To begrudge her perfect little life

@Toseland I think that's a very interesting approach. I've felt a twinge of jealousy very rarely in my life, but when I have, it is always about me and not the other person. One time I was jealous when someone very pretty but also motherly and warm moved to the neighbourhood, I've had minor jealousy about a very successful colleague who had a meteoric rise in her career when I was not. In all instances, I've given it some thought, realised they were great people, in both cases they were lovely as well as successful and attractive, and carried on with my life with those things in mind to attain for myself. Mostly I have, and neither of them have had 'easy' lives either.

I do think a twinge of jealousy is forgivable, just not to let it turn into bitterness.

Interesting because I am the polar opposite. I much prefer being in the company of this type of friend or in general company.There is nothing worse than being on the receiving end of jealousy within a friendship so the more successful & beautiful they are the more comfortable I feel.This type of person is always happy for you too when things are going well etc.

Well said. I notice you focus on the good things in her life but there is scant acknowledgement of the crappy things that have happened to her like being in an abusive relationship. Referring to her as "Miss workaholic" is also unkind- bloody good for her if she has worked hard and achieved what she has-she has made sacrifices to do that, would you have preferred it if it was just handed to her on a plate with no work involved?

Also, checking to see if her partner was flirting with others is incredibly mean spirited and you are treating her like you REALLY want her life to come crashing down around her- you are no friend.

If her success is triggering you that is 100% on you. Yes, all of us feel flashes of envy at times but it passes and we care enough about our friends to genuinely feel happy for them. You sound incredibly bitter and frankly, mean.

I am sorry you feel so clearly unhappy with your life but the only person who can change that is you. If you carry on in this vein, you will only increase your misery tenfold so I urge you to do some self reflection.

When I was younger, I occasionally used to attract this type of jealousy. I had it all, attractive, slim, clever, interesting career, devoted husband.

Now no-one is jealous of my life. They say things like 'you've had more than your share of bad luck' or 'I don't know how you keep going'.

Life can change in an instant.

I think you know, from all the critical comments, that this isn't your best self. I don't think it's that bad to be jealous a tad, as long as you don't let it spill into your friendship. Don't let it define you though, perhaps chat it through with a friend, therapist, and treasure what you have in your own relationship.

So she's been through an abusive relationship, has worked herself hard to give herself financial stability, got proposed to with towel swans and is about to have her second child (when the first is still quite young?) and you conclude from this she has an easy, 'perfect' life?! I imagine there is a whole lot more going on that you might not even be aware of - 'type a personality' as you suggest she is, can be notoriously hard on themselves.
as others have said - focus more on yourself and what you want from life and how you can make it happen - whether that is from life, work, relationship, finances etc. try also to step back about and consider why you are focusing so much on her in all of this.

Jealousy is an interesting emotion I think and you can go one of two ways:
Path A - stew, brewing resentment and feel bad and let it turn you into not a nice person OR
Path B - recognise that the things you are jealous of are the things you want in your life and do something to attain them

Agreed. Some of the words you used are awful. And were you really hoping her husband would have behaved badly? I think you might actually have been quite gleeful if he had. You really don't sound very nice op and come across jealous as fuck

Honestly, resentment and bitterness isn't good. You need to understand that everyone has ups and downs in their lives. Let her enjoy her happy life now - who knows what her future holds? Hopefully her life will continue to be good but she may well experience the most awful pain and heartbreak. Who knows.
I felt like you about a friend once. Her life was absolutely perfect - she had a wealthy, gorgeous husband, the type of house I could only dream of. In contrast, my life was falling apart. I just felt that she had everything and I had nothing. Fast forward 15 years and she's been through hell (serious medical problems with her child plus a couple of other tragedies), and my life is now pretty amazing. I don't feel smug. I just feel guilty that I ever resented her happiness, and I wish life would cut her a break.
Life is precarious. Things can be perfect one minute and tragic the next. Another friend of mine was also living the dream life (lovely house, adoring husband and beautiful kids). She died last year of breast cancer. Just focus on what you can do to improve your life and take nothing for granted. I imagine you are living a life that many people around the world could only dream of.

Yes I wonder if OP was a school bully/ Queen Bee at school, making fun of the girly swot at school, and expected the same dynamic as an adult. OP, just have a child and form a bitchy clique at the school gates if you want to go back to your mean girl school days.

Horrible things also happen to amazing people with amazing lives. Does this needs to happen for you to feel that places are reversed and she can be the one to envy your life?

The only important fact here is that she seems to be a good caring friend and that's the only thing to focus on. Life is unpredictable, what remains through the ups and downs is love and care.

Their relationship may well be a bit more lovey-dovey than yours or mine but what's it to you? That's clearly just how they run.

OP, if being around someone who is happy with the lovely life they have created triggers you then you need to look at your own life. You sound jealous - and sometimes we can all feel a bit envious of someone who appears to be having an easier or jollier time of it than us. But 'happiness' lies in contentment and gratitude for our own lot in life.

Writing down three things before bedtime that you are grateful for can be transformative.

Good wishes to you ❤️

I agree. This is not by a stretch my dream proposal! Rose petals and swan towels in hotel rooms have been done to death, it's a bit meh.

My DH proposed in a fancy restaurant down on one knee and the other tables and waiter were clapping, it was cute and perfect (helped that I was a couple glasses of wine in so didn't feel embarrassed 😂) - however others would find this naff and hate it 🤷‍♀️

I don't think you can generalise that this woman had the "perfect" proposal - we all like different things.

Also agree with posters saying she's been in abusive relationship so it's lovely that she's now found happiness. I guarantee her life was far from perfect back then.

Everyone has parts of their lives they want to change and are unhappy with, regardless of how apparently "perfect" it all looks on the surface. It's just that many don't talk about it and only share the best parts.

Would you want him to?

I mean, I don’t think my husband would tell his friends he was coming home because he missed me… but I’m also very confident that he wouldn’t be doing anything shady, and he sometimes wouldn’t drink. Even if he does, he doesn’t drink to excess, he’s rarely if ever drunk. He me never really been interested in strippers and the like; even pre me. Thats just his personality.

I can understand the envy that she seems to “have it all”, which makes it seem like it is possible; but you aren’t achieving it. I’ll be honest though; hoping that her partner was doing something sketchy so it wasn’t all as perfect as you think it is seems more cold and mean. That’s a new level. It’s not just envy, it’s actively being against her.

I think for both of your sakes; you should probably distance yourself from her.

Good for you for coming back, many would have fled.

I would suggest from your previous posts that you probably grew up around people who talked like this about others. 'Tall poppy' syndrome goes deep in many families and communities. Perhaps you have picked up subtle (or not so subtle) cues all your life that you need to stay in your place.

Talking about your friend being one person and then another is a giveaway because actually her personality traits seem very consistent, it's just that her life circumstances have improved and she's happy now.

Take this as a cue to stop allowing your life to be shaped by the boxes other people would put you in and value yourself.

she sounds lovely, i’m glad she’s so happy. focus on your own shit, i hope you get happier too :)

But then you don't envy her life at all, do you? You think her and her husband are cringe, and you wouldn't want a stupid ott proposal, and someone so obsessed with you that they will leave a night out to be with you? ( tbh both of those things would be my idea of hell, and there is no way I would feel jealous of anyone who had that) unless the issue is with your own relationship. If you want marriage and children, you need to bring it up with your own boyfriend. If he doesn't want to marry you and have kids and you do, the more constructive thing to do is raise it with your own boyfriend, not come online to slag off your perfectly nice ( by your own admission) friend.

Is she a good friend to you? Is she thoughtful, kind and fun? This is what you should be thinking about. Everyone’s life has downsides, she may just choose not to focus on them with friends.

You want it. You’re jealous and you need to sit and think about why you are. She’s not actually done anything that is impossible for anyone else to achieve. If the crux of it is her relationship then see what’s wrong with yours and either fix it or leave it. Try and see her as inspiration rather than a source of envy.

yeah, this. She doesn't need a 'friend' like you.

And you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Just concentrate on your own life; leave hers alone.

@Genevieva 👌 Great post

Your friend isn't doing anything wrong or unusual.

It seems you've decided to think she's in a minority to make yourself feel better.

Have a look at yourself and work on what's missing that makes you feel this bitter and resentful to someone you call a friend.

We've all had grass is greener moments.
We are most vulnerable to it when we have dissatisfactions of our own.
Assuming you don't actually wish to see her suffer a fall and this is about feeling lesser, than I'd use these unpleasant feelings to work on stuff you're not happy about.

I'm going to assume you're not past mid thirties yet. Because the longer you live the more you realise no one has a golden life without challenges and problems.
She's already had her difficulties, and nothing she currently has is unearned so I hope you are just feeling bad about yourself but don't begrudge her, her positives.... If that's not true you aren't a friend.

Her relationship sounds lovely, but it wouldn't make everyone happy, but it does make them happy. Some people would find it a bit suffocating, but if that's where they are at right now then isn't that lovely they have a mutually fierce passion for each other.
I'm sure her appreciation is increased by the contrast with her previous abusive bf.

Try to remember ultimately in life we are all running our own race, comparison is futile and will sour you and the friendship... you can only make the best of what you've got and that's all anyone is able to do. Try to let this go...

I despair of people sometimes.

As others have already said, put all this emotional energy into improving your own life. Hoping her husband cheats on her is rather spiteful. Look for ways to lift yourself up rather than pull others down.

How old are you @Sistafromanothermista ?

What is your life missing?

I'm guessing mid-late 20s ?

If you want a house, babies and marriage, how close are you to those?
And if not, why not?