DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

Because hitting your child and then depriving them of their education doesn't start to build a horrible picture at all.

@Wallywobbles I wonder this as well...

It probably depends on a lot of factors, including intelligence. It's very obvious that there are a lot of learning-disabled 12+ stone adult men who are in long-term supported living arrangements because they don't really understand what's going on, have sensory challenges, and lack the tools to emotional regulate. Think of Katy Price's son.

However, as autistic adults are apparently less likely to be violent/aggressive than the population at large, I'd assume most people grow out of it. The book "The Explosive Child" (which I'd recommend to the OP) suggests it's lagging emotional skills, which are usually caught up on eventually.

Our DS7 has asynchronous development to the extreme and is dealing with being developmentally 8, 15 and 5 years old - depending on what's being measured. He also has severe sensory issues. In short, it's emotionally difficult to be him right now, but we're hoping - with help - that everything will even out and he'll get there eventually.

@PumpkinPumping there is, unfortunately, no situation where accusing someone's DH of abusing their DC as respectful expression of a different opinion. No caring teacher or loving parent could see that implication as anything except horrifying, distressing and revolting.

I'd tell them. Last year when DD was 5, I had to take her to school with a massive black eye. We couldn't even tell them what happened because she woke up like that - all we could think is that she fell out of bed at one point, hit her face on something and then went back to sleep.

We didn't get reported to SS, however that might have been because DD appeared to love the attention and was happily boasting about her black eye the second we got through the gates.

Things have obviously changed since my day, unless it was relevant to school, ie, DD hurt her knee so can't do PE, I would never have thought of mentioning a bump or bruise to the school. It almost sounds like guilt to be rushing to explain how a bruise happened, do teachers really examine children for bruises these days? I know children apparently don't play out as much, but bumps and bruises were really common just from children being children back in the day.

Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, do this.

If anyone became aware she’d been intentionally kept away from school in order to conceal a parent inflicted bruise…

honestly absolutely the best policy. I really hope you get further support. You sound entirely sensible!

Well I suppose this really depends on the individual but the reason I learnt restraint training in a special school was because, yes, as some children get older they will continue to have violent meltdowns and hurt themselves and others. Sometimes this will mean being in a three or four person hold to safely restrain a young person. None of this nice buts it’s preferable to harm being done.

in terms of learning control, takes a lot of work with the individual on emotional regulation and managing triggers etc. It can be done though, in my school there was a boy who was notoriously difficult to calm in primary school and would be in holds frequently, for safety. By year 11 he was completely different and worlds better at avoiding meltdowns. This is essentially why schools that can support SEN/complex SEN are so important, it can take a lot of dedicated time and effort to help young people regulate their emotions.

@LasagneLasagne Absolutely. His previous class teacher told me it was my anxiety causing his behaviour and I needed to be calmer around him!!!

I think they thought he was late to school because I couldn’t organise myself, not because it had taken me an hour and a half to get him into his clothes because “they don’t feel right”.

Edited for typos.

Genuine question as I have no experience of this at all. What happens as kids who have meltdowns like this as they get older, bigger and stronger? Are they still trying to hit you with objects? Do they learn more control?

People expressing different viewpoints are not yelling, they are sharing their opinions respectfully.

When the OP mentions the teacher saying "I know what the DD is like", this is a euphemism for "myself and other children have also been violently assaulted by DD likely leading to staff members having to be called in from other rooms to help safely restrain her."

Absolutely. However, this child deserves protection from parents and teachers who either haven’t learned how to effectively manage her meltdowns or become frustrated in those moments. None of the people commenting on this thread can definitively say which situation applies.

Hiding the signs of physical injury inflicted by a parent is never the way to go. Thankfully the OP chose to be honest and transparent, which is in the best interest of her child. The teacher may well be frustrated, exasperated or even fed up and not like this girl much as she cause them trouble. Will these teachers go over and above to ensure safeguarding standards are upheld? I hope so.

Same here. My DS has never been totally disregulated at school.
I'm sure that the school think I'm making things up when I tell them about how he struggles at home.I'M

Yes, we did when I hit our son on the head with a radiator

It's all very well saying this BUT you are acting as though it was u Who did it. Why is HE not posting in a panic? Why you? Why are you looking for parenting course? If it was me who had done this to my child, I would be sorting it Myself, pronto

Like many posters, I don't understand the mechanism here, but I can see how the scenario described could lead to a legitimate accident. As @casapenguin mentions, it's really important to know safe methods of restraint because, otherwise, you could end up flailing around trying to protect yourself or a vulnerable family member, and hurting a DC in the process.

When the OP mentions the teacher saying "I know what the DD is like", this is a euphemism for "myself and other children have also been violently assaulted by DD likely leading to staff members having to be called in from other rooms to help safely restrain her."

It's not nice and no one wants to talk about it, but it does happen, and being judgy and yelling about abuse when a family is struggling just makes you look like a judgemental twerp.

OP it might be helpful to get some restraint training, this will also give some strategies for deescalation. It’s empowering to know how to safely physically restrain a child in meltdown and actually sometimes being held will provide a a kind of physical reassurance that can calm children. It’s not nice to think about ‘restraint’ but it can prevent situations escalating and will ideally stop people getting hurt. I had this training working in a special school where it was invaluable, it was always a last resort but sometimes that is what it comes to. It may also be helpful if school staff get proper training as often it’s not given in mainstream which can lead to unsafe, ad hoc holds or staff being hurt - which will often lead to a difficult time in school.

Please explain what you think the obligation of schools is. Myself and other posters have repeatedly tried to explain school procedures on this thread and are being ignored.

You are wrong @Londonwriter I just happen to think that a child who is autistic also deserves to not be hit in the heat of the moment and if it does happen that it doesn't get covered up. Many posters were uncomfortable about the finger marks and how that could have happened by deflecting an object. People normally duck or deflect, they don't lash out when something comes flying at them, I am still confused about it. A pp recommended safe restraining techniques, the dad will do well, learning these and other deescalation methods. Hearing OP say the teacher knows what Op's dd is like is also a bit 🤔. She did well reporting it to the school. I wonder what her husband is thinking about all this.

You don't need to apologise.

Posters like @PumpkinPumping patently have never seen a DC with emotional regulation challenges having a meltdown. If they had, they wouldn't be so judgemental.