To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

DH used to just help tidy up, no whinging apart form the odd “she trashed this room eh.”I hate the mess of having a small child, I struggled more with it tbh,weaning was hell for me. I actually got a cleaner in 5 days a week at that point because I just really struggle with mess (childhood issues and OCD). but I tried not to make it an issue just “theres a mess, I need you to help tidy up please”. It’s important that she’s taught to tidy up after herself now.

We always did storytime in our bed with nothing else, if she’s not looking at the book it’s not storytime, choose a shorter book. If she’s messing around with something else she’s not engaging with the book and theres no point.

We were strict about throwing things in the bath, she could splash the walls or the screen but not people. I don’t think theres anything wrong with that,

I think you just have different parenting styles and need to find a compromise.

You are both being unreasonable

He needs to tolerate some toys out while she's playing

You need to teach her to put things away as she's finishing.

Children do have to be taught to tidy their things from a young age. She's not too young to learn, at this age you just make tidy up time part of the game.

Really? 🙄

This exactly!

He sounds like a pain in the arse making passive aggressive comments, but equally, if you're at home with one child and have a cleaner coming twice a week it's not hard to keep the place reasonably tidy. I'd be pretty peed off if I was coming home to a mess every day. But everyone is different when it comes to expectations of tidiness at home. You both need to compromise.

He's not anal etc he just doesn't like stepping on Lego and having an untidy house all the time, when OP is at home all day but doesn't seem to tidy up or encourage DD to tidy up, so DD is throwing pencils around, playing up at bedtime and throwing things out of the bath. I'd object to that lot and I am not especially bothered about an absolutely tidy house.

Sitting with your child to play is perfectly fine - we all did it. But we tidied up together after each activity, encouraged tidyness and keeping sets of toys together. Everywhere does not need to be full of toys all the time.

Exactly .

What does he say when you tell him he's an unreasonable, grumpy man who is dampening the spirit of his 2 year old daughter?

Well, I'd tidy up before I cooked dinner (and would probably tidy toys up as we went through the day, teaching by example that it's important to keep things tidy and together). DD can watch TV or do some colouring at the table etc whilst you cook.
A bedtime story is a wind-down, so there shouldn't be colouring pencils got out during this activity. Listening to a story also helps to form habits of concentration over a period of time.
I agree with your DH about throwing stuff out of the bath, colouring in during story time etc. but his comments are not helpful. You need to compromise here - being a SAHM (such a derogatory term, I think) doesn't mean your DC does what she likes and messes up the house all the time - it would drive me scatty.

This. His tone would annoy me but also with a cleaner coming regularly and one dc it honestly isn't hard to keep the house tidy. Need to find a compromise...

Aww this breaks my heart too.

He sounds autistic - do you think that could be the case?

It depends if you have most the toys out in the house of just a couple. I don’t think there’s any needs for most rooms to be a mess, but two or three toys out in the kitchen while you prepare dinner is fine. I’m with him on the bath though, we’ve always taught our kids eager stays in the bath else they get out!

Think there's a compromise here. My child is younger than yours and knows that if she wants a different colour she puts the pen she's holding back first. Maybe look at the storage system? A pot rather than a pencil case for instance so she can see them without tipping them?

Same for other toys. There's only so much floor space so fine to get one set of things out, but she helps you put that away before the next toy comes out. Especially Duplo...

I think you need to meet in the middle. I was a SAHM, we would have a tidy up time before I started cooking and then I used to let them choose to do a puzzle or watch tv or draw etc while I was cooking. It made things calmer to signal the end of the day and less tidying to do after I'd finished cooking. By that point in the day I also wanted a tidier house.
One of us would put the DCs to bed and the other would tidy the kitchen and the few toys.
Agree with PP that DD shouldn't be throwing toys out of the bath of trying to get colouring pencils out a bed time.
The comments from your DH are unhelpful too.
Can you both sit down and agree a compromise?

Oooh - that passive aggressive tone when one parent says ‘mummy’s done this, silly mummy’ or ‘daddy’s been messy, now we need to clean it’ - just so unnecessary and unbecoming. He sounds very partronising.
He should be very grateful to have you and DD, not moaning about a couple of pencils on the floor.

Well, he does sound like a moaning prick who doesn't understand children. But there is nothing wrong with teaching a child even that young that there is a "tidy up time" which they can join in with. Nurseries do it. It would be carnage if they didn't.

So tipping all the pencils out the box to find the colour she wants - fine. But she needs to put them back in the box afterwards, and you can help her do it rather than do it all for her. Tipping them all out (as with the rest of her toys) for no reason other than to get a reaction from you or dad, or after they've been put away for the night and she's been told that as they were going away - not fine.

Spashing in the bath - fine, it's what kids do, it's physics at its most basic level! And fun! Deliberately throwing bath toys full of water out of the bath onto the floor - not fine.

Getting a second book out now and again during bedtime stories because she doesn't like the first story - fine. Getting a second book out after she's been told that it's just one book at bed time and then sleep - not fine. But make it fair for her and give her warning of how many books she can have, and let her choose what you're going to read.

Only you know whether Dad is just being too strict and a bit of a prick or if he's trying to instil a bit of good order and sense of caring for your belongings amidst chaos and boundary-pushing.

She can have fun all day but that doesn't mean spending 15min at 5pm popping a few toys in the box is going to harm her? Its a good pattern to get into.
And if i was reading to my toddlers then yeah id discourage them from going and getting another book/tipping out crayons, rather than actually listening and engaging with the book - he's actually helping to build her focus and concentration skills by encouraging her to stay engaged rather than tipping out crayons?

It sounds like theres a balance to be struck here - you dont need to be constantly tidying but surely you'd tidy up even a little before he gets home, a lot of people wouldn't like to arrive home to a bombsite its hardly relaxing is it. Make putting a few toys in their boxes into a game, encourage her to sort, 'cars in this box, sylvanians in here, can put the animals together?'

I couldn't stand mess after a full day's work and would hate to come home to it. I'm a woman but just putting my view out there!
And how does being at home with one child - and a cleaner - stop you from tidying anyway?!
Sorry, it won't be popular, but I'm with him. That said, I wouldn't stress out the child with it, and we still had a billion toys, so I'm not against those. I just hate a messy living space!

He won't change spontaneously so you need to tell him to knock it on the head sooner rather than later.

Not a SAHM but ny OH once (while DC was literally hanging onto his leg) said 'I think he's done a poo' like I needed to drop what I was doing (chores) and deal with it. It caused an argument but he started pulling his finger out on the parenting front after that.

My ex was like this. Just wanted them sitting quietly watching TV rather than doing anything involving the possibility of noise or mess. Now they are a little older they can tidy up after themselves so it's a short stage really. I make them tidy one thing before getting out another which helps a lot.

But anyway it's your choice as to whether to allow him to behave like this. He doesn't sound great as a partner or parent.

FFS Nurseries encourage children to put away their toys from the baby room. Encouraging her to do the same isn’t harming her development. It’s setting age appropriate boundaries. At 2 she should be putting toys away (at least into the box) before taking another one out. It shouldn’t be for you or your DH to do.