To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

Ahhh this is a hard one because you are both right

He doesn't want to come home to toys everywhere and you don't want your child not to play

Can you compromise. Just have a quick 19 mintire tidy before he comes home and set out an activity for your child for when he comes in? Perhaps an activity they could do together ? Or an activity you and your child could do together just so he walks into a bit of peace.

Then after that he may adjust his attitude and if your child starts making a mess after he's home then as PP suggest you need some sort of system. Like out away a toy before getting another one? Pencils in certain place like a desk area, Lego's in a box with one of those mats attached so she can do the legos on the mat then you just roll up the mat with the Lego on and goes straight back into the box .

I use mugs for the pencils easy to see what needs sharpening. A log basket for all the crafting stuff and a wooden antique chest for the rest. The Lego goes in a small ottoman.

As a grandparent I've picked up a few tricks along the way.

We have a tidy up too. Which they do at nursery and school.

Along with paying someone do the cleaning 🙄. FFS, this is one child and unless they live in Buckingham Palace or the child is feral, it should be perfectly possible to raise the child well and happily in a clean and tidy home - where said child learns to respect her things and her parents home and boundaries.

He does pay, they have a cleaner! Op still can't put the toys away, she admits herself there's sometimes a particularly large pile....would you really be happy in this situation if you were the husband?

But her husband is not her employer doing a performance review, no one gets to define what her job as a SAHM is. If she is happy with the toys being out, then so be it. If he is not happy, then he can tidy or learn to live with it. Or he can pay someone to do it.

And the "he's paying for it" is definitely coming straight from the 50s'...

Our children always had to put a toy away before getting another one out. We always had tidy up time before bathtime. After bathtime was quiet time. Mine didn't sleep much and stayed up until 9 or later but had to play quietly in the sitting room because I was shattered. Looking at books, toddler puzzles, etc.

It's all so long ago but sometimes we went to friends where all the toys were out and it seemed a chaotic muddle and I could not have lived like that.

I am tidy rather than pernickety. DH is pernickety and v v tidy. He would have been discombobulated walking into a toy strewn house. He'd never have been nasty to the children though.

We’ve used a ‘choose it, use it then tidy it up’ approach with DD since she was about 2, so she would get her colouring pens out and play with those, but then they wouldn’t remain scattered everywhere when she moved onto the next thing. I rotated some empty baskets when she was little, so she could pile things into the basket if needed and they could be sorted out later. In the end it’s all work of some kind isn’t it, childcare, external work, commuting, household chores - don’t make more of it for yourselves

Men really can't win with some people on here, can they?
Her husband works full-time, comes home at 7pm and is greeted by piles of toys which he then has to out away, whilst op has been at home all day, with a 2 year old???
Maybe it's always been his dream to come home to a tidy house, seeing as he's paying for it. Especially as they have a cleaner too!!
No wonder he's fed up, most people would.
Nobody is saying that children don't make a mess or that we're going back to the 50s or any of that crap, but what's the problem in at least tidying up as you go along and teaching your dd to help a little too, or is that not in your job description of being a SAHM, op?

Devastated??? Oh, come on !!!

I have two children, they are 17 and 13 now but I simply don't recognise this hellscape that being at home with children is supposed to be. I've done it all, worked full time, been a stay at home parent, worked part time etc. The time I was a SAHM was great and relatively easy because I managed my children's behaviour and didn't let them run riot. We spent lots of time outside, if we were inside there were boundaries in terms of how they treated their things and our home, we all sat down for a nice evening meal, cleaning and cooking was done as I went along throughout the day. I most certainly did not play with them all day, how tedious for me and how overbearing for them. There was the odd bad day for sure but mostly it was fine, a pleasure even. There is no comparison between being in charge of your own home and your own children to being in a job where you have to suck up infinite amounts of crap and performance reviews and all kinds of nonsense. I know, I have a job like that now. The OP's husband sounds a grump for sure but I suspect he is at least partly over-correctjng for the OP's overly permissive parenting. They both need to meet in the middle because in my view, neither of their approaches is serving their daughter well.

Completely on your side, but I was wondering if there are little things you can do to contain the mess, e.g. a tuf tray for toys, a plastic tray to tip pencils into, one of those rugs that turns into a bag that you can tip Lego into that you can bag up immediately. Just start to teach her that it makes it easier to tidy up. And kind of making designated areas of play so your husband feels it's more under control. And it's obviously fine if things also go everywhere.

At the same time he needs to learn that kids need to play, and young kids don't have impulse control and will tip and make a mess. And that he needs to manage his feelings without putting down you or your daughter.

"Devastated" is a real overreaction for this situation. I was expecting a thread about death or divorce, not a bit of an argument over tidying the house! Stop over-dramatising your position; put it into perspective and follow some of the advice here to reach a compromise.

This

@anonymousi I don't think you are unreasonable with the toys. It's worth having a discussion with your husband about his passive aggressive comments: your standards are that it's ok to have a few toys around at that time of the day. Period.
Others on this forum might disagree and want everything away at 5pm, but you're entitled to do things your way in your own home.

Your husband is also entitled to a tidy home of that's what he wants, but since he is not contributing to anything else after he come home from work then he will indeed have to do it himself.

However where I disagree with you is that it seems you don't allow him to do anything else related to your child, because he doesn't do it your way. She is going to grow up with both parents, he is also entitled to teach her his values and standards, and she will learn from it.

You don’t need to justify being a SAHM and he should be funding you to some degree because being a SAHP is still a valid contribution to the family. Anyway - to your main point - it’s just a pile of toys. It can be cleaned up after kids in bed! I think at 2 they are capable of starting to tidy up their own toys. Just before dinner I put on Mambo no5 on the Sonos and my 2.5 year old stands on a line of tiles in the kitchen like a race starting line and then does a tidy up race 😂 basically involves shrieking and throwing all his toys back in their boxes before end of the song!! Works quite well if anyone wants my hot life tip. Ha ha!!!

I'm with you OP! It's like having a backseat driver constantly saying, 'right, I really think we should park now, come on, hand break up!' when you're on the motorway!

My H can be like this too. In some ways I feel like he drives them towards more screen time because of the fuss he creates about any mess from playing.

I think it's very easy to be a dick about mess when you're only seeing a snapshot of the day.

I'm with your DH . Tidy up , put things away as she finishes playing with them . She doesn't need to be surrounded by toys . If she's playing Lego dolls are put away . Make a point before you start tea she puts her toys away , picks one activity to do while you cook .

I can't believe the number of people on this thread who are 'telling off' the OP for not doing a better job of having a tidy house.

The child is TWO. There are toys around. So Fucking What!!

Crikey - the 2 year old is playing/colouring still whilst her Mum makes dinner. Big deal. Maybe when Dad gets home he could just help a bit?? It wouldn't kill him to be a grown up and not complain about stupid shit.

If you want a perfect show house that's always tidy - top tip - don't have kids or pets. (Especially a black dog with longish fur)

YANBU

We have a two year old, we don’t allow toy chaos and we expect her to tidy her toys away when shes done. If I’m cooking she has to pick some sensible things she can bring into the kitchen without making a huge mess/chucking them everywhere so I could trip on them etc. Once she has chosen what to bring into the kitchen everything else is put back in boxes, not left strewn on the floor of the living room. It also means we tidy toys three times a day, so the living room is never an absolutely disaster with every toy box empty.

The whole point of a bedtime story is some calm reading and bonding time, theres no point even attempting it if shes allowed to be tipping pots of pencils about etc, and at two I wouldn’t want that sort of thing to be accessible in our daughters bedroom without adult supervision. We only have toys in there she can’t harm herself with while alone.

As for bath time, its fine to manage the amount of splashing, so she is no longer allowed to jump and ‘bomb’ herself back into the water, otherwise its like being at bloody seaworld.

Oh hardly 😂 most SAHM threads I’ve been on people fall over themselves to say parenting is a full time job and the SAHM can’t be expected to do anything other than parent.

Oh but also that their partner should do a full days work then come home to do the chores the SAHM hasn’t done, and take over from parenting.

How is your house a disaster with one child and daily cleaners?

I understand your point, but also see his. Can you and DD do a quick tidy up every couple of hours so there's not too much left out? Just off the things that DD is not still playing with. Then a big tidy up just before you start cooking. I used to make that like a game with my kids - see how quick it can all go back in the box etc.

I think YABU here

You know he doesn’t like to come home to a messy house, which he then has to clean up after a long day at work. Fair enough I wouldn’t like that either and would be annoyed.

You are a SAHM with one child and a cleaner who comes twice a week, you are not short on time / I’m sure your child gets ample playtime though out the day.

So why not compromise a little and when you’re cooking dinner you tell your DC she can only pick one toy to play with, or she can’t use the messy ones she can only use ones that don’t make mess. Or get her a play pen and then all the toys will be contained within there. Or 10 minutes before DH is due home, tell her it’s time to start tidying up.

Seems like an easy solution to me for the evening issue.

It does sound like she had a bit of a free reign to make as much mess as she wants, and I think it’s fine for your DH to tell her she can’t splash water all around the bathroom or throw her toys out of the bath.

Also I wouldn’t be letting my child colour and play with her pens at bedtime when it was reading time - she can play with her pens tomorrow because it’s bedtime now.

Clearly if she’s going to bed she won’t be helping clean the pens up - and in my house if you make the mess you have to help clean it up. Therefore no pens at bedtime.