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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To begrudge her perfect little life

738 replies

Sistafromanothermista · 18/10/2024 00:25

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

OP posts:
Owl55 · 19/10/2024 22:44

You seem very resentful because she has a loving relationship with her husband and perhaps has a life you would like to have . Maybe you should not continue with this friendship as you are so jealous .

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 19/10/2024 22:12

I wish my life was different, OP. I wish I hadn't been injured permanently by a medication that was meant to help me after a head injury, so I didn't have to live with a neurological involuntary movement disorder... but I just got on with it, as awful, crappy, and terrifying that it was.

In spite of this, I have had 3 children, and just started a new job after years of being a SAHM. I was proactive 3 weeks ago, put my head down, updated my CV and LinkedIn profile, and within a few days, I'd been contacted by an old boss.

Life is like a box of chocolates... sorry for the ol' cliche, but we all do our best. I want to have better health, not be perimenopausal, not think about just how much pain I feel in mu body at times. But I carry on, don't worry about others too much, snd keep on keeping on. Nothing in this world is easy, but you sound like you are making life much harder than it needs to be.

Knucke down, be kind, enjoy every day, cherish your health, be grateful. You might get what you want then.

MillyMollyMandHey · 19/10/2024 21:56

Right cowbag, aren't you?

DiduAye · 19/10/2024 21:52

Envy and indeed jealousy is an ugly thing You aren't her friend

DrJackDaniels · 19/10/2024 21:43

I had a friend like you who out of the blue blocked me on everything. No fall out, no disagreement, just blocked. Turns out she was sick of me because, according to a mutual friend, ‘it’s alright for her and her perfect little life, she’s got XYZ, while I’m here struggling with life’.
It was one of the most hurtful things ever, thinking you’re good friends with someone for years, being happy for them, supporting them - while they’re seething with jealousy over you and begrudging your happiness behind your back; even though you too have been through a heap of shit you wouldn’t wish on anyone.
It’s a horrible, horrible trait.

Aurora1990 · 19/10/2024 21:22

SilverChampagne · 18/10/2024 00:30

What does she have that isn’t achievable for you, apart from her career that she’s obviously worked bloody hard for?
Is your relationship lacking by comparison?

Exactly. Thank you for saying this. She can achieve anything she wants but she is obviously lazy and doesn’t take herself or life serious. A lot of ppl just envy bcos it’s easy but working hard isn’t.

Sakuem · 19/10/2024 20:16

Lavender14 · 18/10/2024 00:32

Ah op it's just that saying comparison is the thief of joy, isn't it.

What you're seeing right now is a good period in her life. But it's not always been like that clearly and it may not always be like that.

Some people are perhaps luckier or more privileged in life, but everyone has their ups and downs and I'm sure she's had periods where she's looked at your life and envied where you've been in life. Especially if she's been in and then escaped from an abusive relationship.

None of us know what's around the corner, you could win the lottery tomorrow and something awful could happen in her life you just never know. So personally I'd be trying to focus on your own joy and success without comparing. Be happy for her that life is good for her right now but don't feel like it takes anything away from you at all. Envying her isn't going to do you any favours as you'll just be focusing on all the wrong things. If there are elements of your life that you wish you had and its within your ability to change those things, then make a plan to do that and address it head on. If its not within your ability to change then work on accepting it and focusing on the other things that bring you joy.

Noone really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Couldn't have said it better.
xxx

RichinVitaminR · 19/10/2024 20:08

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP. Jealousy isn’t a good look

Deeperthantheocean · 19/10/2024 20:04

CaneToad · 18/10/2024 00:44

Poor woman - she works hard, survived an abusive relationship and finds a happy one, reconnects with someone she thinks is a friend, only for that friend to be catty and patronising about her on Mumsnet.

She deserves better friends than you, OP.

Probing your DP for dirt on her husband on a night out, ffs - what a nasty mindset towards someone you say has a heart of gold.

I agree, desperately trying to find a reason to feel superior when there is no need to.

Deeperthantheocean · 19/10/2024 20:03

She's lovely, has always worked hard and is now loving her dream life after DV. What a great friend to have, the stunning part isn't important really, she can't help it.

No one had handed it to her on a plate, much respect to her. If you don't want to continue to be her friend that's your choice but a lavish proposal and a man who truly loves her aren't reasons to end a friendship.

Of course she's lucky, but maybe she is a deep wonderful person who met the love of her life. ❤️

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 19/10/2024 19:47

You cant help how you feel. But apart from anonymous posts on an online forum, I would never repeat any of it!

Askingforafriendtoday · 19/10/2024 19:46

Lavender14 · 18/10/2024 00:32

Ah op it's just that saying comparison is the thief of joy, isn't it.

What you're seeing right now is a good period in her life. But it's not always been like that clearly and it may not always be like that.

Some people are perhaps luckier or more privileged in life, but everyone has their ups and downs and I'm sure she's had periods where she's looked at your life and envied where you've been in life. Especially if she's been in and then escaped from an abusive relationship.

None of us know what's around the corner, you could win the lottery tomorrow and something awful could happen in her life you just never know. So personally I'd be trying to focus on your own joy and success without comparing. Be happy for her that life is good for her right now but don't feel like it takes anything away from you at all. Envying her isn't going to do you any favours as you'll just be focusing on all the wrong things. If there are elements of your life that you wish you had and its within your ability to change those things, then make a plan to do that and address it head on. If its not within your ability to change then work on accepting it and focusing on the other things that bring you joy.

Noone really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

This. Very good advice and lots of wisdom

Devillishlooloo · 19/10/2024 19:41

No one has a perfect life. You are envious of something that doesn’t exist.

Lyraloo · 19/10/2024 19:38

Sistafromanothermista · 18/10/2024 00:32

I don’t envy that i was trying to make the point of how over the top the proposal was

Show quote history

It’s clear you envy all of it! Concentrate on your own life and make things better so you can be kinder and more relaxed around her.

Havinganamechange · 19/10/2024 19:28

It’s normal to occasionally wish that life was easier or things didn’t feel so hard. It’s not normal to be so jealous and resentful of someone who has done well. Why wouldn’t you be happy for her and pleased that her life is good. Comparison is the thief of all joy, be happy with your lot and focus more on feeling happy with yourself.

zileri · 19/10/2024 19:17

So you are jealous of this friend because -

  1. She got married (as do millions of women everyday, everywhere)

  2. She had 2 children (as do billions of women everywhere)

  3. Her husband managed to not go to a strip club. WELL SOMEONE GIVE HIM A MEDAL!

  4. Something about towels folded as swans when the DH proposed. Wtf?

I swear to god this forum is going down the pan.

Mellowbear · 19/10/2024 19:10

You are seriously jealous!!!!

MustWeDoThis · 19/10/2024 19:09

Sistafromanothermista · 18/10/2024 00:25

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

You are very insecure and need to work on your self-esteem because you have none. You're angry at yourself for not having what she has and directing it at her. She is making an effort to go out with you and be a friend because she works hard. Of you want what she has - Get off your butt and do something about it.

JoBrandsCleaner · 19/10/2024 19:03

You just don’t seem like a nice person at all.

Alconleigh · 19/10/2024 19:01

So she's got married, had 2 kids (or second on way), bought a house and has a good career? That's the entirely ordinary life story of most women. Or most women I know anyway. I don't get the jealousy. It's not like she's Kamala Harris / Taylor Swift / Helen Mirren / pick your icon.

laraitopbanana · 19/10/2024 19:00

Sistafromanothermista · 18/10/2024 00:31

I think this is part of it. She’s obsessed with her husband and it’s just nauseating because he’s as obsessed with her. I can’t decide if I don’t like it or if I want it. Does that make sense?

Show quote history

Hi op,

if you are jealous then you want it...not necessarily all the time though but the feeling of. When was the last time your hubby did something real nice for you?

Otherwise, argh... just try to not be jealous. It will break the friendship if you can’t « just » be happy for her.

Good luck 🌺

Marine30 · 19/10/2024 18:59

Lavender14 · 18/10/2024 00:32

Ah op it's just that saying comparison is the thief of joy, isn't it.

What you're seeing right now is a good period in her life. But it's not always been like that clearly and it may not always be like that.

Some people are perhaps luckier or more privileged in life, but everyone has their ups and downs and I'm sure she's had periods where she's looked at your life and envied where you've been in life. Especially if she's been in and then escaped from an abusive relationship.

None of us know what's around the corner, you could win the lottery tomorrow and something awful could happen in her life you just never know. So personally I'd be trying to focus on your own joy and success without comparing. Be happy for her that life is good for her right now but don't feel like it takes anything away from you at all. Envying her isn't going to do you any favours as you'll just be focusing on all the wrong things. If there are elements of your life that you wish you had and its within your ability to change those things, then make a plan to do that and address it head on. If its not within your ability to change then work on accepting it and focusing on the other things that bring you joy.

Noone really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

You’ve summed it up brilliantly. Everyone (even those with the most blessed lives) go through good times and bad.
Perhaps she’s now in a great period - perhaps your time will come (if it hasn’t already) but don’t for god’s sake miss it by focussing on someone else OP.

Juliedcymru · 19/10/2024 18:54

Oh look, it’s understandable you feel this way, but sooner or later something bad, sad, tragic is going to happen to her or her family just as it will for you, me and all of us. Just wait and you will see. Life can flip in a heartbeat. Statistically we all will have our turn. In the meantime enjoy your life, feel glad for her, just laugh at yourself and her - shrug it off when you have these thoughts.

anon666 · 19/10/2024 18:47

Her good fortune doesn't detract from your life unless you let it.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

Everyone else doesn't have to have a miserable life just to make you happy.

I'm now paranoid that everyone thinks this of me. I did well at school, have had a good career, met a lovely man, we're super happy.

I wonder if people avoid me or hate me for being lucky. 😳 It's not all gone our way, our daughter was very ill for years. I'm now wondering if people were glad I had finally got my "comeuppance" or something. 😬

Lollipop81 · 19/10/2024 18:47

Poor woman has no taste in friends though does she. Jealousy is a vile emotion, you actually hoped her husband had cheated on her. Take a long hard look in the mirror, do the woman a favour and stop conversing with her, she can do much better than you.