Page 16 | To think MN is horrible about blended families?

kungfullama · 2024-10-18T10:56:29+00:00

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow. Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids. Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too. Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married. Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 15:07

@Slothsarecool

You're so ignorant it's too excruciating to argue with you.

Trambopoline · 18/10/2024 15:07

SereneFish · 18/10/2024 12:35

I think some blended families do work, and it's all about attitude and pace. Imo it will never work if the "blending" happens within about 3.4 seconds of the relationship being introduced to the kids.

From what I've seen, the rare cases that work are usually ones where the other biological parent isn't involved, the step parent was established when the child was young so they grew up with them, and, most crucially, the step-parent doesn't have any other children. It's a rare set of circumstances.

This was exactly our set up when I was a kid and I agree. Real dad didn’t want anything to do with us, step dad came on the scene when I was about 4, had no kids himself and never had any with my mum. I always feel lucky mum didn’t meet anyone with their own kids or who wanted their own kids!

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 15:06

Beezknees · 18/10/2024 15:06

It's very interesting that most of us who were the kids in the blended family situation are saying it's pretty shit, and most of the ones defending it are the adults who have put their kids in that situation. Says it all!

Absolutely says it all! It's HILARIOUS

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 15:06

@Sapphire387

Do you have any experience of living in a blended family as a child?

Slothsarecool · 18/10/2024 15:06

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 14:58

@Slothsarecool

Did you have step parents and step siblings?

They both had partners but no one living with us. I very much liked my mums boyfriend and would have had no problem with him living with us.

im sure this all comes down to personalities too… some people get on, some people don’t, some people are more easy going and rigid than others.

Beezknees · 18/10/2024 15:06

It's very interesting that most of us who were the kids in the blended family situation are saying it's pretty shit, and most of the ones defending it are the adults who have put their kids in that situation. Says it all!

Barrenfieldoffucks · 18/10/2024 15:06

Agreed, and an interesting point

Sapphire387 · 18/10/2024 15:05

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 14:57

Well, firstly I don't think anyone should be moving 'strangers' in. And secondly, plenty of children share their father with other children.

There's a high level of judgement and 'holier than thou' in your post, it's pretty unpleasant.

Ok, moving unrelated adults into their home then.
And sharing their fathers with unrelated children.

Don't be obtuse.

I AM judgmental on this topic. Sorry if you find that unpleasant but you have your head in the sand.

What exactly do I have my head in the sand about?

Oh wait. You mean I don't agree with your opinion.

You're right, I don't. I don't believe this issue always black and white.

ByMerryKoala · 18/10/2024 15:04

Is it martyr-ish to put the wellbeing and security of your children and their stable home environment first over throwing it all into jeopardy so that you can move in a partner and their children and demand that they all get on with it?

If so, I guess that martyrs get bad press because I think it's very kind and reasonable.

Spirallingdownwards · 18/10/2024 15:04

redtrain123 · 18/10/2024 12:22

If everything was tickety boo in the blended family set-up, they wouldn’t probably be posting on mn.

if everything was tickety boo in a non blended family set-up they probably wouldn't be posting on MN either.

Blended or non-blended some families have problems.

SereneFish · 18/10/2024 15:03

ZoeCM · 18/10/2024 15:02

This is a very good point. Expecting an adult to keep living with their children's other parent - someone they chose to have a child with - is considered unreasonable. Fine. But by that logic, how is it fair to expect a child to live with an unrelated adult, and possibly his/her children too, just for the sake of their parents' love life? It makes no sense.

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And all these people wittering about how brilliant their blended families are.. would they be happy if they were forced into a houseshare with strangers and not allowed to leave for the next decade? Like fuck they would.

ZoeCM · 18/10/2024 15:02

takealettermsjones · 18/10/2024 12:33

I think some blended families do work, and it's all about attitude and pace. Imo it will never work if the "blending" happens within about 3.4 seconds of the relationship being introduced to the kids.

But, and I may get flamed for this... I feel that the parents in some blended families are perhaps expecting their kids to be able to behave better, tolerate more, compromise more than they are able/willing to. What I mean by that is if you've got two parents who can't stand each other but coparent well, it means they can get along when they're not forced to live together, but living under the same roof is too much. So it's specifically having to live together that causes friction/touch points.

It could be said that blending a family is shifting that problem onto the kids. The kids of two families are often expected to go from vaguely enjoying some other family's company when they all go to the zoo together to having to live with them, and if they complain, they're often just told to suck it up (in nicer words, I guess, but it's basically just that).

Obviously there are bad ways and good ways to do everything, and blended families are just the same: with time, compromise, effort and care they can work. But the opposite does happen unfortunately.

This is a very good point. Expecting an adult to keep living with their children's other parent - someone they chose to have a child with - is considered unreasonable. Fine. But by that logic, how is it fair to expect a child to live with an unrelated adult, and possibly his/her children too, just for the sake of their parents' love life? It makes no sense.

betterangels · 18/10/2024 15:02

Blended families are about the wants of the adults not the needs of children. Which is what it is if only the adults would admit it.

UpstartCrows · 18/10/2024 15:01

rainydays03 · 18/10/2024 14:58

and that’s great for you but I think that’s being a bit of a martyr, because there’s absolutely no reason at all why the right step parent wouldn’t bring your children joy, happiness and more stability. Not every blended family story is a bad one.

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Problem is you really don't know whether they are the right step parent or not until it's too late. The kids are the ones who pay the price for a wrong decision. So being a martyr it isn't, being cautious and unwilling to compromise your child's security it is.

Wellingtonspie · 18/10/2024 15:00

UpstartCrows · 18/10/2024 14:59

Well, your kids will be able to tell you in 20 years time whether it was a positive blended family or not.

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They might not. I’ve got teenagers now and my mum still thinks it great. It’s a secret we shall never tell her.

Beezknees · 18/10/2024 14:59

rainydays03 · 18/10/2024 14:58

and that’s great for you but I think that’s being a bit of a martyr, because there’s absolutely no reason at all why the right step parent wouldn’t bring your children joy, happiness and more stability. Not every blended family story is a bad one.

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I don't want a relationship to be honest so it's not being a martyr. Most men are shit anyway, I don't want another burden at home!

UpstartCrows · 18/10/2024 14:59

Slothsarecool · 18/10/2024 14:45

I can’t believe the negativity spouted here!!

Blended families can be absolutely beautiful, and when they are, they are far far better than any family living in a toxic household with both biological parents.

i do think there is something in the kids meeting eachother when young though. I think is far easier to integrate then, rather than introducing older children.

I remarried and we first introduced the kids when they were 1,5 and 7 and I can honestly say everyone is very happy and loves eachother very much. Of course there are moments, as in all families, but I can say without doubt, for us it works and the kids lives are far better than they would have been like should I have stayed with their father or been on my own.

Well, your kids will be able to tell you in 20 years time whether it was a positive blended family or not.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 18/10/2024 14:59

My birth family was grim.

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 14:58

@Slothsarecool

Did you have step parents and step siblings?

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 14:58

Yes my mothers parents where together till death. Ironically once her father died and her mother remarried she hated her mothers new husband even as a 40 year old women. Ironic really since she didn’t have to live with him or share a house with his children or anything.

But we did her husband.

Pisses me offff

rainydays03 · 18/10/2024 14:58

Beezknees · 18/10/2024 14:54

It's never done with the child's best interests at heart though, it's done because the adults want it.

I'm a lone parent and I'll stay single rather than force a step parent on my DS.

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and that’s great for you but I think that’s being a bit of a martyr, because there’s absolutely no reason at all why the right step parent wouldn’t bring your children joy, happiness and more stability. Not every blended family story is a bad one.

WhosPink · 18/10/2024 14:57

Blended families are all about putting the desires of adults above the needs of children. My parents did it and sought to justify it just like you are doing.

Yes - we judge, and with justification.

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 14:57

Well, firstly I don't think anyone should be moving 'strangers' in. And secondly, plenty of children share their father with other children.

There's a high level of judgement and 'holier than thou' in your post, it's pretty unpleasant.

Ok, moving unrelated adults into their home then.
And sharing their fathers with unrelated children.

Don't be obtuse.

I AM judgmental on this topic. Sorry if you find that unpleasant but you have your head in the sand.

Slothsarecool · 18/10/2024 14:56

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 14:49

Are your parents separated? Do you have step-parents?

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Actually my parents stayed together in an awful relationship until I was 15. I felt I never experienced a proper family unit and just lived in a house with two people who lived completely separate lives.

i was adamant I wouldn’t repeat that with my kids, so when the relationship with their dad broke down I absolute knew they’d be better with us living separately.

Neither of my parents remarried, but I wish they would have done. I would love for my mother (my father passed away) to have a partner and companionship.

Wellingtonspie · 18/10/2024 14:55

gonnabeteoubleemma · 18/10/2024 14:37

Most of us from blended families are from parents that have parents that never divorced. They have no clue what it's actually like.

Especially as a girl having to live with a new man.

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Yes my mothers parents where together till death. Ironically once her father died and her mother remarried she hated her mothers new husband even as a 40 year old women. Ironic really since she didn’t have to live with him or share a house with his children or anything.

But we did her husband.