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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ghost or be brutally honest?

235 replies

TheBeesKnee · 18/10/2024 11:04

I'm posting on behalf of my friend who, in her own words, is too angry to think straight.

She went on a third date to a man's house to make pizza. His suggestion. When she got there he was very low effort, joggers and crocs, had the ingredients but no rolling pin (but helpfully pulled out an old flour-crusted bottle of wine as a solution - suggests he's done this before? 🤔).

The place was a bit grubby but the bathroom was filthy. There was a crusty bar of soap that looked like it hadn't been used in a while. There was no other soap/hand wash in the bathroom or kitchen.

Other highlights include a tour of the house and "this is where the magic happens" when they got to the bedroom.

She doesn't want to see him again. They are both mid 30s.

YABU - she should ghost him
YANBU - tell him she doesn't want to continue dating him because he's a dirty bitch and she doesn't want to further populate her microbiome

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/10/2024 17:31

Im surprised any “magic” happened in that midden. Must have desperate for 🍆.. I’m not judging just observing.

Original poster
TheBeesKnee · 18/10/2024 17:24

Autumn38 · 18/10/2024 16:59

Ok, so take the dating aspect out of it. Say she’d gone round to a new friend’s house and it wasn’t up to her own hygiene standards. Together with some questionable actions from the new friend, she decides she doesn’t want to pursue the friendship.

would she ghost the friend? be ‘brutally honest’? probably not. Probably just let things slide politely I’d think.

I think probably your friend is disappointed. She was hoping this would lead somewhere. It’s now clear it won’t. It isn’t the bloke’s fault. Just be tactful and move on.

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I don't think that's a fair comparison, you're not going to potentially be living with a friend!

OP posts:
MadKittenWoman · 18/10/2024 17:22

I would also be fucking angry is someone invited me to his place on only a THIRD date and couldn't be arsed to clean up or make a bit of an effort with his appearance.

However, ghosting is cruel. Just say you're not compatible and wish him well, and if he asks why, tell him the truth and block.

Pumpkincozynights · 18/10/2024 17:22

Yep cat shit.
He told me he had a few cats so I thought ‘Ooh nice,’
Not so nice seeing their shit.
He did seam clean when I met him but I suppose anyone cash wash and wear clean clothes.
I’m not a clean freak by any stretch of the imagination, but I absolutely knew I could not have a serious relationship with anyone who lived liked this. There is no way I would stay there and there is no way I was prepared to start cleaning a potential partner’s house.

InWithThePlums · 18/10/2024 17:13

Pumpkincozynights · 18/10/2024 17:11

Reminds of when I had a few dates with a bloke I met. We were getting on well, until he invited me back to his place. OMG. He did tell me he wasn’t the world’s tidiest person but bloody hell. His house stank of cat piss. He had a battered old car in the drive plus his regular car. There were fairy lights dangling about randomly. He had thrown a sheet over a corner of the room to hide lots of crap.
There was also a heap of cat shit in one corner.
Needless to say I didn’t see him again.

A heap of cat shit Shock

That’s a bit worse than wine bottle pizza!

Pumpkincozynights · 18/10/2024 17:11

Reminds of when I had a few dates with a bloke I met. We were getting on well, until he invited me back to his place. OMG. He did tell me he wasn’t the world’s tidiest person but bloody hell. His house stank of cat piss. He had a battered old car in the drive plus his regular car. There were fairy lights dangling about randomly. He had thrown a sheet over a corner of the room to hide lots of crap.
There was also a heap of cat shit in one corner.
Needless to say I didn’t see him again.

000EverybodyLovesTheSunshine000 · 18/10/2024 17:05

ShowerOfShites · 18/10/2024 11:43

Never mind the rolling pin.

I'm stuck on the fact she feels chemistry with a man who wears crocs?! 👀😂

😆

000EverybodyLovesTheSunshine000 · 18/10/2024 17:05

Just tell him she's not into taking things any further 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why be a bitch?

Maddy70 · 18/10/2024 17:02

Sorry don't think this will work as you don't own a rolling pin ....

Utterly bonkers

InWithThePlums · 18/10/2024 17:01

Justawaterformeplease · 18/10/2024 11:10

I don’t understand why she’s so angry?

Neither! I mean it doesn’t sound romantic (to say the least) but that just means he’s not for her, which is fine.

WiserOlderElf · 18/10/2024 17:00

TheBeesKnee · 18/10/2024 11:09

So, lying.

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So she did feel the chemistry?

Autumn38 · 18/10/2024 16:59

TheBeesKnee · 18/10/2024 13:36

Right just to be clear, we're not total social eejits. She has sent polite, neutral "no thank you" break up texts before. But those men have been incompatible in neutral non offensive ways (aside from the racist).

This is the first time a man's house has been actively dirty. I do think most people expect an effort in the beginning, especially when he was so clearly hoping for a shag.

I would have thought the two extreme choices would have indicated that this was venting/light hearted thread without having to spell it out.

It's a swamp out there.

Ok, so take the dating aspect out of it. Say she’d gone round to a new friend’s house and it wasn’t up to her own hygiene standards. Together with some questionable actions from the new friend, she decides she doesn’t want to pursue the friendship.

would she ghost the friend? be ‘brutally honest’? probably not. Probably just let things slide politely I’d think.

I think probably your friend is disappointed. She was hoping this would lead somewhere. It’s now clear it won’t. It isn’t the bloke’s fault. Just be tactful and move on.

largeprintagathachristie · 18/10/2024 16:51

This doesn’t seem at all like a “too angry to think straight” situation to me.

coxesorangepippin · 18/10/2024 16:48

A friend of mine invited this bloke round for 'dinner'

He had no gift and had shorts on

I mean, wtf

Imagine James Bond doing that!

coxesorangepippin · 18/10/2024 16:47

Ghost?

Or send a pizza spelling out 'ghosted'??

titticaca · 18/10/2024 16:46

I think the only "Magic" is the massive amounts of multiplying bacteria in his bedsheets that were probably last washed in the factory that they were produced. <shudder>

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/10/2024 16:26

You know, time after time after time there are "where are all the good men?" and "why are men like this?" and "why don't men take on the mental load of housework?" laments, etc. etc., here on Mumsnet and elsewhere.

The thing is, though, what have men got to lose by being slovenly, weaponised-incompetent disrespectful slackers?

The dullest, most-ill-groomed, lazy, entitled, disrespectful and immature twats still manage to get women who will wait on them, keep house, bring in the income, bear the children and put up sexually with a disgusting lack of hygiene that would gag a badger.

Why should they up their game when they can always find a woman who will stoop to their level? Every single day on here we read about horrible behaviour being tolerated.

Women need to hold men to higher standards, and walk away from these lowlife. Better to be single than to settle.

And quite frankly, most of these awful men were raised by women, in part or in whole. A good part of the blame lies there. Parents need to be a lot more strict and demanding when it comes to manneres, hygiene, housework and respect.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/10/2024 16:08

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 18/10/2024 16:00

Point proven

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You can believe whatever you want to believe.

Personally if I went to someone's house and it wasn't up to my standards of cleanliness I might not choose to go there again but I wouldn't take it as a personal insult or feel angry about it.

And if someone visited my home and felt angry and personally insulted that it wasn't up to their standards of cleanliness I would think they were off their rocker and be very glad if they decided not to come again.

nOasistickets · 18/10/2024 16:01

Just be honest, ghosting is for children surely!

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 18/10/2024 16:00

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/10/2024 15:43

My standards of cleanliness haven't prevented me from finding a life partner, unlike both the OP and this man.

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Point proven

Socktopusses · 18/10/2024 15:53

Seems like he has different hygiene standards. She should maybe chill out a bit and tell him he's not for her.

No reason why she has to be so pointedly rude/angry about it.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/10/2024 15:43

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 18/10/2024 15:20

Clearly your house is as clean as his 😂

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My standards of cleanliness haven't prevented me from finding a life partner, unlike both the OP and this man.

Dotto · 18/10/2024 15:42

I think she should examine why she didn't walk out on the spot. Could her anger be in fact at herself?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/10/2024 15:39

@TheBeesKnee
I feel that anger is a higher level of emotion than cross, if that makes sense.
or even ' pissed off ' might describe how I felt.