To think MN is horrible about blended families?

Having been part of a blended family as a child, I vowed never to be in one again. We'd been brought up very differently to my DM's (widowed) 2DH older DCs, and they outnumbered us, bullied us and were deeply unpleasant. It was full-time and full-on. There was obvious favouritism towards them from their DF, who 'helpfully' took over DM finances and controlled everything. We were barely tolerated and left as soon as possible, never returned. It completely fractured our relationship with DM, which never fully recovered.
I avoided dating anyone with children, and more than once, after I started seeing someone and found out they had DC, I walked away. If nothing else, it gave DB and me very clear relationship boundaries. Having grown up in a blended family, I vowed never to be part of one again. My siblings and I were raised quite differently from my mother's (widowed) older children's father’s kids. They outnumbered us, bullied us, and were often unpleasant. It was an overwhelming situation with constant conflict. There was evident favouritism from their father, who took control of my mother’s finances and managed everything. We felt barely tolerated and left as soon as possible, never returning. This experience severely fractured our relationship with our mother, which never fully healed.
As a result, I made a conscious effort to avoid dating anyone with children. More than once, when I discovered that someone I was dating had kids, I chose to walk away. This approach helped my DS and me establish clear relationship boundaries. We are both now parents and happily married (decades) to our first and only partners.

Of course it is possible. It's just not what we chose to do.

To be honest, I think we had a hard lot with my first husband passing away, it was a long way from ideal. My husband was also widowed and I have a stepdaughter. So we are blended but in a single household with no custody issues etc. It is 'neater' at least, I guess.

This is how we choose to do things for ourselves and our kids. Maybe we are wrong- but I'm not basing that on what people on mumsnet say. As I said in a previous post, it's not like I can run two parallel lives and say it would definitely have been better to stay living separately. Nobody has a crystal ball. We just try our best. We also have a baby daughter and all our kids dote on her. I refuse to believe it was the wrong thing to do. But perhaps I have my head in the sand, as a previous poster has suggested.

God, this place is depressing sometimes, always attributing bad motives or selfishness to everyone.

Blended families are not inferior but they can even more difficult to navigate than nuclear families because they are more complicated.
They quite often start with the children feeling confused and hurt that one of their parents has moved out of the family home, and more of the same when another adult moves in, and even more if they come with kids of their own who take up what has been the original children's space, time and attention. And vice versa for the children who are moving in, leaving their own family nest.
This is a lot to get over. Some blended families end up happy and successful but it's hard for the children, who have not chosen these big changes at all, and very likely wish their parents were still together and both still living with them.
That is not to say that parents shouldn't go ahead - they may see it as the best option for themselves and their children. But that doesn't make it easy.

Which is why I said "most" not "all".

I agree with this. However, I did have a friend in school who had a very happy blended family, so it certainly can be done. I loved being at her house, they had a very happy home. Looking back now as an adult myself, I can see all the adults involved were putting in a huge amount of effort and it paid off.

Just to say sometimes it is a happy family-my parents divorced when I was around 10 (a looong time ago) and I can honestly say I adored my step mother and step siblings.
It was primarily because of my step mother which I sort of knew at the time but in hindsight am so grateful for her.

My devilishly handsome and charming father had several more wives spanning decades but am still in touch with her and love her very much.

So sometimes it can work-for a while at least...

It's a very difficult balance to strike. Ages of kids probably come into it as well. My mum remarried when I was 14 so at that age I definitely didn't want a "new dad". He didn't want me around either to be fair so my view is skewed and I fucked off to live with my boyfriend when I was 17. To me it seems like far more work than it's worth hovering between trying not to overstep boundaries because after all "you're not my mum/dad" and actually gaining that respect.

First post nails it.

This isn't just MN, actually - it's spreading to younger age groups. It's called "Dump Him" culture. There are TikTok trends about abitrary challenges you should give your boyfriend - e.g. the "orange peel test" (Google it) - to see if he really cares about you. Basically, what's happening is that society is more media-driven than ever before, because we have easy access to so many TV shows, films, books, etc. Women are increasingly expecting real relationships to be as perfect as fictional ones - and when they inevitably fall short, the advice is to dump your partner. (It's the female counterpart of what's happening with men: men are increasingly expecting their girlfriends to look/act like porn stars.)

There's absolutely nothing with being happily single - it's great when it's what you really want! But the problem is, these women aren't dumping their partners because they want to be single - they're dumping them because they think he's getting in the way of meeting a near-flawless man. Completely normal relationships in which couples occasionally argue and take each other for granted are being reframed as "toxic".

I met DH when DS was 7, he moved in when DS was 10. We had a child together when DS was 14. Whatever nonsense people spout on these threads, having a 2 parent household has been only a good thing for my now adult son, with all of the benefits that 2 parents bring!

Yes and the attitude towards step parents were negative enough that you get a ton of folktales with the trope of the evil stepmother.

Like others have said you aren't going to get the posts where everything is going great. MN isn't the place to go if you want balanced experiences.

Totally, that's fair enough. They might, or they might not, as you say. None of us has a crystal ball. I hope they at least see him as another friendly adult on their side. We do try to work hard towards this.

I think if there's no kids on one side it's a bloody great help. I had no issue when my dad married my step mum when I was 12. But she didn't come complete with another set of kids. I still get on extremely well with her, we meet up, chat often she cooks me dinner when I visit etc and my dad passed away 6 years ago.

I did still see my mum after my parents divorced. But in reality was closer to my stepmum

Yep, just wait.

But they won't because they want to share bills etc.

Sapphire387 Sorry for your loss. But no one is saying you shouldn't have a relationship. Having a relationship and not moving unrelated men into your children's home... that's possible.

100% this.

The thing is though is the assumption that the kids will see him as a "father figure". They might do, I'm not saying they won't. But I don't see my stepdad as a father figure, he was my mum's husband and that's the extent of it.

I created a blended family because I wanted another relationship, yes. But I also wanted my children to grow up in a home with a father figure (and a relationship model) and I tried to pick a good man (I was widowed first time round). The two are not mutually exclusive.

I don't know for sure that this is best for them. But I also don't know for sure that remaining single would have been best. And had their biological dad lived... not sure he would have been the best either, as he had turned out to have a secret gambling habit.

There's a narrative on here that people start new relationships and do not consider their kids at all. That would obviously be awful but I can't believe most parents don't also consider the needs of their kids. Blended families are presented as this awful, selfish act of the parents. And maybe some parents are like that, and don't consider their kids. But it is possible to choose something for yourself and also consider how your kids may be impacted by that.

I truly believe this too.

Adults thinking with their genitalia while trying to convince themselves and everyone else it’s in the bests interest of everyone to move new random unrelated person into house.

100% this!

People posting on MN about issues within blended families are usually posting because there are serious problems and they want advice on how to deal with them.
I don't think it's hate of blended families in general. It's more to do with the awful scenarios posters find themselves in and that's why the advice is often LTB or quite harsh comments or comments about thinking about the children first.
People don't come on here and post "Hey everyone, my blended family works really well". That's why the response to posts are mainly negative because the OPs are negative.

One of the things that annoys me and many other posters too is when OPs move new partners in too soon and then have their children there for half the week or whatever and next thing, a new baby comes along. It's not good for any of the children involved in this and lo and behold there are issues between the kids or between the new partner and the OP's kids or arguments between the new partner and OP about how to raise children/differences in parenting styles.

It’s not ideal, is it? DH is from a blended family (children from previous marriages on both sides plus new siblings from the new relationship) and there has been a lot of resentments between various siblings re. perceived unfair treatment. I grew up with a single mum, who never moved any boyfriend in. Which I think was probably the right thing to do, the downside is we were as poor as church mice.

I think often it’s rushed and with the ‘other man/woman’ which is a recipe for disaster. Also problematic when the children are being shunted from one house to the next, with often very conflicting parenting styles and old resentments playing out.

The only one I know that’s worked is a single man married my divorced friend. She had one child and they’ve had three more. They all get on well. I think the difference is he’s a laid back and lovely person, who never treated his stepchild any differently. The bio dad was off the scene also, so no conflicts.

Look, if you could just change your opinion entirely so it fits neatly with the idea that all families are exactly the same so that nobody gets hurt feelings, that would be perfect.