To think MN is horrible about blended families?

I get it. Well at least you are being fair, it's not your fault or your responsibility what others do.

Try to encourage the kids not to feel resentful, if will only eat away at them and do no good whatsoever. They may go on to have happy successful lives regardless of what they missed out on financially. Hopefully their children will be secure.

What a tangled web we humans weave sometimes.

Have a google, I did. MRA stuff.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I have friends in their 30s and 40s who recount the day their Dad walked out with such clarity and the words that were said when they were tiny children. One friend said she was sat on a climbing frame in the garden aged about six and said to her brother who was about 4 ‘Daddy’s just gone. He’s left us now. He asked her ‘will we be ok?’ She said ‘I dunno’. She’s told me this story many times, when she’s pissed on nights out, when we’ve had a long shift at work. It’s still bothering her now. Her Dad is still with the woman he left her Mum for, and her Mum never met anyone else and still lives in the same house, my friend says her kids play on the same climbing frame now and it turns her stomach to look at it. She’s not completely screwed up, but her parents divorce is as raw today as it was 40 years ago.

Another friend said he saw something his Dad had written on the kitchen calendar on 14th June 1984 it said ‘Jenny told Steve she didn’t love him anymore’ and that’s when he realised his parents were splitting up. He said from that moment on his entire life tipped upside down. Mum left, new bloke, Dad stayed, married again to get someone in to help care for the kids or wanted to get remarried before the wife did to prove a point. He’s convinced his Dad is still completely in love with his Mum despite more marriages, more kids.

I didn’t know these people as kids, they’re still talking about these events 40 years later. I don’t think ‘kids adapt’ I think they shut up and get on with it, because they’re frightened to death of more change, more new partners, new step-siblings etc.

But why does not living with a partner until your child grows up equal misery? It's entirely possible to keep your love life separate from your child's life.

I think the whole "happy mum, happy kids" mantra has done a lot of damage, to be honest. The uncomfortable truth is that even if the mym is happier living with a partner, their child would usually be happier not to have an unrelated man in their house. No down time, no walking around your own house in your pyjamas... no one would blame a grown woman for feeling uncomfortable about that scenario, so why blame children?

Over on Gransnet, there are women whose children cut them off once they grew up, because they resented the way their mother prioritised her new relationship(s) over them. These women are generally bewildered and insist that their son or daughter seemed perfectly happy at the time.

What does 'golden uterus' even mean? Jesus this thread is awful.

I really doubt that's going to be a concern of any of the mothers who've read the step-parenting threads on here! Most of the stepmothers on MN seem to resent their stepchild for breathing. They honestly seem to think their partner is doing his ex a favour by providing for, or even "babysitting", his own children.

Also, "golden uterus" is a creepy, misogynistic term.

And what are you basing your opinion on? 😂

It seems more like golden uteruses on here being terrified that their child might actually bond with a stepmum that is the biggest insecurity on this thread.

Gosh, you spent time with the children who were forced to live with you? And even MONEY sometimes? And all for their benefit because you and their father got nothing out of it. And some people say there are no modern day saints.

Equally children don't benefit from their parents being miserable. Parents are people too!

I think mn is just critical of everything. Especially rich people, grammar schools, pushy parents, transgender kids, men, mils, stay at home mums, working mums, nurseries, schools... etc well you get the picture.

But equally most people post about problems which results in critical opinions and other people raising similar trauma.

Yes, really selfish to give my time and money to children with whom I share no DNA and love regardless. Incredibly selfish to bequeath half my son’s inheritance to them. So, so selfish to have supported them in numerous ways for 26 years. I suppose it is in a way as my life would have been poorer without their love.

Of course they’re allowed to. As adults we’re free to have whatever relationships we want and live with who we choose to. Being allowed has no impact on how it can cause a child to feel.

Children generally just want to live with the family they’ve known all their lives because that’s what feels safe and comfortable to them. The suggestion that the original family can’t have been any better to live with than a step family makes no sense. Children that have always lived with a single parent will be happy with that and when the other parent is still involved, there’s no benefit to them to have a step parent. Children that are old enough to have registered living in an unhappy home and then gone through the separation would, in most cases, be better of living with a single parent for the rest of their childhood.

They'll say any old shit to avoid admitting their selfishness.

Nonsensical. Our opinions are formed by factors including bias, and those biases don't change when we're talking to someone we know or posting on an anonymous forum. What DOES change is how honest we are.

I mean I hardly feel like people need to lie about having a shitty childhood annon let’s face it.

I get making up being a millionaire but hating a step family life sounds far too boring.

Keep telling yourself that! Makes life easier for you!

Exactly. Our kids (one mine, three his) will inherit equally. Mine will get half his dad and stepmum’s estate too, the other three will inherit fuck all from their mum.

I should clarify. Inheritance from MY SIDE is being shared equally.

I assume you are joking or being ironic, gonnabetrouble.

Receiving equally sounds good to me. At least they won't fall out or be resentful of each other.

No. It won't be shared equally when it comes from the other side.

So yes, resentment aplenty.

On anonymous forums people can be honest biased

It's genuinely heartening to see the tide turning and more and more people refusing to inflict blended families on their children.

The reason some of you are seeing it on MN and not in your life is people you know are unlikely to tell you to your face that you're being selfish. On anonymous forums people can be honest.

This is it. The constant prospect of adjustment.

in a biological family, the child has a good chance of being the centre of consideration and there will be consistency.

In a blended family, it is the child, the individual who has the least resilience to stress, the least understanding, and the least capacity to navigate a very complex social situation who constantly asked to adjust by a parent who gets total consistency. Who bears the stress? The child. The parent who makes the arrangement gets the benefits. It is most often driven by parental need.

I've done both, family with just theirs, had my own (didn't work) started again had another with kids from either side. Didn't work.
Not willing to do either again in all honesty!
Both have brought unnecessary stress to my life, I have mine now and have a lovely new partner ( no kids himself)
Will never expect him to jump in, look after them or anything.
I realise the above makes me sound scatty. I'm not, I'm the happiest I've ever been, the kids love my new partner (didn't meet for nearly a year) happy with the occasional sleep over and days out.
I'm also a big fan of now my own space and self care before any relationship which I think helps

You sound very sensible indeed where young children are concerned. There is no need to live together, two people can have a good relationship with separate properties.

Exactly. Our kids (one mine, three his) will inherit equally. Mine will get half his dad and stepmum’s estate too, the other three will inherit fuck all from their mum.

I assume you are joking or being ironic, gonnabetrouble.

Receiving equally sounds good to me. At least they won't fall out or be resentful of each other.