Need a hand hold

Thank you Caerulea.
Your very kind to say that , thank you 🙏

I’m so so sorry TashaTudor.
God that is truly awful what you have been through I’m so sorry to hear you lost both your parents so close together . Wow you have so much strength I’m in awe of you I wish I could be as strong as you are .
With my eldest I’m always the one apologising but then if next time he doesn’t like something I say or do he starts name calling me again . I love him so so much but he speaks to me like his dad does and he’s got no respect for me so I havnt reached out to him because I don’t think he wants to hear from me as I havnt heard from him . I just don’t want to argue with anyone .
I like to have a bath to relax but I’m in a disabled room at hotel and it’s a wet room but maybe the place I’m going tomorrow will have a bath . Also forgot my headphones as left in hurry so I thought I’d try and distract myself tonight by starting a new thread and seeing if I can get some support

Thank you itsmylife7.
I haven't even spoken to ex since I left I blocked him , day I left he took kids to a big party and he said he’s happiest he’s ever been . I’ve blocked his mum too because she’s just at a bad . When my oncologist said they was stopping my treatment because it was causing more harm than good she said my cancer can’t be that bad for them to stop it and she didn’t want me talking about it weneva I was home so I went to all appointments on my own and had nobody to talk to . It’s been an awful year and I know lots of people go through difficult times but I just can’t take anymore . Im not strong my ex said I was weak all the time and he was right

Thank you Ruralretreating.
Im feeling absolutely petrified of going into supporter housing with nurses and doctors 24/7 but I know it’s the best thing for me right now . Being in this hotel room , isolated and feeling like i do is no good for me at all and I just need to find a little bit of strength in me to be able to fight all this

I don’t have any friends I used to have a good job and friends but my ex thought all my friends were wrong uns and slags , they really wasn’t btw most were married but I gradually lost contact with them . I have siblings but they have listened to ex’s lies and believe him. I don’t even know half of what he’s told them but they have decided to distance themselves and 2 of my siblings I havnt heard from at all but they know what I'm going through right now . I needed my mum so much other day I just needed her but she wasn’t responding to my messages and then my sister said she had gone on holiday to get away from it all . My mental health worker is trying to reassure me that this isn’t my fault and I don’t deserve any of this but maybe I do , I worry so much that maybe it was me that was the narcissist and I pushed ex to do and say what he did and find somebody else. I know he no longer found me attractive because of all my scars now and said I repulsed him but I thought once I’d gone as he asked that would be hardest part but he’s still trying to destroy me

Thank you very much itsmylife7.
I really hope I see them I’m missing them so much it hurts. I never knew a heart could actually hurt but it does . I want to text my eldest to say I love him and miss him but if he doesn’t reply or says something horrible it will just milk me even more . And me and my daughter had another argument today and I want to tell her I’m sorry but then we end up arguing again . And my youngest my baby I just want to hold him , I want to hold them all but I can’t . Ex has told everyone I’ve left my children and had a breakdown because everybody thinks he’s this perfect amazing man but he’s really not . If people would really believe I’d come out of hospital after being poorly again and can’t walk and just pack my bags and make myself homeless and not want to see my children . All of it isn’t true but I’m so tired of trying to defend myself to him . He said he was going to destroy me and yet again he was right

Thank you so much Caerulea.
I’m in tears reading that . I’ve been down to reception a few times and they know I’m not ok they have been great and they even washed my clothes for me other day . I’ve been breaking down quite alot whilst I’ve been here and I feel emotionally wiped out . My mental health team have been absolutely wonderful they fetched me a food package last week as I can’t walk properly and a care package with toiletries in and they have been seeing me every day. Because I had to get out in a hurry I didn’t bring everything I needed nor my medication so they have been collecting that for me they have just been great. I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t have that support from them this last 9 days . I knew it was going to be hard leaving but I never expected it to be this hard

Thank you .
My children are 13/17/18. My eldest who’s 18 despises me he calls me the c word all the time and tells me to ‘fuck off back to the mental hospital’.
They know I’ve got cancer and that I’m currently paralysed down my right side . My ex has told them I’m having a breakdown but my mental health nurse said I’m not I’m just very poorly and it’s not surprising with how’s he’s been treating me

Thank you TashaTudor.
I’m sorry to hear you went through a bad time but I’m pleased to hear you have turned it around , this gives me hope . I didn’t have bad mental health before but my ex gradually broke me down piece by piece and not im just a shell. What kind of person meets somebody else whilst their partner is going through cancer ?

That’s what my mental health worker said and my domestic abuse case worker but they said I need some strength to do that so they think the best thing for me right now is to go away with them for abit and get some extra help and support

Thank you ChoccieCornflake.
I havnt had the tv on yet since I’ve been here, I did bring some books and I’ve managed to read abit this week . I fell out with my sister last week too as I found out she had told my ex where I was staying and they had been texting each other which I’m really upset about. My ex had also been ringing my family and my parents I don’t know what he said but I’d recently opened up to them about the abuse and the situation and they knew he didn’t contact me or fetch my children to see me whilst I was in hospital and my parents went away on holiday because of the stress and I hardly hear from them now

Thank you very much .
I’m having 3/4 weekly checks at moment but I did cancel my appointment on Tuesday as I really didn’t feel upto it . I’m seeing a neurologist in 2 weeks about my paralysis, I can’t really get about very well at the moment . I’m glad your ex is doing very well . I’ve really had some terrible thoughts go through my head this last week more so last 3/4 days