To think MN is horrible about blended families?

That still doesn't mean the child/ren like the new adult

Or each other!

That's crap. Some people end up getting nothing because it goes to step mom 1 side and step dad the other (not saying your situation isn't bad, just saying another example)

Because they'd have to admit that they've put their own desires ahead of what's best for their children, perhaps?

We've just had this. Shared equally between bio and step. Underneath I'm seething, on the surface I'm 'ok' with it.

How dare my steps even put me in this situation? Selfish, selfish, selfish

The number of blended families that truly work well for everyone is infinitesimally small ime, and it’s very nearly always the DC who lose out.

unpopular opinion but I think trying to blend families as if everyone will be better off is generally pretty selfish and/or inexcusably naive on the part of the adults involved.

I recognise the name - she's a stepmother. I assume she can see her husband's daughter is unhappy because she's really defensive about how great their family arrangements are and I don't think it's strangers on Mumsnet she's trying to convince.

Of course the fact that far fewer people are choosing to get married is the reason for a falling divorce rate. Statistically unmarried relationships are more likely to fail.

Neither do I

YAnBU OP

❤️❤️❤️

Love this. 🫶

Yes a shared child tends to either be ignored by a Disney dad or they become the golden messiah who can do no wrong and has united the whole amazing family.

People don’t seem to be able to be in relationships that involve children without adding at least one new one.

I think the number of children is key to be honest. Not saying there's never problems, but I think they're less likely if one of the partners has none or perhaps each parent has one each. There's just fewer people's needs to take into account than if each parent has 2-3 kids of their own. Even worse if they then have more kids on top!

Don't start that topic. A blended family inheritance wise always distributes the money unequally , also always leaving the bio kids out when should be the opposite.

And do we step into the whole. Pervy step dads/step brothers. With uncomfortable teenage girls going though puberty.

It’s not all men but it’s a lot.

Especially the ones who pass comment that don’t you just look so much like a younger version of your mum… while a look lingers…

This is a really valid point.

The hyperbole of 'vitriolic reactions', sob stories or hatred for step mums comes across as a way of shutting down important lived experiences of many former step children. Toxic positivity as one poster put it.

There are many adults who cannot fathom that their children may be living a very different experience of a blended family than they are.

Its a difficult and uncomfortable truth to comprehend that children may be masking their feelings to please their parent and may be feeling really unhappy underneath.

I understand why people who have chosen step families for their children feel defensive. What I don’t understand is why they’re so unprepared to listen to so many adults who’ve been through it. We are not saying all step families are terrible and awful. You do need to be open or how on earth will your children ever approach you? What if your child has a problem with your set up? Jumping up and down saying how much better it is to live with 2 adults won’t help them.

In a biological family if there are problems you don’t get one adult trying to demand that so and so should spend more time with mum/dad less time there.

You don’t get well Im having a baby so step cannot visit for their time. My child’s sick so step cannot come. Steps sick so cannot come. No you’re not invited on this family holiday it’s just us who live here full time.

No that’s Jason’s granny you cannot go with her, no sorry your dad doesn’t care but johns going to his dads your staying here. I know you don’t want to spend Christmas there but it’s that parents turn. I know you don’t like step sibling but it’s your job to show them around school and help them settle in.

You just involve them because they don’t have (insert family member their side). I know jenny got a car but her dad purchased that you won’t be getting one.

No I’m not spending my money on them they are not my child. Thats your job.

how dare you punish my child for not doing chores. They don’t have to do them.

No I cannot stop them doing XYZ they might stop coming so yes you have these rules because you live here full time they don’t.

Im sure I’ve missed loads.

Some people have talked about trauma and distress, not “tales of woe”. Let me guess, you were either one of the lucky few who had a lovely step family set up or you have a step family and you’re on the defensive.

Why is one parent 24/7 without support? If there are 2 parents, the child should be supported by both. We know often the man disappears and doesn’t do his fair share but in the OP’s case, her children see both parents and have 2 step families.

Blended families are horrible on the whole. I only know one IRL where everybody is happy…and they blended after the children were adults.

Everyone else ranges from totally fucked up to ambivalence with periods of mild hatred.

Biological families have their flaws of course, but the blended family is a story written by an adult who wants that outcome. And a lot of the time that person cannot admit that the outcome of living with their partner is the greater thing. Does that risk injecting a certain amount of distance between child and parent? Yes. It’s the outcome that is wanted. The majority of posts here from step children suggest that they knew that. The breathless posts of amazing or fantastic blended families show the narrative must never stop being told either.

Indeed people make out like you can’t be in a relationship unless you share a bed every night.

I think biological families can be just as damaging and toxic as blended families.
No, you don't have to live with your partner but it's really not as simple as that.

You live with someone; decide to have children, ex partner (whether or male or female) cheats, turns out not to be the person you thought they were and frankly are terrible as a parent so you split! Parent with child(ren) moves on, meets someone but are not allowed to live with them because of the children.

I think you can move on and have a live-in relationship as long as the children's needs are considered and it's talked about

I met my husband 20 years ago, he had two children who were quite young - mother cheated and the relationship broke down. Mother remarried 2 years later and I met DH about 3 or 4 years after that. We were ready to move in together a few years after we met but after speaking with his children we held off for a while as they weren't ready. When they were, I moved in.
We have a DS between us and all 3 have a fantastic relationship, as do I with his two children. We talk daily ( have both grown up and moved onwards and upwards after uni), they ring to tell me stuff they don't want to talk to their dad about and just general day to day stuff. They have a great relationship with their mum, and I get on well with her too.

I've never experienced such vitriolic reactions to blended families as on MN.

OF COURSE a child is better off in a 2 adult home with all the financial and practical benefits that brings, in normal circumstances where the step-parent has a good relationship with the child, than with one parent struggling to makes ends meet and at the end of their tether from the burnout of 24/7 parenting without support.

I know lots of adults who maintain a good relationship with their step-parents and step/half-siblings and aren't full of tales of woe.

You don’t have to live with your partner. It’s honestly as simple as that.