To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

When DH got home and DS had toys out he would quite likely have sat down with DS and played with him not moaned about having toys out.

I think there is also a compromise to be had with the only one toy out brigade. DS used to mix up different types of toys in his imaginative play, so I certainly didn’t stick to a rigid only one toy out system, but we did have rules about things like jigsaws not getting mixed up. He also helped to tidy away.

Bedtime did mean no toys other than cuddly toys and books. Certainly no pens etc. DH was very involved with bathtime/bedtime. It was his bonding time during the week.

As DS got older we would have lego constructions or toy car races that lasted a few days/weeks(!) in the lounge. He knew they had to be placed in a way so not to get in the way and if we had guests they would sometimes have to be cleared away/moved. His toys were part of our house. Miss them now he is older.

I can imagine OP’s DH wouldn’t be happy whatever the level of toys being out was, be it one or 100.

He sounds a bit like my DP - he’s so incredibly clean and tidy and thinks that should be my priority too. It’s quite obvious it physically stresses him out to see mess but he makes a huge effort not to nag and just watches in despair as they tip their toys out (although the oldest then tidies up when she’s done). The point is my DP is the same but doesn’t use it as an excuse to be a dick to the kids. Maybe he does have OCD but he needs to look at coping mechanisms that don’t involve expecting a small child to behave like an adult.
On the other hand, encouraging her to put one toy away before getting another one out or tidying up when she’s done isn’t going to hurt her. If we’re playing in the lounge, we tidy up those toys before going to play in the garden so there’s only chaos in one part of the house at any one time 😂

Really? My 2 year Dgs can manage to sit at the table and eat/drink. And knows now that toys have to be tidied after use. Needs reminding obviously. Funnily enough he's very good at replacing books neatly of the shelves. He's also able to put his used plate in dishwasher etc. In fact tidier in generally than his 7 year old cousin

I’m with you. I would understand having the toys or pencils she’s currently using out, but she should really be learning to put things away before getting new things out.

However, it also sounds like he needs to learn to communicate with a toddler far better than he currently is. Instead of saying “why did you…”, he should just calmly say “Go and put XYZ and the you can get ABC out.”

I agree with this! Why does the house have to be a mess when he comes home!?! One thing out at a time, tidy as you go and she is old enough to start to put her own toys away. I also wouldn't be letting her get out crayons etc during bedtime stories or throw bath toys across the room and splash enough to get water everywhere!
Kids need to learn the boundaries. You can play and have wonderful fun but come later on the house should be ready for the evening and I couldn't cope with crap everywhere!

You clearly missed the bit where OP said they pay equally. She has savings and family help.

Devastated?

He sounds like a miserable little gnome.

You are completely missing the point op, he's not actually talking to her, he's talking to you. You are at home he expects a tidy house and dinner on the table

Leaving DH aside, I really cannot understand why the home is a mess when you are at home all day with one 2 year old and a you have a cleaner on top. Just don't get it. sorry.

I don't really care if you think it's crap. Working outside of the home doesn't absolve you of having to do anything inside the home.

This is a fully grown, functional and capable adult, who is able to hold down a full time job yet doesn't have the ability to bath his own child and gets angry at having to put her pencil crayons back in a box?

You might be willing to settle for a substandard Dad for your children, not everyone does and that's ok

I wouldn't have thought raising a child to respect their things, their home and their parents was in any way controversial or a 'you do you' situation. Surely that is pretty universal, or should be. And as others have pointed out, it is also the OP's husbands home and child.

I love your 'especially as he's paying for it' in regards to the house. OP said she saved money and her parents give her money to allow her to be a SAHM. You are behaving as though he is her boss as her is paying for everything and she has failed her appraisal.

He can't do anything with his child, e.g. bathtime and bedtime because his child isn't doing it right, e.g. splashing in the bath, getting another book out for a bedtime story. He's a horrible control freak and a terrible father.

You see I think this is crap. Just because he is a man who works out of the home, doesn't strip him of the right to have a home that fits his needs in too.

I hate mess at the end of the day. Happy as Larry for the house to be a shithole for most of the day but I like a tidy calm space to relax in after work. I am a woman and have been a SAHP.

This would drive me nuts too. I would hate to come home to a messy living area. The obvious answer is play the tidy up game prior to starting supper. I recall tidy up time, then a spot of CBeebies whilst I got supper prepped. Dinner with Dad and then sharing the load by alternating bath / stories / milk / teeth / lights out.

Children thrive with age appropriate boundaries. You are a family and everybody's needs should be considered, or you run the risk of a whiny indulged child.

He sounds awful. He's been away from his 2 year old child all day and the minute he gets home, instead of being delighted to see her, he is complaining about her toys not being tidied away.

I completely agree with this, I have a 3 year old and would never let the house get so messy. If I came home to a messy house and my husband hadn’t tidied up all day I wouldn’t be happy

If her husband wants a tidy home, he can teach his daughter to tidy her toys when he comes home from work and on the weekends.
Not force his wife to do it by saying her job is "substandard". OP was very clear the house isn't a tip, that's the compromise.

My point was that OP should let her husband teach his standards to his daughter. And I agree that she is unreasonable not to let him.

Surely you know, deep down, that if you did the tidying up of the toys etc he wouldn't find it a problem.

He's yet another man that thinks having a partner that stays at home, absolves him of having to anything around the house or with his own child.

He needs reminding of this and if he can't cope with putting toys back in a box then he needs to look elsewhere for a life that he can cope with

It's not just her home though is it, it's her husbands as well. It sounds like a balance between the two is reasonable. If OP has no issue with them throwing toys around at bathtime, splashing so water go everywhere and tipping pencils over at bedtime then you can imagine what the house is like.

No he doesn’t.

Easy. (Easier said than done) Stop cooking dinner and tidy up. You feed yourself and DD at lunch time. Snack for tea. He can't have it both ways.

You do you, OP does what she wants in her home.

If I was paying a nanny, probably not. If it was my husband, then yes I would be fine with it.

Currently we both work full time, and when we come back from work at 6pm we tidy the toys they've got out in the morning before we left, we cook dinner, we take of the kids etc together. It's part of being a parent. Her husband does nothing at home, the minimum is that he helps tidying.

Hey OP

I do see your DH's point

If I'd been out at work all day, the last thing I'd want to walk into is an untidy house. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the majority of toys to be put away. Not having to start tidying up when he walks in the door might make him more tolerant in other areas of your dd playing.

He can finish of tea while you do bath time or whatever instead and you might get some time in the evening to actually be a couple rather than getting p*ssed off with each other

Stick a tidy up song on and get your dd to help. Nursery and school always implement putting toys away and tidy up time - you'll be doing your dd a favour teaching her.

Perhaps look at different storage for the crayons (a tray or a caddy so she can see them all and encourage her to put them back after she's used them)

amzn.eu/d/5JIYuQH one of these for the Lego