To think MN is horrible about blended families?

It’s been looked at and identified as the Cinderella effect - that step parents tend to invest in their own biological children more than step children, and that the same psychology is present in actual neglect or abuse.

It is therefore a real issue, particularly for a family that blends children; and of course people in such positions don’t want to admit to jealousy or rivalry or any kind of disharmony as adults and the children say next to nothing as their circumstances depend on saying nothing to upset the arrangement. Biological families will have their own issues, but the Cinderella effect is one that is just for a step parenting situation.

I hate these snidey “do you need help?” comments.

In fact, the explosion of blended families is not that many generations old. It’s really important that people who were children in a blended family and are now grown up are able to speak out

Yes, the majority of parents just do their very best, often in difficult circumstances.

But feedback from children is important just as it is important adults are now speaking out about institutional abuse. The adults of yesterday speak for the children of tomorrow.

Well, you'd think wrong I'm afraid, 67% of 2nd marriages end in divorce.

And yes, I'd say that if you choose to stand up in front of a large group of people and say that you solemnly promise to stay with the person next to you for the rest of your life, and then later break up with them, you have to accept that you got it wrong when you made that promise.

I know many second marriages (mine included) where the previously married party has a good handle on the reasons the first marriage failed and is doing things differently. I also know people who pick the same type of person over and over again and break up for the same reasons over and over again.

What a weird thing to say.

Obviously it didn’t work out well for you but reading that it just sounds like you ended up with a big family, it wouldn’t have been a shit show if you all got along surely?

The thing is, we do all get along. Doesn't mean I was or am happy or resentment free

That's interesting, wonder why you didn't seek out another parent to date if blended families are so wonderful?

gonnabeteoubleemma · Yesterday 23:12

I was 4.5 with twin brothers who were 6 months old.
First my step dad moved in
Then my dad introduced me to his girlfriend and her 3 year old daughter
Dad and girlfriend got married
Then my mum got pregnant with my half brother was I was 8
Then my step mum got pregnant with my half brother when I was 12
Total fucking shit show.

Obviously it didn’t work out well for you but reading that it just sounds like you ended up with a big family, it wouldn’t have been a shit show if you all got along surely?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Stop moving men into your homes with your children!

I understand single parents don't want to be lonely, they want the companionship, financial stability but at what cost? Your children should be your priority.

I have been with my partner for 7 years and he's never even slept at my home. My home is my kids safe space and I won't have anyone disrupting that.

My mum decided we were to be part of a "blended family" and myself and my sister were molested by our so called stepbrother. It's not worth it, it's not worth the risk.

You have actually lost your mind love. Do you need signposting to some support?

Well, first off MN is a collection of different people and their viewpoints.If the vast majority of people believe something to be true, then maybe it is worth putting your pride aside and listening.
You say how wonder your blended family is- well great if you think that.Wonder if your kids agree?

I do think that when you look at all blended families, at least 50% of the adults in a blended family wrongly thought a relationship was stable enough to have children at least once before, and have now committed to another partner, so there may be a higher chance they've got it wrong again.

So not only are you saying that anyone with a failed marriage behind them 'got it wrong', you also think they'll more likely be a bad judge of character again? I don't think you fully understand the various reasons why relationships fail, and that someone's current behaviour in a relationship is not always a predictor of the future. Even if you're right, I would think divorced people are extra careful the second time around.

I was 4.5 with twin brothers who were 6 months old.

First my step dad moved in
Then my dad introduced me to his girlfriend and her 3 year old daughter
Dad and girlfriend got married
Then my mum got pregnant with my half brother was I was 8
Then my step mum got pregnant with my half brother when I was 12

Total fucking shit show.

Well, if that's the case then no one should date anyone, ever. Not even the ones they have kids with in the first place. No one knows until they know, right?

This has gone from extreme catastrophe to extreme catastrophe. First it was having a stranger in your home permanently - always a stranger no matter how long you live with them - and never being happy for a single second with them there, to all men single mothers might form relationships with are dormant sex offenders just waiting to pounce.

@Wellingtonspie Watch the kids while I work? We both work full time the same hours. I don’t want anyone else to look after the kids while I’m here, I want to be with them as much as I can in the hours I don’t work. That’s why I stay with them.

Yes, that's what they say. Then you dig a little bit deeper and you find out about all the bright red flags and all the times they looked away rather than see what was staring them in the face.

None so blind as those that don't want to see.

I mean tell that to everyone who ever dated or married or raised such a person. Who had no idea till they knew. Because all of those people would have said not my Nigel. No not Fred his lovely. No way Ryan he seemed so normal. Lizzie she would never she was such a sweet girl.

Unfortunately abusers and sex offenders don’t tend to walk around with neon signs or tattoos on their foreheads. Same as shitty people, they put on a lovely persona to the outside world while they torment their victim.

Men again have been known to target single mothers as a way to get to their daughters.

If you suspect the person you're in a relationship with is a predator then you might want to rethink your choices. That has nothing to do with whether blended families as a concept are bad.

Some step parents are shit people. Some biological parents are shit people. They make shit choices and the kids feel the fall out. I suspect the children of these parents would have trauma and dysfunctional childhoods even if the parents had remained single.

We are a blended family.

I had a long term relationship and he was a nasty piece of work. Shouldn't really have got pregnant but I did. The dad went awol never to be heard from again.

Met my now dh about 18 months later. We've been together 17 years now and have one child together too.

I do resent it when people say blended families are always bad news. Dh is a thoroughly decent man who has been a huge emotional, practical and financial support.

I think it made it a lot easier all round that we met when ds was a baby and dh had no children. Ds hasn't had to make any sacrifices only gained.

They start off a stranger and you get the choice to build a relationship with them. They can move to a friend to a best friend to like family if you decide.

The child gets zero choice on their new step mum/dad some might form a true connection. Many won’t they will just play along till they leave home.

Adoption is a whole different barrel. That child is not having contact with their biological parents they have new legal parents. However if you really want to get into it a lot of adopted children as adults go to the ends of the earth to find their “true” “real” families. In some cases quite a few actually dumping their adoptive parents along the way in favour of their biological parents. You only have to read online of adoptive parents being heart broken that the children they have raised have gone low or no contact in favour of their birth families.

I’m a Dad, I wasn’t there at their conception, I wouldn’t have been much use if I was, I wasn’t there when they were born, one I met at 18 months, the other at about six weeks, and ten weeks when her big brother met her.

So families formed by adoption aren't valid either? It's all just about biology? Every single person you know and trust was once a stranger to you.

so the only plus side to moving in your new chap is what sharing a bed nightly and cash then.

Because in a normal family. Dad would watch the children while you work or go out just as you would watch the children while he may be at work or out with friends. Being able
to pop to the shops or run errands without tag alongs.

If his just warming my bed and paying some rent he can live in his own home and we can have sex when the children are out / at dads.

No need to blend. Amazing.

It's the definition of 'stranger' that's a bit daft.
I'm not saying that there aren't people who move a partner in ridiculously early. But I don't think that's all or even the norm. My children knew my partner for 3 years before we moved in together.
It was carefully planned so that everyone had time, space in the new home and knew each other well.
I find the idea of insisting that someone the children have known well for over 3 years is a stranger, just because they are not a blood relation, just daft. And a bit hysterical.

@Wellingtonspie a partner doesn’t have to be left alone with your children just because you live together. You can stay with them at all times, just as you would if the partner wasn’t living there

I believe that blended families work if the adults are committed to making it work and can see weak points in all the relationships. I think parents who just assume that there kids will want to spend time with their new partners kids or look at changing living arrangements to soon will just result in things backfiring on them. I have been part of a blended family before and it was hardwork. I didn't think in the end it benefitted my children.

I'm in a new relationship and from the start his attitude to this has been really important to me. We both agree we would like our kids to be around each other and ourselves but we think that living together would chaos and would build resentment. There all teenagers now so we know that they won't all be at home forever.