To think MN is horrible about blended families?

I get this, but if parents split up and later on meet someone else are they not allowed to move on with a relationship because the children want to live with biological parents?

If DH and I split up and I got a new partner who had children, I don't think I would see any appeal in us all moving in together. I could afford to house my DS on my own though...maybe that makes a difference?

I don't have a strong opinion on blended families though. I've never really thought about it.

I do find the attitude towards step parents really sad on here though. The suggestion that as a step parent you don't have any obligation to put yourself out for your step children at all. It actually sticks out as one of the saddest themes on here, I think.

2 families I know come to mind,
lovely boy quiet, athletic clever and thoughtful, new "stepsister" also lovely but much more outgoing. He was utterly miserable.
Second family lovely girl new "stepbrother" older by 1 year was a sexual abuser.
I think the parents don't know how their children really feel or don't want to.

I have lots of direct stepfamily experience from the point of view of the child (in fact, I don't remember any other kind of family set-up so it's the only 'family life' I know).

It was massively damaging. I feel deep sadness reading the posts of the other people who have stepchild experience because I truly understand. For those that disagree with those posters, it might help you/them to understand if they can imagine being a young child, sick in the night, afraid to go and get help from a parent because they sleep with somebody you're afraid of and their bedroom is their private space where you instinctively don't go. That's one of a thousand painful experiences but I think it illustrates how lonely it can be, to be a child in a stepfamily.

That said, I know of two stepfamilies which were largely successful - in both cases, the biological parent loved their child/ren and dominated the stepparent (their partner). It sometimes meant a problem in the adult relationship but the overall family unit was pretty stable and the children (of the biological parent) were safe and content, protected. But it's not a family dynamic I would aspire to.

My parents are nice people who simply didn't have the backbone to stand up for their children. I think it could have worked better if they were more protective. But neither knew they would need to be protective. One of the parents has admitted to being naive about the whole thing.

The thing with adverse childhood experiences is that they simply can't be undone. As you get older, you can strive to understand but you can't undo it.

When I became a pet owner, I was staggered all over again at the pain my parents put me through (although I know they didn't know). I would not subject my pets to living with somebody who didn't want them there. But my parents simply didn't see.

For balance, I will say that I suspect I am better educated than I would be if I had grown up in a single parent home. And I am glad that I'm well-educated. But the price I paid was considerable.

I work in mental health. It’s very rare for the young adults that I work with to have parents who are still together, the issue doesn’t seem to be the blending of families though. It’s more the disrupted attachments that come from the breakdown in a parent’s relationship.

Obviously for some it will be the trauma from seeing or experiencing abuse, or the dynamics of a blended family but for many it’s the loss associated with losing a primary caregiver at a vulnerable age.

Why do you care what others think if you think they're talking bollocks?

Just ignore them and move on.

And congratulations on co parenting well with your ex. Many many people find this hard. Go you! 🙌

Yes, young people have always been silly and self-absorbed, but words such as "abusive" and "toxic" definitely weren't thrown anywhere near as frequently as they are now when I was in my early twenties.

I’m genuinely really glad you don’t. I’m just talking about the people I personally know.

I've witnessed instances where parents have sworn at their children in public. Does that mean the majority of parents are horrid?

No one ever posts the positives I guess. I had divorced parents. Mom went onto have more children and it was fine. I have 2 children and 2 step children all teenagers, they get on well and I feel this is genuine. My step children are not with us all the time so maybe that helps and my children are with me full time and don't see other parent. They are treated equally when altogether. Of course we probably favour our own children but not in a way that is detrimental to the other. I think we have all benefit.

Some blended families work others don't, for many different reasons. I do think some parents rush introducing the new partner because the desperately want to provide a "family " for their child.
I was on the bus the other day when a ( very loud)couple got on and sat behind me, she kept repeating that she was going to treat " Jaydon to a birthday meal out" How he would love to go out for a meal for his 12th birthday and she would spoil him and planned to give him the presents she had bought for him. The bloke got is phone out and put it on loud speaker, a young boy answered, the Dad told the lad he was on his way to see him, the young lad was really excited and pointed out to his dad that he hadn't seen him for a month, he asked if he was bringing Jodie and his dad told him he wasn't with her anymore but he was bringing Annie his new Girlfriend and he would show him photo's of his new brother and sisters, the lad went deathly quiet. The dad went on and on about nice Annie's kids were. I felt so sorry this poor lad and wondered what bloody chaos he lived in.
I wonder how many "brothers and sisters" he has had. Why do grown adults put there children so much hell?

I don't have trauma from it.

These posts are reminding me of the welfare question that our local hospital and health visiting service routinely ask all parents - has a new man joined your family / moved into your family home? Because that is how concerned they are about blended families....

I’m sure some are fine, but it must be quite unsettling for some children who end up with step siblings on both sides and who are shunted between homes while their step siblings stay put or are going back and forth to a different home. Or the families that have had a succession different step parents and siblings.

Sorry posted too quick. Wouldn’t say either of us are traumatised but I (raised by single mum, no money) definitely don’t have the confidence of our DC, who have had the lucky break to be raised by a stable household. DH has the trait of being a bit selfish and emotionally detached, the consequence of being one of many in a family of conflict.

Whats a blended family?

It works for some, not for others. If it’s working for you, no need to worry what random people on the internet think. 🙂

I wouldn’t say DH (blended and then some) or I (broken)

Yes and the attitude towards step parents were negative enough that you get a ton of folktales with the trope of the evil stepmother.

And where did that 'attitude' come from?? I wonder.

It's completely appropriate to be very picky early on in relationships in order to end up with someone you actually want to stay married to when you do commit.

It's in no way new - how old is the saying about kissing a lot of frogs before you find the "prince". I agree the fairytale expectations of romantic, infatuation lasting in the early intensity forever are completely unrealistic, but generally both parties are showing their absolute best side in the first year, and if anything isn't close to perfect then it's absolutely the time to dump, dump, dump!

The first year together should be a wonderful honeymoon phase. The first three or four years are still mostly about being head over heels. The hard work shouldn't begin until later. If it's no fun and full of conflict and you don't make each other happy in the first few years it's the wrong relationship. Obviously in this phase couples need to find out whether they're suited to being life partners, whether they have broadly similar views/ hopes for family life and whether they communicate well. If not it's still appropriate to part ways.

After a year or two, yes, communication should be really well established and compromise possible etc. but ideally no children in the mix until you've lived together a few years and ensured that works well, so it's still possible to part ways pretty easily if necessary.

All that's a million times harder if there are already children in the mix, but could work as long as there's no moving in together too early.

Really though it's a must to be fussy in the first year and be alert for red flags. It's great young people are not promoting being so desperate to be in a relationship they'll put up with something substandard that doesn't make them happy. Relationships need work but that's once they really are relationships, at least a year or two in.

The far less hopeful trend is the tendancy to call a new boyfriend or girlfriend a "partner" a few months in. That's not a partner, it's a brand new early stage relationship and needs to be treated as such.

I don’t know a single adult from a broken/blended family who doesn’t have trauma from it.

I was refuting your point that most people here saying blended families aren't great are bitter first wives. It's not what's happening here at all, the vast majority seem to be the children who are telling you their view, but you don't want to hear it.

It wouldn't be for me. I'm quite old-fashioned that way, despite being a divorced single mum
I just don't want my girls to one day tell me that I didn't put them first. There would be too many compromises to be made, and not of their choosing.

She said most.

And it’s true, why do you think this thread has gone the way it has and why do you think MN (ie an anonymous forum) tells such a different story to the public ‘ideal’?

Yes blended families can be good but the vast majority are not what the children would choose. I mean come on, would you? Would you choose to live with another adult in your home who you don’t have that close family relationship with? Nobody would expect it of an adult. But more vulnerable children are expected to get used to it. I would think for the majority, even if they like their parents partner, they feel exposed, vulnerable and uncomfortable having an unrelated adult always in their home.

People can stay single you know, or keep their relationships separate from their children until they've grown up! It's not simply a choice of biological parents together in a bad relationship vs bringing some random person in.