To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

So you call this out in front of.your DD? Of course she doesn't listen to him! You constantly undermine him which is quite rude in itself.

Your DH has boundaries with her and you don't. You play good cop, he's bad cop.
What happens when she cries?

That’s all because you and your husband have let it come to that . Daughter wants you because you always come to the defence , and husband gets frustrated because he feels inadequate .You both need to work on this . She’s a child . Two grown adults can surely set this up calmly and smoothly.

Well maybe he could spend 15 mins putting the toys away with his dd seeing as he doesn't have anything to do with cooking dinner cleaning up after that or bathing and putting his dd to bed

Hi op,

so basically by not controlling himself, he gets you to do everything he thinks you should do.

does he get angry if you are not able to?

doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship…

Good luck 🌺

Sensible comment.

This.

is you’re daughter sleeping through the night? Only reason I ask is you both seem grumpy and won’t budge.

you are both being unreasonable. Him because it can’t be spotless and you because you’re all “oh she’s a child and I’m cooking” when you can easily encourage her to tidy up (google the tidy up song) and then get her to do a puzzle while you cook. And nothing needs to be stirred continuously that it’ll burn if you step away for 5 minutes.

@YellowphantGrey I wasn't excusing the man, maybe I worded it incorrectly. I was trying to explain that his definition of mess wasn't your average person's definition of mess, so it wasn't exactly like a toy bomb had gone off but general level of toys with young children. And he needs to accept that children bring a certain level of mess and clutter. And he needs to let his DD have fun with her toys and if she is happily playing while mum is cooking what is wrong with that. As I said in a previous post, if there were toys out when DH came home he would get on the ground and play with DS not moan about the mess. If DS picked up another book at bedtime there is no way we could have complained as we both have piles of books by our bed and pretty much every room in the house has books in it, some in shelves, some in piles. We are very much a lived in house!

I hate to see houses that have young children in and there is very little evidence that they live there in the downstairs rooms. Yes it is important that they learn to tidy away, but if DS was in the middle of building a lego village, together with his toy cars racing through it, no way was I going to tell him it all had to be put away in the evening. He knew that it had to be built in a way that didn't impede other people's use of the living room, and if we were having elderly relatives with limited mobility staying with us, then that would be time for that particular creation to be cleared away as it wouldn't be so easy for them to walk around it. He knew it was important that jigsaws be put away carefully so no pieces were lost. Colouring pens etc were only allowed in certain parts of the house and would be put away when finished with. So there is a middle ground. I get the feeling from the OP that her DH doesn't accept a middle ground.

Toys being scattered around because OP has been cooking isn't exactly a pigsty.

But that isn’t what pp said. Why does it have to be to the extremes?

A house can look lived in without toys chucked everywhere. Learning how to tidy after yourself is also part of sharing your life with other humans.

Other people (especially young kids) using things and having them out in communal spaces is part and parcel of sharing your life with other humans. I don't get people who want to live with others and have families yet seem to want to come home to a house that looks like nobody's been there.

Exactly this. Kids can free-flow, do messy play, get loads of stuff out for like 95% of the time.
They can also spend 15min twice a day being supported to learn to sort objects into boxes aka tidy a few things!
The people banging on about OP's daughter enjoying the tipping out if the crayons, the sound of them hitting the table.... The OP's daughter might also enjoy then putting the items back in!!!
Lots of children really quite like putting bricks in boxes, crayons in the tub, its quite satisfying!

Yes, really, and I didn't say "sitting at the table and eating/ drinking." I said drinking carefully or tidying.

Nagging a child about the potential of spilling causes anxiety in the child about mistakes in general, a huge obstacle to future learning.

Focusing on the tidying, which so many here seem to believe is essential, tells the child that the play that has engaged and enthralled him all day isn't seen or appreciated. Putting the child in his place like this is another obstacle to future learning.

There is ample time when children are older and their attention span has grown to teach good habits. Older children will spend far more time engaging with toys and materials as designed, and there will be less open-ended play. They will also be able to hold and balance separate objectives in their minds as they play - try not to break the Lego thing they've just made as they pick it up to show you, make sure they don't lose a puzzle piece under the couch when they're spreading the pieces out, put a sheet of newspaper on thw table before painting and clear the art stuff off the table before dinner, etc.

So let's say he is undiagnosed OCD

Why does the whole household have to maintain his standards without him doing anything around the house without being passive aggressive about it?

I've seen posts on here over the years where women have said they have ocd or anxiety and they are immediately told they need to seek help and stop labelling it ocd because you like things tidy and that they can't expect everyone around them to live under their requirements and how they will end up passing these things onto their children

But it's ok for a man to put these demands and rules and restrictions in place?

Or OP has a usual tolerance for mess but the kid happens to be playing with toys when her Dad comes home and he immediately becomes passive aggressive and a dick.

One of the advantages of going back to work was less time at home to mess up the house particularly as we’d go out a lot at the weekend. Most of their messy playtime was at nursery and at home it was contained to the playroom.

Or the OP has a high tolerance for mess and her dh looks OCD in comparison.

OCD doesn't work like this though. It's not about tidying things up.

I was very hands on with my kids too but 10-15 minutes before I started getting dinner ready we would all tidy up toys together. They need to learn from a young age. Sometimes we would set an alarm and try to “beat the clock”. You just need to make it part of a routine
Things like Lego and pencils can easily be stored in smaller plastic containers and dont need to be tipped out everywhere
If mine wanted to tip anything out we had plastic trays so they could see things easily but it was so easy to tidy up as it was all in one place still and could be lifted out the way easily
Whilst I was cooking dinner my 2 would either “help” - and yes a 2 year old can do something - or sit at the table and colour or something else that doesn’t take much tidying.
Although your DH might be annoying he does have a point about always coming back to a messing living room

So your cleaner picks up after the toddler everyday? Is this a cleaner that comes daily or do you have a nanny?

Sorry I just can't imagine hiring someone to pick up after my toddler daily? Maybe I'm misunderstanding the situation though.