DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

Ofcourse it is their business

What a daft thing to say

I'm with the other posters struggling to understand the mechanics of this incident.

To leave a mark on a child's skin of raised fingerprints, it would be require a completely different motion to batting something away. It would mean that the arm had been drawn back, basically. The arm wouldn't be drawn back in the same way to instinctively - even forcefully - bat something away.

Did you see the incident OP (sorry if I've missed this)? Where on the body is the mark?

Yes and if you hide one thing they'll wonder what else is being hidden

My youngest daughter is the same. They mask so much that once they reach that safe space (home) then it explodes.

Absolutely wrong. What if the kid goes in the next day and says she wasn’t sick and that her dad hit her without any context? That would make things so much worse. Think things through. Lying is never the right answer. Nor is taking your kid out of school.

See wgat its like wheb sge gets to school. If its obvious you need to be honest. But be prepared for them not to believe you....

@Aduvetday That's not quite right. Mandated reporting is for sexual offences as far as I understood it

Keeping her off to hide it is terrible advice.

Communicate with the school. If it gets escalated to social services, communicate with them too. As said, it may get her more support. You might also be able to access some training in how to safely and non-painfully restrain a child who is in that state where they cannot be reasoned with, to keep both themselves and yourselves safe. Keep working with all the professionals and most importantly document everything, communicate about everything.

Social services are not on the lookout for children to take away. And to be frank (sorry) even if they were, they wouldn't be looking for violent autistic 7 year olds. Even if you believe the ridiculous conspiracy theories, she is not a cute adoptable baby/toddler.

(Don't believe the conspiracy theories, please!) Just in practical terms alone, they don't have the budget to house every child and they have to perform a cost-benefit analysis to remove children - there's absolutely no way the massive, massive costs, both emotional cost to your DD and financial costs of finding a suitably experienced foster placement for her would be worth the very slight risk avoidance. They do a LOT with families before it ever gets to the point of removal. (In this case, as others have said, most likely they will close the case very quickly.) You don't need to be scared of social services as long as you are open to communicating honestly and working with them and taking on board their suggestions.

This thread is awful, full of handy hints from people claiming to be safeguarding leads and other parents about basically how to hide abuse.

It is 100% their business to notice it, recognise it as possible finger marks, ask her how she got it and then report it to social services. That is the required procedure in Safeguarding. Soc services will then make a decision as to what the outcome is - No further action if what you say is held to be truthful.

Absolutely, I had a pupil who was a total nightmare, high functioning autistic, very high IQ, ADHD, she did not fare well in a regular school, at year 9 went to a great specialist school - bumped into her the other day, now 21, third year medical student, as she put it in her words, "I'm still a nutter, but I've got the nuts organised now" - which I thought was a fun way of putting it, she puts her success down entirely to the special school she attended.

That's what occurs to me, it seems the force used would be dis proportionate to that simply needed to bat an item out of the way - if said item was hit that hard it could itself cause harm.

Full sympathy OP for the trials of bringing up an autistic child and the extra stress that takes on top of life stress, but maybe DH needs some support - in no way suggesting he is a bad guy, but we all have a breaking point, and its good to self realise that being reached.

This is not the point. But my child’s meltdowns almost totally disappear when he moved to a special school from mainstream. Don’t underestimate how critical the right school is and what an impact that can have at home.

Has she already got an EHCP?

You have to hit very hard to leave a mark that persists the next day. Especially one that shows individual finger marks. This was more than self defence.

I completely understand that your DH didn't mean to hit her. I also understand exactly how difficult it is to deal with meltdowns when the child is being physical.

Lots of us have stories about how we accidentally injured one of our DC. It's a normal part of life - accidents happen. It only becomes problematic if the accident happened due to a lack of regard for safety eg/leaving hot hair straighteners out on the table where a child could touch them,

The very big difference with your situation is that you acknowledge that your DH used "excessive force". That is something very different to a run of the mill accident where a child gets clonked on the head while a parent is doing housework.

It sounds as if your DH lost control. Even though he might never raise a hand to your DD directly, if he can't keep a lid on his temper he will put her at risk.

As some others have said, I don't know how he's managed to leave a hand imprint on her - that really does suggest a lot of force was used and at extremely close proximity to your child if he's accidentally caught her.

I'm glad to see you acknowledge you need help. It may well be that a social services referral is what you need to get access to services. There are parenting courses you can go on, as well as specific courses designed to teach you how to deal with a violent child.

Worth mentioning that I speak as the parent of two autistic DC (and I'm autistic myself), one of my DC has attacked me many, many times over the years, sometimes to the point where I've required medical treatment. I really do know how hard it is so please don't think I'm waving that away. But I also know that you can't lose control of your own temper, no matter how difficult things are. An adult man hitting a child hard enough to leave a handprint is a serious matter. He may not have meant to hit her but you still acknowledge that he used excessive force so that can't happen again.

You need to make sure an EHCP has been applied for, if not, this needs to be a priority. And you need to ask for input from CAMHS/the disability team for help managing your DD's outbursts.

Is she at the right school setting? My DS was infinitely worse when he was stressed at school - when he moved into a specialist setting the violent outbursts reduced (but didn't completely go away).

Do you know what triggered her meltdown? Do you understand what she finds difficult? Meltdowns are a form of communication so getting to the heart of what she's struggling with is key to making life easier for the whole family, but especially your DD.

I'm sorry this has happened - it's really hard for all of you.

A quick google shows some local authorities have much stricter protocols than others.

Yep, of course, but I've never seen such an injury, and hope not to, if a child is particularly bashed around I normally say something like "crikey, fight with a moving car!" or "what's the other guy look like" which almost always reveals a tail of woe which involves us being slaughtered yet again on the rugby pitch, or a hockey ball behaving in an unexpected way.

Invariably appear after sports matches or lunch breaks when a punch up has broken out round the back of the sports hall and a whole crowd have broken glasses and bloody shirts.

I self referred to social services as I was struggling with my autistic son and they've been amazing, got us so much support, financial support, grants and all sorts so try not to worry about that

This is exactly what I was thinking.

I left a huge fingerprint bruise on DD once, grabbing her when she fell off some play equipment- if I hadn’t got her she’d have been in a&e with something far worse.

I told nursery, HV called afterwards, that was it.

My son had small cuts on his face and when his nursery asked what happened he said his dad did it with a knife- we were asked about it and obviously it wasn't- as far as I know that wasn't reported anywhere. That seems to me like something that probably should have been but I think they used their judgement, they knew us as a family and they knew all of my children.

I think some posters are confusing ‘someone at school reporting it to the DSL and the DSL making a record and speaking to the parents’ (for example) with ‘reporting to social services’.

The latter only happens if the issue is not resolved/ongoing or the DSL is concerned by the severity or reaction of the parents etc

@ThatCalmHelper it's nothing to do with private vs state. Many state children do a load of sport- my daughter is a climber and has scratches and bruises all over her all of the time and no one has ever batted an eyelid.

The example from what you quoted was a parents fingernails scratching and obviously the OP's husband left fingermarks. Surely you'd report a bruise/ injury that looked like it had been inflicted by an adult?

@ThatCalmHelper I think you are right that we are more cautious in EY and primary. My experience is all in nursery and KS1 and I've worked in a lot of different settings, in all of which it would be standard to report obviously finger-shaped bruising on a child.

My son's secondary school, on the other hand, would happily send a child home shaking and bruised with blood all over his school shirt from a beating in the changing rooms, because apparently none of the teachers noticed anything amiss. Very different culture.

And when she goes in Monday and tells someone that she didn't go to school because daddy hit her and bruised her it would be better?

You really shouldn't be encouraging children to lie- especially when it's about injuries that have been inflicted by others (intentionally or not)

I think it's a thing in state primaries, I've been 23 years in an independent senior with very active sports etc. if I reported every bruise spotted to the DSL I would end up on every miserable duty by way of revenge!

Not knocking caution, but it's not everywhere.