Page 36 | Need a hand hold

Imbluedalale · 2024-10-17T22:39:29+00:00

That’s just it really. I really need a cuddle but that’s not possible so can anybody just support me right now? My mental health is on the floor right now I’ve never felt as low it’s making me feel so ill

TashaTudor · 18/10/2024 13:04

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 01:41

I’m so so sorry TashaTudor.
God that is truly awful what you have been through I’m so sorry to hear you lost both your parents so close together . Wow you have so much strength I’m in awe of you I wish I could be as strong as you are .
With my eldest I’m always the one apologising but then if next time he doesn’t like something I say or do he starts name calling me again . I love him so so much but he speaks to me like his dad does and he’s got no respect for me so I havnt reached out to him because I don’t think he wants to hear from me as I havnt heard from him . I just don’t want to argue with anyone .
I like to have a bath to relax but I’m in a disabled room at hotel and it’s a wet room but maybe the place I’m going tomorrow will have a bath . Also forgot my headphones as left in hurry so I thought I’d try and distract myself tonight by starting a new thread and seeing if I can get some support

Show quote history

You are as strong as me because you keep going. That's all it is, keep going.
One day you will look back and see how far you've come.
2 years ago I was in a refuge with nothing but my kids. A year ago I was in a police cell with my kids in foster and now I have so much and am settled and happy. Next year I hope to start a small business. Just one day at a time, you've got this.

ChoccieCornflake · 18/10/2024 12:04

Oh mate, you are clearly such a kind and generous person! In your shoes I think I would be wishing all the ills of the world on him! You are not worthless - you have huge worth, even if you can't see it yet

Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 11:32

ChoccieCornflake · 18/10/2024 10:31

You are awesome!! You are so strong to get through all this! Your awful abusive ex tried to grind you down, and I know he really impacted your self esteem, but EVEN WITH THAT, you have got through it! You are living away from him, you are coping, you are dealing with cancer treatment, and missing your kids, and yet you are still keeping on! Massive hugs and handholds! One step at a time, and I really hope it feels good today to be in a more supported place with people looking after you. YOU DESERVE IT!!

Thank you ChoccieCornflake.
He did impact my self esteem I can’t even look in a mirror anymore as soon as I see a mirror or a reflection of myself I look down . Hopefully one day I can look at myself again . I havnt spoken to him since he kicked me out I’ve blocked him now but one of the last things he said to me was that he’s happiest he’s ever been . He’s my children’s dad and I do want him to be happy but the expense of his happiness and what he’s done has made me feel so broken , on the floor and worthless and I’ve lost everything I just hope it was worth it for him .

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Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 11:16

Todaywasbetter · 18/10/2024 10:10

You amaze me with your strength. Never give up - minute by minute you are shaming those who doubted you.

Thank you Todaywasbetter.
I honestly don’t feel strong , if you could have seen me these last 9 days and the tears I’ve cried and sometimes I’ve had to try and curl into a ball and sob because the psychical pain of my heart and tummy I couldn’t handle . I used to think the word ‘pining’ was just a stupid word because how can you pine for somebody? But you can , I’m pining for my children so much . And even though I’m pining for them I don’t want them to see me like this , I don’t want them to see me upset because I can’t control my tears at the moment and I don’t want them to see me shaking uncontrollably. I know nobody can wave a magic wand and make how I feel disappear but if can help me even just 5% it will be 5% better than how I feel right now so it’s got to be worth it

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Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 10:40

FreshLaundry · 18/10/2024 10:03

I know you’re missing your kids like crazy, but you are setting a great example for them. You’re showing them how to leave an abusive situation and how to endure when life throws a massive curveball your way. This too will pass. I hope you’ve got some nice music, podcasts and books to keep you cosy in your recovery. You can do this, even if it’s one hour at a time, at the moment 💐💐.

Thank you FreshLaundry.
Your name has made me think about one day when I can be in my own home and do my laundry so it’s all clean and fresh and have a washing machine and all nice smelling clothes and maybe even a washing line. That dream seems a long way off right now but it’s hopefully something I can look forward to .
My children don’t know I’m going into care for abit I don’t want to give my ex any more ammunition so he can tell people I’m crazy etc . My mental health team and my domestic abuse case worker said he doesn’t need to know but they said if it does go to court they will support me and say I’ve done everything asked of me and reached out for support when I needed it so that’s reassuring.
Ive got some books to take with me thank you .

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ChoccieCornflake · 18/10/2024 10:31

You are awesome!! You are so strong to get through all this! Your awful abusive ex tried to grind you down, and I know he really impacted your self esteem, but EVEN WITH THAT, you have got through it! You are living away from him, you are coping, you are dealing with cancer treatment, and missing your kids, and yet you are still keeping on! Massive hugs and handholds! One step at a time, and I really hope it feels good today to be in a more supported place with people looking after you. YOU DESERVE IT!!

Todaywasbetter · 18/10/2024 10:10

You amaze me with your strength. Never give up - minute by minute you are shaming those who doubted you.

Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 10:08

Caerulea · 18/10/2024 09:58

@Imbluedalale my dad was in hospital recently & we took his dog to see him not realising you can take them in the actual ward so he came outside to see her. The nurses were most disappointed when they realised that's why he gone out lol

I've made my walk sound very romantic, it was just thru a very rough council estate. The neighbour who set fire to his garden wasn't on the walk, neither was the terrifying dog who wanted to kill anyone who walked by his garden or the house of the man who liked to attached kitchen clocks to the outside walls 🤣 - they were on the walk to the shop lmao.

Use whatever reasoning you need to keep your chin up & deal with one issue at a time. Today is about getting into the new place.

I hope your dad is better now Caerulea.
I bet it did your dad the world of good seeing his dog , you sound like an amazing person.
I’ve had so much change recently that I just feel very unsettled but I have to do this I know I do . If it doesn’t work at least I can say I tried .

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FreshLaundry · 18/10/2024 10:03

I know you’re missing your kids like crazy, but you are setting a great example for them. You’re showing them how to leave an abusive situation and how to endure when life throws a massive curveball your way. This too will pass. I hope you’ve got some nice music, podcasts and books to keep you cosy in your recovery. You can do this, even if it’s one hour at a time, at the moment 💐💐.

Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 09:59

Ruralretreating · 18/10/2024 09:02

You have the strength. Change is hard, especially going into something/somewhere unknown. It’s natural to feel nervous. Hopefully it will get you more support to add to some of those amazing people you already have. Will be thinking of you today.

Thank you Ruralretreating.
Thank you for your kind supportive message . It truly means the world . I’m just waiting for my mental health nurse to ring me once she has done all the admin stuff . Can’t stop shaking this morning but I’m going to do it .

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Caerulea · 18/10/2024 09:58

@Imbluedalale my dad was in hospital recently & we took his dog to see him not realising you can take them in the actual ward so he came outside to see her. The nurses were most disappointed when they realised that's why he gone out lol

I've made my walk sound very romantic, it was just thru a very rough council estate. The neighbour who set fire to his garden wasn't on the walk, neither was the terrifying dog who wanted to kill anyone who walked by his garden or the house of the man who liked to attached kitchen clocks to the outside walls 🤣 - they were on the walk to the shop lmao.

Use whatever reasoning you need to keep your chin up & deal with one issue at a time. Today is about getting into the new place.

Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 09:53

ChoccieCornflake · 18/10/2024 08:48

How are you doing this morning? I hope today is the start of much better things for you!

You are clearly such a lovely person, and my word you are strong to have got this far!! I know you don't feel strong, but you would not have got this far if you weren't.

I'm sorry your relatives are being so useless. When you feel more settled, maybe you could reach out to some of your friends from before - they may well be delighted to hear from you again.

Morning ChoccieCornflake.
I hope you are ok. Thank you for your lovely support it really means so much right now .
I’m just having a little cry because I miss my children and I’m also feeling scared.
Thank you for saying I’m strong . I just think when you are told things so many times you start to believe it so when my ex called me weak , useless , a bad mum and other things it takes a long time to not believe it . I honestly don’t feel strong i feel absolutely petrified but I’m thinking of my kids and all my mental health team keep telling me I can do this and I’ve just had a call from Andrew from council and he called to wish me could luck and said I can do this which was lovely and all you strangers who are giving me support right now even though you don’t know me you are all telling me I can do this . So I’m going to try. Thank you 🙏

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Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 09:42

Caerulea · 18/10/2024 08:20

Morning @Imbluedalale , hopefully you got some sleep in. Got future reference @PrincessOfPreschool 's suggestion of imagining a place is such a good one. I used to recreate every moment from my walk to lower school in the mornings, every footstep, everything I walked past. In theory it would take me as long to think about it as it would have taken me to get there, but I was usually asleep before I arrived lol.

Actually it would have taken longer cos I'd think, in detail, about the tree I used to climb & the stream we'd catch stickleback in - like I'd render huge parts of the estate around the walk to school. My god the concentration lol, my mind wanders so badly 😂

Good luck today! This should be a huge benefit for you & I'm so glad the system is working as it's meant to cos you need and deserve this support!

Agree with pp also about your kids growing into the reality of what's happened, the penny absolutely will drop at some point. Is it worth asking your support worker if they've a therapy dog you can utilise for some squishes?

Morning Caerulea.
I managed to get a few hours thank you . I had my medication delivered earlier so I’m mostly all ready to go. Feeling very nervous . But I keep trying to tell myself I’m doing this for my children (I can’t say myself because I don’t feel like I deserve it ) I’m doing this so I can try and get better and have some strength to fight and see my children . (Bawling again )
Your walk to school sounds amazing lol 😂
Im not sure if they have a support dog but that just reminded me when I was in the hospital (it was a cancer hospital ) the patients who missed their pets well people could bring the pets to the hospital to the visiting bit and you could go down and see and hold your pet how amazing was that .

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Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 09:33

PrincessOfPreschool · 18/10/2024 02:38

Wow, you are going through so much. I didn't want to read and ignore. It must be so difficult to be away from your kids. Of course, your kids have been influenced by him but as they develop their own minds, in time, they will see the truth. For now, I would focus on just being kind and saying positive things to them. Maybe one positive thing per day, expecting no response from them and not getting drawn into arguments.

I'm so glad your need has been recognised and you are getting so much support. That's amazing, even a miracle, considering the way services are these days. Something to be grateful for - and to see that someone is looking out for you. Maybe some of the bad stuff has happened to get you away from him. Now you're away you can begin to heal. Sometimes the healing involves feeling worse for a bit, like when you come off drugs or alcohol you will feel worse for a while until it gets better. Same with a toxic relationship. He's done you harm but soon you will be free of him, stronger and more beautiful (inside and out!).

Can you lie down and think of a lovely place you've been or want to go/ seen on TV and just imagine being there. Imagine how your body feels, the smells, what you can see, how you feel. Our brains are quite easy to fool and when you think about such things, it thinks they really happened! Try it.

Morning PrincessOfPreschool.
It truly is very difficult being away from them . I am wondering what they would all be doing right now . I wish I could kiss too of their heads and tell them I love them . When I was texting my youngest yesterday I said ‘I’m sending you a big kiss and a cuddle in the sky’ and he replied ‘caught it’ so then I said ‘I’m sending you a 1000 more’ and he replied ‘caught them all again’ awww my heart when he said that . I will text my eldest 2 later and just tell them I love them and leave it at that so we don’t get it into arguments . I will try your advice tonight when I’m at the new place and can’t sleep . Thank you

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Ruralretreating · 18/10/2024 09:02

You have the strength. Change is hard, especially going into something/somewhere unknown. It’s natural to feel nervous. Hopefully it will get you more support to add to some of those amazing people you already have. Will be thinking of you today.

ChoccieCornflake · 18/10/2024 08:48

How are you doing this morning? I hope today is the start of much better things for you!

You are clearly such a lovely person, and my word you are strong to have got this far!! I know you don't feel strong, but you would not have got this far if you weren't.

I'm sorry your relatives are being so useless. When you feel more settled, maybe you could reach out to some of your friends from before - they may well be delighted to hear from you again.

Caerulea · 18/10/2024 08:20

Morning @Imbluedalale , hopefully you got some sleep in. Got future reference @PrincessOfPreschool 's suggestion of imagining a place is such a good one. I used to recreate every moment from my walk to lower school in the mornings, every footstep, everything I walked past. In theory it would take me as long to think about it as it would have taken me to get there, but I was usually asleep before I arrived lol.

Actually it would have taken longer cos I'd think, in detail, about the tree I used to climb & the stream we'd catch stickleback in - like I'd render huge parts of the estate around the walk to school. My god the concentration lol, my mind wanders so badly 😂

Good luck today! This should be a huge benefit for you & I'm so glad the system is working as it's meant to cos you need and deserve this support!

Agree with pp also about your kids growing into the reality of what's happened, the penny absolutely will drop at some point. Is it worth asking your support worker if they've a therapy dog you can utilise for some squishes?

PrincessOfPreschool · 18/10/2024 02:38

Wow, you are going through so much. I didn't want to read and ignore. It must be so difficult to be away from your kids. Of course, your kids have been influenced by him but as they develop their own minds, in time, they will see the truth. For now, I would focus on just being kind and saying positive things to them. Maybe one positive thing per day, expecting no response from them and not getting drawn into arguments.

I'm so glad your need has been recognised and you are getting so much support. That's amazing, even a miracle, considering the way services are these days. Something to be grateful for - and to see that someone is looking out for you. Maybe some of the bad stuff has happened to get you away from him. Now you're away you can begin to heal. Sometimes the healing involves feeling worse for a bit, like when you come off drugs or alcohol you will feel worse for a while until it gets better. Same with a toxic relationship. He's done you harm but soon you will be free of him, stronger and more beautiful (inside and out!).

Can you lie down and think of a lovely place you've been or want to go/ seen on TV and just imagine being there. Imagine how your body feels, the smells, what you can see, how you feel. Our brains are quite easy to fool and when you think about such things, it thinks they really happened! Try it.

Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 02:13

itsmylife7 · 18/10/2024 02:06

I've saved this post so I'll get updates from you OP.

There's always someone around on here to offer some support.

Tomorrow you'll have company and be looked after.

Just pop back here,as and when,you want 🌝

Thank you itsmylife7.
Ive re-packed my suitcase and I’m all ready to go . I’m feeling so nervous about it but then I think when I’m having a panic attack and can’t breathe properly or when I’m dry retching from feeling so upset I’m going to have somebody there and that thought helps settle the nerves .

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Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 02:09

InactionIsAWeaponOfMassDestruction · 18/10/2024 01:58

I can’t even begin to imagine the complexity of how you’re feeling, @Imbluedalale, but just wanted to add my support to all the pp’s.

It’s absolutely ok to only focus on you right now. Build your strength and accept all the support you’re offered. It may seem an unreachable goal, but you will get through this - a day or even an hour at a time is another step closer. Good luck on your journey 💐

Thank you InactionIsAWeaponOfMassDestruction.
I never knew a person could feel as bad as this but it’s the hand I’ve been dealt and I’m trying so hard to fight it . Like I said I knew leaving would be bad and in the days leading up to it I couldn’t sleep and kept getting upset but I didn’t realise how hard it would actually be . I didn’t realise i wouldn’t see my kids or that I wouldn’t have support of my family and a few times I have thought it was easier being there and putting up with what I did and listening to the things ex said to me had ex not have met somebody else but I know deep down that it was making me ill and my mental health is like it is because of him.

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itsmylife7 · 18/10/2024 02:06

I've saved this post so I'll get updates from you OP.

There's always someone around on here to offer some support.

Tomorrow you'll have company and be looked after.

Just pop back here,as and when,you want 🌝

Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 02:00

itsmylife7 · 18/10/2024 01:57

That's so lovely to hear you've got all this support.

You deserve it.

you sound like a lovely person.😊

Thank you so very much itsmylife7.
What a lovely thing to say .

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InactionIsAWeaponOfMassDestruction · 18/10/2024 01:58

I can’t even begin to imagine the complexity of how you’re feeling, @Imbluedalale, but just wanted to add my support to all the pp’s.

It’s absolutely ok to only focus on you right now. Build your strength and accept all the support you’re offered. It may seem an unreachable goal, but you will get through this - a day or even an hour at a time is another step closer. Good luck on your journey 💐

itsmylife7 · 18/10/2024 01:57

That's so lovely to hear you've got all this support.

You deserve it.

you sound like a lovely person.😊

Original poster

Imbluedalale · 18/10/2024 01:51

itsmylife7 · 18/10/2024 01:40

You not strong ?

You're proving them all wrong.

They all sound like they're missing a brain cell ....bunch of idiots.

You've done amazingly well with everything that's happened in your life.

You're much stronger than you know.

You should have faith in yourself because you sound bloody amazing.

Awww that’s so nice itsmylife7.
Thank you so much , my mental health worker and domestic abuse worker said that once I feel a little better and have a little more strength they are going to start building my confidence and self esteem back up . I do have lots of professional people helping me like my mental health team, I have an amazing cancer nurse , and a lady from creative support who’s amazing and a man called Andrew from the homeless team he has been absolutely great since I saw him last Tuesday . He’s been ringing me asking how I am even though each time we have spoken I have been roaring my eyes out he has reassured me that he’s going to do everything he can to help me and he even rang me today to say he supports me going into care for abit and he will help me as soon as I’m out and put me back in a hotel . People moan about the nhs and the councils but I have had so much support from them from strangers I’ve only just met like Andrew and they have gone above and beyond to help me

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