Need a hand hold

Thank you TealPoet.
I think you’re quite amazing too! I need some of your courage and strength and wisdom .
It’s always a nice feeling when you can get tasks done isn’t it . When I clean I like to do a ‘to do’ list and a ‘wish list’ of what I wanted to do but had to push myself like cleaning kitchen cupboards or windows and I tried to do one wish list item at least once a week .
I havnt asked about colouring books but I will try and venture out to the craft room tomorrow , I definitely need to get out this room for abit.
I’ll see if I can make my children a card and post it to them and just say ‘I love you and miss you’.
That is so sweet and thoughtful making cards for your friends! I wish I had a friend like you I really do xx

Thank you so much Munchyseeds2.
That truly means more than you’ll ever know .
My jacket potato was lovely.
Im keeping everything crossed to get a house soon too but if I’m not successful this week all it means is that somebody needed it more than me and that’s ok xx

Thank you so much Ruralretreating.
Your so lovely !
I know people have said to me ‘who cares what people think’ but I care , too much.
There’s people out there right now that think I’ve left my children , had a breakdown and that I’m a bad mum and abuser and that really really hurts . I could imagine what they’d think if they knew where I was right now !
Tonight I’m going to make a list of all the lovely things you have all said and keep it in my notes . I think I’ll find it hard to read but I will try to read each day. Thank you xx

Yes it has been a better day today thank you. Yesterday I honestly didn’t know how I’d get through the day.
I managed to read quite abit of my book today Aswell but I’m itching to do something boring like hoover or make a Sunday roast , you don’t realise what things you miss when you are unable to do them .
Im having cheese on my jacket potato with abit of salt and pepper .
I remember I once went on a carb free diet when I was younger its was the hardest diet ever . I remember you could eat cheese though on this diet and I once got a block of cheese , opened it and just munched on it like a rat! lol 😂 xx

Hi TealPoet.
Are you ok? How’s your day been?
My evening is going ok ish thank you . Just waiting for my jacket potato to come out the oven .
I had a nice text conversation with my daughter on text and then she rang me which was lovely. She works at a posh Chinese restaurant and she was telling me that other day somebody tipped her £250! Obviously it’s shared between all the staff but she was chuffed and her boss is very pleased with her as she’s only been there about a month and he said she’s smashing .
I’ve been reassured by my councillor tonight that I am strong and I’m accepting all the help given to me so that’s reassuring.
I like to colour in lol 😂 I like adult colouring books . I did try doing that crystal art last year but it was too messy for me .
I could make my children something but they will probably think ‘what’s this’ lol . I’m going to send them all £20 each for next week to enjoy an activity with . My youngest wants to go swimming with his friends so that will pay for that.
I’ve bid for 3 more houses this week , you can bid for 3 per week so fingers crossed 🤞 xx

Glad you’ve had a good day ChoccieCornflake.
You should definitely have more food! I bet you look lovely just as you are!
Your right re my sister I do feel tremendous guilt for falling out with her but I’m definitely not ready to forgive or trust her again just yet but I do hope in the future we can reconcile.
Ive just had a good talk (and cry) with the councillor as she was very lovely and supportive. I’m glad I had a talk with her and got some of the stuff spinning round in my head out even though it’s not nice stuff to talk about .
I don’t feel like a person at the moment but if I ever do again I hope I’m less sensitive.
Got my jacket potato in oven nearly ready so going to have have that and then make myself have a shower xx

Obs I spoke to my daughter but I mean in person and I need to get things off my chest xx

Hi Munchyseeds2.
I hope you’ve had a nice day ?
Compared to yesterday I would say today I’m ok. Still feel sad, heartbroken and missing my children more and more each day but I’ve only broke down a few times today so that’s progress.
I had a nice conversation with my daughter via texts earlier and I normally give her a college allowance but I havnt whilst I’ve been homeless but I ordered 3 cardigans she had seen on asos and some make up for her today and she rang me at tea time before she went to work and we had a little talk. So I feel better about that . I’ve backed off giving her grief and it’s working so thank you to all that gave me advice .
I was meant to be leaving tomorrow as it’s only a max 7 day crisis house but they don’t think I’m ready and also it’s the races this weekend so no hotels available so they have agreed I can stay until Monday. I’m absolutely dreading it tbh .
I sat outside in the garden for abit earlier , made me feel abit calm looking at all the yellow leaves on the floor and the trees . I havnt had anything to eat yet today so I’ve made myself put a jacket potato in the oven and I’ve asked the councillor if we can have a chat because I havnt spoke to anybody all day and it does me no good xx

Thank you ChoccieCornflake.
Hows your day going?
My sister says she was trying to help me because I rang her first night I was in the hotel as was having the worst panic attack I’ve ever had but I don’t understand why she told my ex where I was nor what I said to her in the phone whilst I was having panic attack. I asked her to see the messages and I couldn’t believe what she wrote after I’d only recently confided in her about what has been going on and what he’s been doing to me but I feel like I should apologise for getting mad at her .
I do love reading which I have been doing and I like listening to music but every song I listen to upsets me at moment plus I left my headphones there. I also like doing crafty things there is a craft room here but I’m not ready for that yet i only venture out my room to go kitchen or toilet .
It’s half term next week for my 2 youngest so I’m thinking about that today . God I wish I could spend a week with them . Xx

Urgh colds are the worst! I hate having a cold.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
Thank you for believing in me that truly means a lot.

I’ve always been told even from childhood that I’m an emotional sensitive person and it truly shows right now! It hurts me when my family are telling me I’m not being strong with the cancer and the mental health . I remember when I was in hospital with my paralysis my dad got frustrated with me because I couldn’t move my arm and said I need to find the strength and fight . My sister said he was just trying to help me but it upset me immensely.
Our relationship has been non existent since then. But then I think suck it up stop being so sensitive. Because my mum and dad did help me whilst I was in hospital but since that day our relationship has been very strained .
I haven’t wrote a list of all the kind lovely things you have all said but they are in my head although my brain is mostly consumed of bad things there is a little box full to the brim of everybody’s positive lovely words and I also do go back when I’m feeling at my absolute lowest and re-read everyone’s posts. So thank you 🙏 xx

Thank you TealPoet.
I don’t think I’ve ever had anybody be impressed by me before . It’s a nice feeling thank you 🙏
When I met my ex I fell in love with him quite quickly although he didn’t feel the same and treated me appallingly whilst I was pregnant with eldest and after but I still loved him. I used to fantasise about us being a family but he was having fun with lots of women . When he decided he wanted me too I accepted straight away so you can probably say I let myself be treated like a doormat . There was a few good times don’t get me wrong but the life I imagined wasn’t the life we had . And that’s one thing that makes me angry regarding my eldest because he didn’t care about him when he was born , denied paternity and wasn’t there but my eldest worships him . I’m not mad at my eldest for that I’m just mad at that situation.
The thoughts are truly horrid , my mind feels like it’s going 100 miles an hour and switches from one thing to the other.
I feel like I can’t win with my parents I tell them how I feel and they say I’m not being strong , tell my mum I need support and she tells me to ring my support worker or that ill be ok but if I don’t tell them how I feel everybody says I’m pushing everyone away that’s trying to help . I can’t win !
Oh and regarding the Jaffa cakes I normally do half moon (eat in 2 bites) but last night I was a slobby pig and did full moon 🌝 xx

Hi TealPoet.
How are you feeling today? Hope you are able to get comfortable today .
Still no sleep , managed a few hours but really starting to feel it now . Feel shattered, sick, anxious sad worried and everything else that’s not nice to feel but I’m trying to pull through.
It’s hard with mental health isn’t it because you don’t look sick (I do right now) and you can still smile at people but inside your not ok. Inside I’m screaming and ripping doors off kitchen cupboards and having a major breakdown but on the outside you wouldn’t see that . Inside I’m having all the imaginary conversations and saying what I truly feel and the hurt I feel but I would never tell those people that in real life because I wouldn’t get the responses I want .
One thing I am feeling more than anything else is guilt . I feel so guilty . For my children especially but also other people I feel guilty for making my mum feel stressed and poorly , I feel guilty for falling out with my sister because she was texting ex behind my back and telling him where I was and what I was saying and I feel guilty for feeling like I do because it makes everyone else’s life harder and I don’t want that xx

Hi Munchyseeds2.
Are you ok?
I had another terrible night I managed to get a few hours after about 4am but feel rotten today and I feel shattered.
Today I have been able to increase my antidepressants so fingers crossed they start working soon .
I hope you have a lovely day at work xx