Need a hand hold

Good afternoon TealPoet.
How are you today?
Thank you for your lovely message last night , it was lovely to read , thank you.
My mental health nurse said yesterday I need to start to learn to accept compliments because she can see by my body language that I find it hard to. She said to me yesterday that ‘if you believe just one thing I say believe you are so so strong because you are going through so much’ (I’m crying that) and she and the other man said they know I love my children but I need to get Laura back now . I don’t know if I can tbh

Thank you Playgroundincident.
I know what you mean about if I was still there . The last few days I was it was torture , when I was discharged from hospital it was expected of me to go straight back to doing the household chores etc . It was very hard and took a long time but I got up and did it . Ex came in whilst i was sat down one day and booked a hotel room in front of me and lots of other horrible things but towards the end I put my headphones on whenever he was around so he couldn’t hurt me with his words .
I do feel safe here , a lot safer than I did in the hotel room.
My councillor said to try not to think about court or anything like that at the moment. My ex said no court in the land would let me have kids with my psychical and mental health but they keep reassuring me he’s wrong so that’s all I can go on when I get anxious about it . My mental health nurse said there’s millions of people out there and no matter how big or clever he thinks he is not everybody is going to listen to him and some people will see through him but we will see

OMG sultana better cookies are amazing ! Never tried biscuit before this good. Don’t have to get weighed . Tomorrow will be healthier for me

Thank you Ruralretreating.
I hope you have a lovely sleep too .
The eccentric nurse is on again tonight I can hear him cleaning . It’s quite very relaxing knowing he’s in close proximity and makes me feel safe. Whilst I was sat in the tv earlier the new resident from Saturday came down and I said hello and I was asking how he had been finding it and how his sleep has been . It was nice to have a little chat with somebody else who knows what you are going through with the feelings and thoughts depression comes me . I told him I ordered to many microwave meals with my order so I said if you fancy any of them he can help himself I said there’s some nice curry dishes and said he can help himself to the fresh cream slices I bought if he wanted something sweet .
Im just going have a cup of tea waiting for my meds kick in and maybe a few cheeky biscuits .Got some M&S sultana cookies so will make a cup of tea and have one but I’ll probably have 4. I wound definitely shop at ocado again they lots offered and u get 25% off your food shop listen you get to a choice of a free gift anything you from a list at the checkout . I chose a wooden baking spoon wasn’t having high hopes it about tbh and it’s then colour blue I’ve already wantes, going to have a fantasy peek at Joseph and Joseph and see what have have to tk Maxx websites to try and direct me mind.
Once I am in a home I can start to make it nice with everything will be mine and I’ll try and do one room at time a date . Going to make kids rooms first then that will hopefully settle more with all the change . I’ve told eldest he will always be welcome and stays.
Taking a dive in Joseph and Joseph now before I go sleep

Thank you ChoccieCornflake.
You’re so so kind , you sound like a lovely person.
I’m going to try and read some of my book and try and stop feeling so guilty .
I hope you have had a nice day . I’m just sat in the huge tv room but havnt got the tv on . I’m listening to the clock ticking and looking outside the window at all the big trees and yellow leaves everywhere. It’s quite relaxing.

Thank you Ruralretreating.
You are so very kind to pick me up when I’m struggling even though you are unwell yourself.
Ive just had my mental health nurse come and visit me with the home treatment team . She has been my case worker for over a year and she knows everything. We’ve had a good talk and I’ve had a good cry. She keeps telling me that I need to focus on me right now but I’m finding that so hard . I’ve been reading abit but I find myself stopping reading at certain times and thinking I shouldn’t be reading I should be thinking of my children . I eat something nice and think x,y or z would like this and it makes me feel guilty I shouldn’t be eating nice things . I’m struggling to focus on anything at the moment other than thoughts of my children.

Update on housing I didn’t get the houses I bid for but out of over 100+ applicants I came 2nd and 3rd for preference. Also this crisis house I’m at only is for max 7 days but they have agreed I can stay until after next weekend as it’s the races this weekend and they will struggle to find a hotel for Fri/sat/sun . How nice is that. I’m going to be forever grateful to the NHS for all what they are doing for me

Thank you TealPoet.
Really really need a cuddle today . I am very tired but I can’t seem to switch off I’ve been trying to do a routine and get all ready for bed , lights off and phone away but I just toss and turn.
It’s been 2 weeks tomorrow since I’ve seen my children and it’s been the worst 2 weeks of my life.
I knew ex was going to be difficult but I never ever imagined he would keep my children from me.
Everyone says I need to get strong and be fighting fit in case he takes me to court but I don’t think I’ve got or ever have any fight in me again . My eldest hates me anyway and I walk on eggshells with him so I don’t upset him and so that he doesn’t go into his verbal tirade of how much he hates me and all other things he says . My daughter thinks life’s great now as she’s got her own bedroom and ex throws money at her whenever she needs it and I’m just worrying that youngest will start to hate me too. I used to be somebody before I got with ex , I had a good job , a house , a car now I’ve got nothing. Main reason for carrying on was my children and I’m losing them too

Awww hope you feel better soon Ruralretreating.
Hope you manage to get lots of rest!
I feel terrible today tbh , didn’t sleep a wink last night and I’m really struggling with my thoughts and obviously I miss my children like crazy.
Im trying to hold the tears in I don’t know why but what I keep thinking about today is when my children were younger and in primary school and I always seemed to be rushing with work , looking after children and a home but now when I look back I feel guilty because there was a park next to the school and my children wanted to go every day after school and sometimes I said no because I had to do something else but now I wish I had taken them more and appreciated what I had more with them instead of rushing through everything . I didn’t realise then that one day I’d be living without them

That’s reassuring Apolloneuro.
Thank you . I’ll leave it a few days and text my eldest again .

Awwww sorry that hear that Ruralretreating.
I hope you managed to get everything sorted out .
Ok so the eccentric nurse is actually lovely . I was going back to my room and there’s this huge staircase and this man starts gliding towards me he’s got a huge mop of red hair and he had a sweeping brush and spade thing in his house and he just keeping stopping and going sweeping up and dating the walls . I can hear him now humming and I can hear the sweep sweep of the brush apparently he does it for hours . It’s quite relaxing actually .
I hope you manage to get a good sleep and I will keep you updated on the nurse bless him

Thank you Apolloneuro.
I did choose to ignore it and if he knew where I was now he would probably laugh again . Hopefully can try and mend our relationship once I’ve hopefully got sorted and got a home x

Thank you very much TealPoet.
The wind is howling here tonight theres trees outside and the branches keep touching the window .
If my eldest doesn’t want a relationship anymore it’s something that I will have to come to terms with he’s nearly 19, but I’m not going to allow him to call me names or push me again when he doesn’t get his own way. It would hurt me but hopefully one day he will see that I love him and we can try and fixing our relationship. My daughter I think thinks all this is great for her at the moment , she’s gets the big bedroom and ex throws money at her if he needs any cleaning doing etc . But hopefully when I get a house things will be different and I’ll be able to se me them. And if ex won’t let me it will have to go to court.
Yes I get the overwhelming part but your doing it and you seem to be smashing it so keep doing what your doing .
Hope you have a lovely night x

Sounds like you’ve had a lovely evening watching your favourite tv ChoccieCornflake.
I’ve just made a cup of tea and going to read some more before I go to sleep 😴