Page 3 | To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

anonymousi · 2024-10-17T20:54:05+00:00

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be. There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet. To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/10/2024 20:46

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 20:28

But even if he was paying all the household costs, why does this make him exempt from housework and childcare when they are both at home?

Does the penis fall off or something if he does things around the home outside of working hours?!

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I mean, it wouldn't, but since he's not paying all the household costs it's not even an argument.

Original poster

anonymousi · 19/10/2024 20:40

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/10/2024 15:18

@anonymousi I have only read your replies, but are you living off savings and still contributing to your family's joint expenses? How much are you contributing? Does your husband understand that if you worked he would need to contribute to the cost of childcare?

How long can this situation continue before you run out of money?

Without giving too much away as I don't want to be identifiable and tbh it's not really the point of the post, we both saved to an extent to enable me to be a SAHM as we were both in well paid jobs. My family also significantly helped / help me with a few major purchases and I have a passive income. He covers anything that is family expenses ie bills, groceries, us going on a date night or family restaurant, zoo tickets etc. but anything directly related to me such as buying clothes, make up, if I want to see a doc privately or if I went out for lunch with a friend, that is paid by me. I also pay for the cleaner because historically it just happened that way and stayed that way. Occasionally if it's in the grey area, for example, my daughter and I both wanted to go out for pizza instead of eating at home on a random Tuesday, and I'm not sure if that's a family expense or not, ill put it in my card to avoid the debate.

OP posts:

Errors · 19/10/2024 20:32

I think you and your DH need to find some middle ground. He’s too hard on her and you’re too soft on her

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 20:28

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/10/2024 20:11

If the OP worked and their child was in childcare he should be paying for half of that childcare, so no, he wouldn't be in the same financial position.

To a certain extent I agree that if one parent is the breadwinner they should not have to do half of the housework, but he's not the breadwinner, is he? He only pays for himself, so he should be doing 50% of the housework.

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But even if he was paying all the household costs, why does this make him exempt from housework and childcare when they are both at home?

Does the penis fall off or something if he does things around the home outside of working hours?!

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 20:26

Chichimcgee · 19/10/2024 20:07

So because he doesn't pay 100% of the household bills it's ok for him to essentially work 24/7?
He'd have less to do and be in the same financial situation if op worked or child was in childcare.

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He doesn't work 24/7 😂why are you so dramatic?!

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 20:24

Chichimcgee · 19/10/2024 19:57

So you would be perfectly happy to go to work all day until 7pm, come home and clean up, bath your child, clean up again, put child to bed, clean up again, have dinner and then go to bed and do it all again the next day. Despite the fact there's a whole other parent in the house

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But that's not what is happening?!

He comes home from work and makes passive aggressive comments because he had to tidy pencil crayons away that the child was using whilst the OP was cooking dinner.

He then can't do bath time because he can't cope with a child splashing in the bath and insist she has to be still in the bath and not move

He then makes her cry at bedtime because she had the audacity to reach for another book while he was reading

And he also tells her off for not facing forward whilst drinking!

Please don't pretend that he comes home from work and does everything while the OP lazed around because it suits your narrative, it's embarrassing

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/10/2024 20:11

Chichimcgee · 19/10/2024 20:07

So because he doesn't pay 100% of the household bills it's ok for him to essentially work 24/7?
He'd have less to do and be in the same financial situation if op worked or child was in childcare.

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If the OP worked and their child was in childcare he should be paying for half of that childcare, so no, he wouldn't be in the same financial position.

To a certain extent I agree that if one parent is the breadwinner they should not have to do half of the housework, but he's not the breadwinner, is he? He only pays for himself, so he should be doing 50% of the housework.

purplebeansprouts · 19/10/2024 20:09

anonymousi · 17/10/2024 22:16

Hard to say. He's always been tidy and maybe made jokes about the fact that my make up brushes are out everywhere but I'm not really untidy myself and didn't scatter my things like a 2yo so it was perhaps more difficult to see.
He thinks he's got OCD and I don't disagree

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If he genuinely thinks he has OCD he needs to see a doctor. If he is just an insufferable arse you need to ditch him.

Chichimcgee · 19/10/2024 20:07

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/10/2024 20:00

That other parent appears to be paying her half of the family finances out of her own savings, so he's getting a very good deal.

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So because he doesn't pay 100% of the household bills it's ok for him to essentially work 24/7?
He'd have less to do and be in the same financial situation if op worked or child was in childcare.

sharpclawedkitten · 19/10/2024 20:05

JMSA · 17/10/2024 22:16

I couldn't stand mess after a full day's work and would hate to come home to it. I'm a woman but just putting my view out there!
And how does being at home with one child - and a cleaner - stop you from tidying anyway?!
Sorry, it won't be popular, but I'm with him. That said, I wouldn't stress out the child with it, and we still had a billion toys, so I'm not against those. I just hate a messy living space!

Me too. I always used to tidy up before DH got home and would be really annoyed if he didn't do it before I got home!

Even now, if I am working from home and he isn't, I make sure there isn't a mess for him to come into like dishes everywhere.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/10/2024 20:00

Chichimcgee · 19/10/2024 19:57

So you would be perfectly happy to go to work all day until 7pm, come home and clean up, bath your child, clean up again, put child to bed, clean up again, have dinner and then go to bed and do it all again the next day. Despite the fact there's a whole other parent in the house

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That other parent appears to be paying her half of the family finances out of her own savings, so he's getting a very good deal.

Chichimcgee · 19/10/2024 19:57

thepariscrimefiles · 19/10/2024 14:35

I'm genuinely astonished at the support for the father's behaviour. There seems to be a Victorian/Edwardian 'children should be seen and not heard' mentality with the father as 'head of the household', issuing orders to mothers and children, like the early scene in Mary Poppins when Mr Banks comes home.

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So you would be perfectly happy to go to work all day until 7pm, come home and clean up, bath your child, clean up again, put child to bed, clean up again, have dinner and then go to bed and do it all again the next day. Despite the fact there's a whole other parent in the house

PrincessOfPreschool · 19/10/2024 18:34

You sound a bit shit to be fair

Thanks! Hope it makes you feel better about yourself.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 18:29

TheMamaLife · 19/10/2024 18:17

How do you know he’s scaring her? Doing a psychiatric assessment from a few posts are you?

And kids cry all the time. It’s a form of communication. If it was a terrified cry, I’m sure a reasonable human would adjust their behaviour.

And about the parenting books, lots of them are contradictory and bull… this is the view paediatric health care professionals I’ve come across.

Like I said before, nothing wrong with one parent setting behaviour standards to aim for.

There's everything wrong with setting standards for another adult to follow when you're not prepared to do anything towards meeting those standards.

If my DH had come to me with a list of parenting expectations and the standard he expects the house to be maintained at but wasn't prepared to do anything towards it and instead passively aggressively berated me by speaking through the child, it wouldn't last long.l, believe me.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 18:26

Grammarnut · 19/10/2024 17:30

I rather think we are on the same page, but a different paragraph. I think the parent who is not stay at home should certainly help tidy up etc. I just think the OP doesn't want to acknowledge her DH has a point and doesn't see why anything much should be tidied up from the child, who needs (she doesn't) free access to all her toys all the time.

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But all the negatives she has raised that he does, there are no advantages to. His expectations, with a child, are unrealistic.

Expecting a two year old to only face one direction while drinking? Expecting a two year old to sit on a bath and not splash the water? Splashing water doesn't mean the water is going out of the bath, being annoyed because a child has tipped their colouring crayons over the table to use?

Why does the husbands expectations require following and why do we expect the OP to compromise when the husband won't?

TheMamaLife · 19/10/2024 18:17

How do you know he’s scaring her? Doing a psychiatric assessment from a few posts are you?

And kids cry all the time. It’s a form of communication. If it was a terrified cry, I’m sure a reasonable human would adjust their behaviour.

And about the parenting books, lots of them are contradictory and bull… this is the view paediatric health care professionals I’ve come across.

Like I said before, nothing wrong with one parent setting behaviour standards to aim for.

Grammarnut · 19/10/2024 17:30

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:21

Nothing wrong with a tidy house. What's wrong with expecting the other person to help with tidying when they are at home and pulling their weight.

A stay at home parent doesn't absolve the other parent of doing anything else around the house when both parents are at home and it definitely doesn't mean the working parent gets to check out or berate the other parent for not doing it not properly.

It's supposed to be your partner, not one of the junior staff you treat like shit at work.

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I rather think we are on the same page, but a different paragraph. I think the parent who is not stay at home should certainly help tidy up etc. I just think the OP doesn't want to acknowledge her DH has a point and doesn't see why anything much should be tidied up from the child, who needs (she doesn't) free access to all her toys all the time.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:21

Grammarnut · 19/10/2024 17:15

I hate the term SAHM - it's derogatory, as if the woman was not a person. She stays at home and brings up her child, and that's fine by me, I stayed at home till my DS was 9 and my DD 5, i.e. till both were at school, and I treated my then DH's income as mine (and I ran the budget, he couldn't be bothered) because it bloody well was since I was putting all the work in to run a family and support his career, and also kept my home tidy (though he moaned it wasn't and other people we knew had nicer houses etc.) and not with Lego etc. all over the floor. I can see OP's DH's point of view, because it would be mine. What's wrong with a tidy house?

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Nothing wrong with a tidy house. What's wrong with expecting the other person to help with tidying when they are at home and pulling their weight.

A stay at home parent doesn't absolve the other parent of doing anything else around the house when both parents are at home and it definitely doesn't mean the working parent gets to check out or berate the other parent for not doing it not properly.

It's supposed to be your partner, not one of the junior staff you treat like shit at work.

Lulu49 · 19/10/2024 17:16

Every person is different. I actually listen better if I'm doing something else as well, it might look like I'm not but I am. I think insisting a two year old should focus completely on the story being read could be a little unrealistic as I struggle myself and I'm a fully grown adult

Grammarnut · 19/10/2024 17:15

OrangeSlices998 · 19/10/2024 06:29

You honestly think speaking to a 2 year old who’s tired at bedtime like that is acceptable? Because it’s not! It’s absolutely okay for toddler to want mum and for dad to do bedtime and be with her while she’s sad it’s different to how she wanted it - but that’s not by shouting at her or threatening to leave. It’s by being kind and empathetic and gently holding a boundary and staying with her during her upset ‘tonight it’s daddy’s turn to do bedtime, it’s mummy’s turn tomorrow, I know it’s hard etc etc’ and offering a hug/whatever she wants.

I mean ideally he wouldn’t have been a shouty prick up until this point that she hates him doing bedtime at all but that’s besides the point.

A 2 year old isn’t entitled, but they have feelings and I wouldn’t want to be put to bed by a shouty angry unkind man and I bet if your husband/partner spoke to your kids like that you wouldn’t just sit by and let it happen. But on mumsnet because she’s a SAHM and has dared not to have a pristine house when he comes home she’s in the wrong entirely.

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I hate the term SAHM - it's derogatory, as if the woman was not a person. She stays at home and brings up her child, and that's fine by me, I stayed at home till my DS was 9 and my DD 5, i.e. till both were at school, and I treated my then DH's income as mine (and I ran the budget, he couldn't be bothered) because it bloody well was since I was putting all the work in to run a family and support his career, and also kept my home tidy (though he moaned it wasn't and other people we knew had nicer houses etc.) and not with Lego etc. all over the floor. I can see OP's DH's point of view, because it would be mine. What's wrong with a tidy house?

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:05

Grammarnut · 19/10/2024 17:04

I haven't suggested her DH be praised for sticking toys in a box, I just said it was reasonable not to step on Lego all over the floor etc.

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I didn't say you said that?! 😮

Grammarnut · 19/10/2024 17:04

YellowphantGrey · 18/10/2024 23:22

It's quite depressing really how low the bar is for men.

I'm wondering why this poster is getting a hard time for getting her husband to put toys in a box and pencil crayons away yet any other woman who starts a thread about this would have been told that the husband should still, quite rightly, be doing 50% of housework and parenting

He's passive aggressive, is unable to parent or communicate with his 2 year old appropriately and yet this is suddenly acceptable?

Or I'm going to take a wild guess that aall the posters defending him are also men that have popped up following the supermoon and are chomping at the bit to justify such shitty male behaviour

I haven't suggested her DH be praised for sticking toys in a box, I just said it was reasonable not to step on Lego all over the floor etc.

ToNiceWithSpice · 19/10/2024 16:38

He sounds like a miserable bastard constantly picking at a 2 year old . I wouldn't want him putting her to bed if that's the way he speaks to her

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/10/2024 15:18

@anonymousi I have only read your replies, but are you living off savings and still contributing to your family's joint expenses? How much are you contributing? Does your husband understand that if you worked he would need to contribute to the cost of childcare?

How long can this situation continue before you run out of money?

Freshersfluforyou · 19/10/2024 14:40

Josette77 · 18/10/2024 21:46

So you call this out in front of.your DD? Of course she doesn't listen to him! You constantly undermine him which is quite rude in itself.

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This. Its no wonder she is difficult for him, you've chosen to teach her that its ok not to listen to Daddy.
When shes refusing to close her eyes so he can wash her face, instead of swooping in and saying there there, mean daddy, you need to back him up?
'daddy has asked you to close your eyes. You need to close your eyes so daddy can wash your face!' then leave again! If you insist on going in. You need to be a team who are the same page not constantly undermining him and casting him as bad cop.