Visitors after giving birth

This. And I can't tell you how disappointing it is to read that your DH '... said I was being a bit of a toddler about it.'

Really? A 'bit of a toddler'?! Said to the woman who is going through the pain and risk of giving birth to his child, and about to undergo major surgery! Men like this DS need a massive change in their attitudes as this kind of disrespect is so inappropriate, just beyond the pale really.

Absolutely, why does it matter if they meet baby at 2 hours old, 2 days old or 2 weeks old? The baby will have no memory of who visited them and when, and if anything, it's unsettling for them to be passed person to person.

So anyone who insists on visiting early on isn't doing so out of care or love for the baby, the newborn baby doesn't give a sh1t about them. They doing it because they want to see the baby, it's about them. I don't want or need selfish people around when I'm recovering from major surgery.

So I'm sitting here reading these comments as a post c-section mummy (currently 4 days after my third time) and rolling my eyes at many comments while applauding others.

It is not "mean" to deny anyone visiting nor is it in any way unacceptable to feel more comfortable with your own family/parents than your in-laws. This also applies even if it's your in-laws who are babysitting your first child while you're in hospital. You don't "owe" them a free pass into invading your personal space during a vulnerable time just because they did you a favour.
If and when you do feel up to visitors, and its your husband's responsibility to inform his family if you are not ready, then do nothing when they come. Don't tidy up in advance, don't make cups of tea or coffee, just sit. And just get up, thank them for coming then leave the room for a rest once you've had enough. You are also not obliged to let them hold baby if you aren't comfortable. Let people be arseholes about it, even your husband (who is being a total bellend tbh), this is your time to be "selfish". It's a bloody big operation not just a wee cut and baby is popped out and you just get on with your week. Oh and as a side note, take the painkillers.

I had my daughter during the pandemic and it was 5 weeks before my in-laws came up. We saw my parents for the first time around 3 weeks. It wasn't ideal but it was also wonderful.
My mother in-law wanted to know that I felt comfortable for them to come and didn't stay as long as we offered as she didn't want to overstep.

If we are lucky enough to have a second, we would probably not have visitors for 5-7 days and probably wouldn't have in-laws to visit until 10-14 days.

Yanbu. I had to do the same with baby 2. My family popped by and took my toddler out but xp's family didn't visit for a couple of weeks. My recovery and bf went much smoother.

You are the one going through the trauma of a baby being cut out of your body and then trying to recover afterwards so you get to set the rules on who is in your home and when.

the baby isn’t going to go anywhere, people can be patient and wait until you’re ready to host.

Why would it? I feel significantly more comfortable around my own family than I do my husbands, particularly when recovering from birth. This is quite normal, I think.

I think it’s unfair for your husband to say you’re being “a toddler about it” (what?). I get him wanting his parents to meet the baby asap but maybe if they weren’t so high maintenance you’d be more comfortable hosting them within a week of major surgery, the recovery and the taking care of a newborn and another older child too.

I would let them visit BUT stay in your comfortable clothes, do not even get up to make a cup of tea, take yourself and baby off to the room if you want to rest or feed in privacy. Just basically do it all on your own terms and if they feel uncomfortable then good, they will think twice again from visiting and being so unhelpful. I've had 2 CSec and I only had people over who were going to help or not be a bit bother. Dh family lived far away, and needed to stay if they visit. They also are not the type to pitch in, so we had them come after a month. Even then it was a week of having the fridge stocked and telling them to help themselves. I did cook the main evening meal because I wanted something nice for us, but lunch and breakfast was completely up to them.
I also napped when baby napped so unfortunately for them they had to entertain themselves.
Fortunately DH supported me in every way because he realised that me just giving birth was a priority over grown adults who can sort themselves out.
When my dp's stayed they literally took over everything and dh and I got a huge break. Seeing that he was very much on my side about who we have over that will actually be of help and support.

I can see why you wouldn’t want to host (and you don’t have to, if ever there’s a time it’s acceptable to lounge in your PJs it’s when you’ve just given birth!). Leave your husband to host.
I would say though, I didn’t realise quite how much DC1 would struggle with the arrival of DC2. I had these visions of us all spending a lovely week together but by about day 3, she needed some normality so my MiL came round, played with her while I napped upstairs with DC2. That said,my MiL and DC1 are incredibly close, as are we, so for her it made life a little more normal having her granny round for playtime. I’d keep an open mind in case you end up needing more support than you’d think - don’t cut off your nose to spite your face unnecessarily.

Doesn't matter if the rules apply to them. OP is the one giving birth so she can make the rules. It's not about the GP or their feelings.

I was wondering that. Funny it's always the inlaws that are the problem ...

It's not bullshit though to expect your husband to be considerate of your needs when you've had major abdominal surgery, is it? Especially when the demand is very reasonable.

Surprised it took 2 pages for the "when he has a baby, he can have a say" bullshit 🙄

Also your husband needs to pipe it down, annoys me so much to read DHs giving heir unsolicited opinion in post birth matters. Having had 2 c sections myself, the recovery is harder on the second one, and he's not the one having major abdominal surgery. Just tell him when he has his stomach ripped open in half, he can have a say. Same battle for in laws.

In all kindness they’ll come to see the baby not you. You could stay in bed and let DH manage the visit (and bring down the baby) and it would make no difference to them.

With a C Section you won’t be able to do much for the first 12 weeks except care for baby. So you might as well get him managing his parents.

If it's not possible for them to make a short visit in hospital then I'd try and seek a compromise and be firm with your DH that you'll be staying in PJs (tough shit if ILs don't like it), and he must make sure they only stay an hour or two max. Make the sofa up like a bed and lie down so it's clear you're recuperating. Also, he'll be doing any hosting and running around. If he can't put your needs first then there will be no visitors. I think to keep things fair you need to include your own family in those rules too OP.

I'm surprised at the answers here. 7 days is such a short time after birth, you're not asking to be left alone for a month! Of course you can request no visits for the first 7 days, I would say it's kind of natural. My in laws planned to be on holidays around my due date so came to see DD2 on day 9 or 10, completely normal.
Just say first week you'll be exhausted and getting to grips with everything but after this week of adjustment they're more than welcome.

Yes

I really don't think you should pre promise this you don't know what your health will be like.
I'd like me you were crying with nipple trauma and half your nipple hanging off you don't want In laws arriving

Hospital - no! Think of all the other poor ladies on the ward.

A woman can be vulnerable post surgery around her own mum but not her in laws why is that so hard to understand.
Why doesnt this husband or his family care about her being comfortable post surgery?

Would this man want his in laws hanging around while he'd just had major surgery and had his bits on display?

Don't convince him just tell him no. If he calls you a toddler say that's a nasty way to stalk to your pregnant wife preparing for surgery, if he's still nasty to you tell him you'd rather go and stay with your son parents for a week after the birth.

It only creates 'ill will' if those not visiting put their wishes above those of mum and baby.
We clearly communicated before we had DD2 that week one was for us to bond with baby as a family. There was no ill will, no push back. MIL is very vocal and if she isn't happy about something the world knows about it, and she said to DH that she fully understood, and she eished she had done same when she had hers. He did a short video call with her to show DD2 and that was fine.