To think MN is horrible about blended families?

Yes, but there is a difference between making a decision for your kids because you know it benefits them and making a decision (a huge one) for your kids that is life altering and could quite possible make their lives a lot worse because it benefits yourself.

I think there's a whole different opinions on the topic, mostly around the why and the how. (posted too soon - edited) - it's sad that many only see negatives.

• Was not enough time given before marriage/babies to assess the partner's quality = divorce and subsequent blended family
• Are you or exDP 'bad' in some way, causing the divorce?
• Is new partner 'settling' (many people would prefer their own babies rather than raising others (typically)).
• Is it 'relationship hopping'? - many men (and let's be fair, women too) struggle with single parents, so jump from one to another (regularly?)
• Is the man 'lower quality'? A man won't be able to raise that child as his own, discipline that child, he'll have to put up with exDP's influence, "you're not my father" comments, etc... and then if the relationship breaks down, the man has zero rights, so he's invested a lot of time, money, effort into a child that after a breakup, he will never see again. What sort of man would risk that?

I completely agree.

@kungfullama I think it's wonderful that your blended family works.

My stepfather is a prince among men - loved by his biological children, my mom, us and my extended family. My friend married a man who you cannot tell isn't her daughter's dad and they had two more children. My sister remarried and her husband is an amazing stepdad to my niece/nephews. Now they're adults, those boys call him first when they need to get something done.

I know, however, that we won the step-parents' lottery, because I also see the shitshow that happens in step-families around me.

My ex says as an adult says he can see that his step-mom was a kind woman who given the chance, would've been good to him and his brothers, buttttt - his mom was a 'force to be reckoned with' and to avoid conflicts, his step-mom just stayed out of their way so they don't have much of a relationship.

Some of the scenarios I read about on MN make me want to weep for the poor children, so there's often nothing else to advise but to put an end to the shitshow.

I've been single for 9 years and to avoid the very unlikely chance of me inviting a dud into my daughter's home, I've remained single. Thankfully her father has too, so she's busy enjoying her best life.

I also think step-moms get a raw deal, so I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

There are a lot of MNers who are very judgemental of blended families.

There are also a lot of MNers who are willing to be honest about blended families in a way that very few people will in real life. Very few people are willing to admit that successfully blending families is very, very hard work and not in the children's interests in a pretty high proportion of cases.

As a step child. I’d never inflict a step parent or half or step siblings upon my own children. Nor would any of my friends who where step children.

My friends who are step parents without prior children say they would never do it again.

I think the cases where it works are majority step father with no children of their own including not then going onto have some with the new wife.

I think step mothers get the worst deal and are often the worst type of step family. Often because of shittt men who expect them to step up and do all the “women’s” work. Women then resents doing it for the Disney dad, then has her or already has her own children and often resents the step children’s time and money being taken away from her own.

Hardly irrelevant. If there were lots of posts on here about happy blended families there'd be more discussion of that with positive points of view that would give more of the balance that the OP wants. But as the nature of the site is that people post when there's a problem, others share similar experiences and POVs which are negative about blended families. It doesn't mean everyone has only negative views on the subject. If a thread was about, say, a what to wear at a wedding for a second marriage, there'd be a more positive vibe. People wouldn't be piping up with their bad experiences of blended families. It's always relevant to remember the skewed nature of discussions on here compared to the more complex conversations, encounters and opinions people can share in real life.

So finding another human being to love and support and visa versa is just a convenience? We should absolutely remain single until our children have left home and married themselves?

You need to bring yourself into the 21st century, blended families absolutely can and do work, we don’t all live in a fairytale where we remain virgins until we meet our husbands and have a boy and girl and stay blissfully happy forever.

I find this a very interesting discussion as i left my ex when my children were babies and have been living alone with them for 10 years. I have no intention to move my partner in because i want the children to have stability. I think deep down he also likes his own space even though to him, a normal family live together.

My Stepdad is one of the best people in my life. I love him dearly (much more than I ever loved my bio dad. that stopped when I started realising what a nasty man he was) and he's been a massive positive influence in my life. he took me on when I was a hormonal teenager who had and still was being horribly bullied all through my education, and he was really very young to take on that responsibility. he's always been there for me.
there weren't other children involved, but him being part of my life is only a good thing. yeah, we annoy each other sometimes. especially back then. but we love each other.

I don't feel its easy to judge this unless you have had the experience of being a child living in a blended family situation. My thoughts are as long as the four parents involved treated the respective step children exactly the same way as they treat their biological children showering them all with love & care then I'm sure it could be a wonderful existence all concerned.

I agree with this. I have no skin in this game but from friends I see that the kids really do just put up with it. And the adults need for a relationship gets put first.

One of my friends ha stayed single for her DS and I do think it was the right decision for her son. Not for her, but surely parenting means you put their needs before yours?

Children have no say in loads and loads of things. They're children, the adults make decisions for them. Petty resentments and minor emotional cruelty? Well, OK, but these can come from literally anywhere in a child's life - including, but not exclusive to, a 'non-blended' family.

Um, yeah, but it still doesn't make sense to assume people posting on MN are basing all their opinions on other MN posts. So it's irrelevant that most posts from OPs in blended families are moaning.

Maybe it is just the unhappy people who post on here? I know several families where it seems to work very well and certainly everybody involved is happier than they were before. I have never understood the constant harping on on Mumsnet that a single mother should not introduce new partners for extended periods of time or remarry. I have always felt that a happy confident mother is best for her children and a new partner can be a very positive thing.

Um, no, but OP is specifically about what MN thinks/sees as if its representative, which can only take from what is posted on here, hence people are pointing out the bias in that context.

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Where I come from, the nuclear family is very much the norm. It's very rare to have a blended family. Each to their own but I couldn't imagine anything worse.

OP, you have to bear in mind that when people post about blended families on here it's because things aren't going well

I don't know why people keep posting stuff like this. Nobody is basing their opinion on blended families entirely on MN posts, surely?

They're awful on MN threads and they're awful in real life.

Glad it’s worked it for you… I hope it works out for your children. I would never bring a stepfather into my child’s life, as I wouldn’t risk her like that 🤷🏼‍♀️

It just seems like the ultimate set up for millions of petty resentments and minor emotional cruelties that children can do without. It’s a story that the child has no say in.

While my step sisters are the scum of the earth (step brother is ok), my step family is great!
Step dad is fine, but I do have my own dad, who is also great.
But the extended step family? Its been an amazing addition ti my life! Ive gained aunts and uncles and cousins galore and I love it!
And when I was a kid I did like all my stepsiblings. But as we got older certain things came to light that made me see them for who they are.

Never lived with them, they were older, and lived with their mother, but we spent many holidays together!

Updating to say I think it can work OK where there is just a new partner and no new children. This happened with my cousin - he married a single mum who had two kids. Their dad is not on the scene at all. My cousin met them at 6 and 4, married their mum when they were 12 and 10 and is fully their "dad" now at 17 and 15. No kids on his side and no new kids within the family. Plus took their time to move in and get married and he asked the kids' permission first!

I don’t pay too much attention to blended family threads but I have seen a few where the OP has chosen a partner who already has a child, has her own kids with him then can’t seem to deal with her DHs child being part of the family, upsetting their ‘little unit’.. like they hoped their DH would just forget his older child and they could pretend to be a nuclear family. I find that really frustrating to read- just choose somebody without kids!

Fist post nailed it.

My mum would have said that my life was better with the addition of a step parent and step siblings too, but she was wrong.

I agree with this. Most adults think they have a successful blended family. The kids, not so much. And I don’t mean the kids are always terribly unhappy, just that their home isn’t their sanctuary in the same way it would be without their step parent/siblings,