live in mother’s partner is the no.1 predictor of abuse.

OP, you have to bear in mind that when people post about blended families on here it's because things aren't going well- no one posts to say how brilliantly things are going because they don't need to post. Instead it's endless posts about step-mums hating their step-kids (when it's obvious that the partner is the one who's actually the problem, or else the mum just wishes the step kids would fuck off and not be around any more), new arsehole partners at loggerheads with children, or the really sad ones where someone posts about their horrible sullen teenager and it only comes out gradually that the mum has moved them half way across the country and away from their friends to live with some bloke...obviously the replies to posts like that are going to point out that not a lot of thought has been given to the children. If anything, I think people tend to be too understanding of the parents and not critical enough of how they have put themselves ahead of their kids.

Yes. There's a reason the evil stepparent trope is thousands of years old.

Blended families are almost always shit for the step mum

Blended family here and genuinely it is for the best. My son’s step father is the best parent he’s ever had, provided for him more in five years than his father has. Took him to his first football game, taught him to ride a bike and both children love and adore each other. Is it perfect? Nope. Are some days extremely hard? Yep. But on the whole, it is a much better life than we would have had if we were still with the biological father or on our own. By the looks of it though, I am extremely lucky.

It's not the step children they hate
They are the victims

I also think many blended families on here haven't taken any time to assess what they are getting into. Especially when it comes to previous wife. A lot of:
I am not doing xy for her, I don't want to interact with her etc...
If you are with her ex husband and kids are involved then she IS your family.

As a whole this site seems to fucking hate step children.

It's a self selecting group. Those who are in happy blended families aren't going to post. Those that have conflict are going to post. If you look at the relationship board and take it as representative you'd think most people are in unhappy relationships.

It's definitely a bit of a taboo to admit publicly, but I don't think blended families work for children at all. I think it can lead to unhappiness and resentment at best, outright abuse at worst.

@soupfiend said that blended families have been a thing for centuries and yes that's true but a look at the court rolls from almost any period in history and you will see that they have also caused a LOT of problems too for all involved (especially children from first marriages - sooooo many inheritance lawsuits).

As for 'ordinary' people the so called peasant and yeomans classes throughout history - well they had less ability to take their blended family problems to court, but they did tell each other folktales about them, centuries of folktales which were eventually compiled by the Grimm Brothers. And the trope of the 'wicked stepmother' or evil step-siblings is EXTREMELY common....for a reason.

I agree. It's a selfish decision based on what the adults want. How is sharing your home with people you have no choice over in any way for the benefit of a child, especially when the children don't get along, different parenting styles and dealing with another adult who is not your parent. Utterly selfish imo.

I do think that is the key. My stepdad’s daughter was grownup and lived away when he moved in. I met her, obviously, but she wasn’t part of the day to day. That household was very easy to live in. My stepmam had children still living at home, that blended family was far harder to be a part of. Purely because there was a group of children ‘forced’ to be together who’s only thing they had in common was that their parents had married.