To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

I’m a SAHM. I am not the slightest bit jealous nor do I think SAHM are scum of the earth, obviously. I’m no trad wife - I don’t wear make up or own heels and my husband cooked dinner tonight.

Nonetheless I think it’s reasonable to start setting expectations that it’s unacceptable to throw water or wet toys out the bath and if DC keeps doing that then they are taken out the bath. That you can get a pencil out the pot without tipping the whole lot out - if she’s got too many to find the right one without dumping them everywhere she’s got too many. That you put the book away before getting the next one out.

Of course she won’t do it perfectly, or even imperfectly a lot of the time, but just smiling indulgently and standing by watching and blathering on about it being good for her development while she spills her drink is ridiculous. She won’t learn if she’s never corrected.

I had a box of plugs and a screwdriver from around 4 😂. Seriously I did. I thought I was the only person!

I would ask him to come home 15 mins later and have a quick clean up time. I think he has a point about the toys all over the place, he should not have to pick them up.

However I'm 100% with you re the bath times or other things. Constantly complaining to a child is wrong and unfair. They have a short attention span and are naturally clumsy or messy. I am a big believer in making the child clean up their own mess though. If you spill the water you clean it up, if you throw food on the floor clean it up etc. This can be taught matter of factly and playfully 'oh no you dropped it. Time to pick it up' and if they don't fun time is over. Maybe if you start this type of approach dh could follow. I work with young kids and one rule is you never over turn a box unless you will tidy it up again. If they refuse the whole lot can be taken away. If a child is physically capable of taking lego out of a box they are capable of putting it back. All children learn really quickly that it's not worth spilling out all the pencils so they stop. I think you really need to be firm on this.

It's crazy that he isn't doing bed times. You've been with her all day you need a break and this should be a shared task. I think you need to somehow educate him as to what's normal behaviour for this age while working with DD to be less destructive.

@TheBirdintheCave

its an important part of a child's development for them to play with 'mixed' toys (like duplo & train set together with character figures and cars).

you should try not to restrict his play, just make clean up as easy as possible at the end.

it messes with my head, but because it helps their development my head has to take a back seat.

My dear dad got me a 13A plug, a length of flex and a couple of screwdrivers aged 4 as it was about time I could put a plug on...

...45 now and can wire a mean plug!!

Brilliant 😁

How much detail and time really needs to be spent on a simple week night meal for two? What are you cooking? Is it 5 courses of Cordon Bleu?

Or there's sahm like me who realise you have to clean/tidy/wash and teach your child and its not that difficult to keep on top of a house with a cleaner twice a week.
I would be jealous as it sounds great to do nothing but play with my daughter all day but by not teaching her and modelling to her I'd be letting her down

Well with 1 child and a cleaner there's no reason that the house shouldn't be reasonably tidy in the evening.

I would have him go to a Messy Play session with her! Seriously. And have a childcare professional explain the concept of it.
He really needs to let these things go, he needs to hear it from you and from other people also.
“Creating mess is an important part of a child’s development, so tidiness has to take a back seat for a few years. Sorry love.”

Yes to this.

OP, you're getting a hard time here because there are many MNers who think sahms are the scum of the earth and they should greet their Important Breadwinner every evening in heels, makeup done, not a toy or a child in sight, three course meal all set and ready to go, and then put on his slippers for him, fetch his pipe, and ask him how his Important Day went, while never burdening him with any silly little womanly problems of her own. Not sure why, maybe jealousy, maybe just nasty people.

I've got a 3yo and can't stand everything out everywhere. Don't get me wrong, he can have more than one thing out at once but not everything littered all over the place. When it gets silly, we stop and tidy away. When he decides he wants his colours out we tidy the living room toys away before going to the kitchen to get colours and colouring books out on the table. Before bed, he helps tidy up etc.

Bedtime story - if she's distracted and wanting other things during it, change it up - shorter story, picture book to make up your own story etc.

It sounds like he needs to chill a bit more, yes, but also sounds like you could be going a bit more too

I have a degree in early years and in every nursery I've worked in and seen 2 year olds are tidying up, drinking from a plastic glass, using cutlery, generally being taught how to do things. Treating your 2 year old lime they're 6 months old isn't going to help them

There is nothing age appropriate about the expectation of a two year old drinking carefully or tidying toys. Absolutely nothing.

A great many people here need to give their heads a massive wobble, and then go and look up basic elements of child development.

Are you for real?
She wants to play with a toddler all day and he's failing?!
Being a sahm with a twice weekly cleaner and family support and unable to keep a tidy house is crazy imo

I'm telling you this very seriously - you have a significant problem here. He is failing badly as a father.

He is also failing badly as a husband. He is doing damage to his relationship with you. He needs to be told that in no uncertain terms.

And fwiw, he has forgotten that your family has contributed financially or otherwise to your standard of living, and he has forgotten that you saved to enable you to be a sahm during these important years. His words and behaviour are that of the poor put-upon hard-working breadwinner who has to put up with lazy hangers on whose only function in his life is to frustrate him and bleed him dry financially. Diddums...

Do you think he would go to marriage counseling? I think he needs to realise he's treading on thin ice here (you need to make him aware of how fast you're losing respect and affectionate feelings toward him) and your willingness to make allowances for his very poor attitude is at a very low ebb.

Is there anyone in the wider family who could take him aside and tell him what a twat he is?

He needs a complete reset of his attitude toward you, toward himself and his Billy Big Bollocks job, and toward his little daughter.

You said your dream was to be a SAHM - is it working out as you hoped?
Pretty sure PP is aware the cleaner is not full time, I’d hazard that almost no one has a full time cleaner! Twice a week is a a lot of outside help IMO.

I think it’s reasonable to expect a two year old to start learning that water and toys stay in the bath and that you can find a Lego piece or pencil without literally dumping the entire container out. Yes, she’s going to spill drinks etc but that doesn’t mean you just smile indulgently - telling her to watch for her cup is a perfectly reasonable thing.

You have one child and a twice weekly cleaner - I don’t think tidying toys actually is Daddy’s job, you and your daughter should be tidying as you go. Different if you were stuck under a cluster feeding newborn, but it’s actually quite possible to get stuff done while looking after one toddler.

Personally as a woman, I don’t want to come home from a days work to toys all over the place, if I were cooking dinner I would have encouraged a tidy up before hand then have a puzzle /Lego or drawing out that they can do at the table while dinner is being made. I wouldnt have the house a mess for dh coming home or leave it until after dinner was made.

neither of you are right or wrong but here needs to be a place in the middle that you both meet over parenting or the next 16 years are going to be hellish.

i don’t like mess, dh would encourage all toys out. However I would read numerous books before bedtime and dh would only ready one. We realised quickly that we both have to compromised when parenting together.

Oh here we go...

We always did storytime in our bed with nothing else, if she’s not looking at the book it’s not storytime, choose a shorter book. If she’s messing around with something else she’s not engaging with the book and theres no point.
We were strict about throwing things in the bath, she could splash the walls or the screen but not people. I don’t think theres anything wrong with that

This - the point of the bedtime stories is the child listens to them?

If my kids stopped paying attention i used to stop reading. I found they then came back over noticing I'd stopped & i explained they needed to listen if they wanted a story. Its part of helping them develop their attention span. choose shorter stories at first with flaps or finger puppets etc to help them engage.

I can't imagine not having most things tidied away by 7

Do you keep her up to eat with your husband or has she already had tea?

We didn't get toys out after as it was winding down time then bath

So you husband works all day, comes home and has to clean up and when trying to get 2yo to act age appropriate (by tidying, drinking carefully etc) you have an issue. Honestly it sounds like you do nothing all day and expect him to do it. In my opinion if he works you maintain the hosue and in the evenings you share parenting duties

Either dinner will burn whilst I'm running after her tidying toys / encouraging her to tidy or there will be toys scattered

Cooking doesn't involve continously stirring a pot. Don't you ever do meals where you just pop a tray of chicken/veg in the oven, or leave a sauce simmering on a low heat, or a pan of veg steaming gently?

I hate this notion that a parent looking after a child can't do anything else & thus its acceptable for house to be a tip, nothing washed etc. Just bring your toddler in the kitchen & give her colouring or play do in the high chair while you cook. You don't have to let her turn the house into a bombsite every night at 5pm.

I can't stand mess and we have a small house. Son (3) is repeatedly reminded he can only have one big toy out at once. If he wants the Duplo out then the train set needs to go back into the box for example.

I don't see an issue with your DH not wanting her to get more toys out right before bed time or during reading time. That would annoy me too.