DH accidentally hit DD(7) and left a mark. Do we tell the school what happend?

It's not sinister, though it is pretty terrible to be on the recieving end. It's a meltdown, and it's very distressing for DS as well as he hates himself for it afterwards.

Oh my god. That's terrible, sinister behavior

I have a DF who has a teenager with ASD getting school involved never worked out ever. All they did was take it as DF not coping and reporting to social services (not even anything close to what happened with OPs child). And in turn they were told if yo I can't cope then said child wilp be rehomed in foster care 🤬

This

Thanks, @Noras. This is kind and useful.

@Noras thank you for you post, it really helps to feel we are not alone. Very giod advice.

Just to say, it happens!
DS has autism and if you ask him where the scratch on his arm came from he would say « mum scratched me » which is technically true, even though the context was that I was trying to grab his arm to prevent him from throwing his dinner plate at his sibling.
Or the time he thew a book at me, I held me hands up vertically in a reflex to protect my face, the book bounced on my flat hands and hit him in the face leaving a mark. Again, he would say « mum threw a book at me ».
We have been lucky that any such marks have never been questioned but it is something that worries me.

Also whilst I think about it

We had a little box of curiosities with squiggly toys, tactile stuff and chews that helped. He wore a chew around his neck.

We kept walls clear but we always had a basket of books to read with a cosy corner.

We gave our son a clear timetable of the day and also what he was going to eat etc and tried to stick to it.

Walk charts for behaviour

We insisted on routine exercise eg swimming 3 times per week as it really helped regulate.

Texture time eg cooking together helps as a bonding thing

He had a tent we would roll around in or take books into. Just a safe space.

We had a trampoline and made regular trips to playgrounds for the SPD issues

My biggest regret was not getting respite when my son was younger I should have photographed my bruises and said I needed time out. No one can exaggerate how it feels as a 7 or 8 year old wallops you. It’s really unpleasant and all you can do is defend yourself or take preemptive action. However you can’t control the environment around you that fuel the outbursts.

Get a social worker ASAP! It’s a positive and get direct payments. Are you getting carers or DLA? Use it to get time off but you might have to use an older person or an agency.

See this as a positive to get help as she is only bring to try bigger.

Lots of people can be critical but as someone who had to take my shoes off and drop bag to chase after a 10 year old across an expanse of green I feel for you. I also experienced wetting myself because my son freaked out about me leaving him to go to the toilet and at aged 10 he was too big to go in the ladies or disabled toilet with me.

Being persistently whacked it is really painful.

You can be trained in all the strategies but it still not 100% controllable.

The child is still the innocent in all this but I could imagine deflecting and in the process accidentally hurting the child - did not happen to me but push n someone off you for eg could result in finger marks.

Overall my child had an excellent attendance record and behaviour record at school but as he got older we all had to deal with the head banging and the anger etc.

1 I learnt to ensure kid was safe and then walked away

2 Once away do controlled breathing or just have a scream

3 If the child is a harm threat do learn deep pressure if your child responds to that.

4 Try to cut it off at the pass eg as soon as you get to see the signs. It’s better not to have the break down eg ensure not too tired, not hungry, not overstimulated or in a sensory healthy environment.

5 Keep a diary of triggers also use the card system eg red to yellow.

6 Clear rules, timetable and structure also visual aids in the house

7 A peaceful home with no clutter - keep things tidy and have a clear quiet spot for your child.

I think you handled it well OP. I can’t believe some PP were telling you to keep her off school until the mark faded, that would actually be a form of abuse in its own right and likely cause her to internalise it as punishment. I hope those PP are not parents or they need to wobble their own heads.

If anything it will help highlight how the behaviour is impacting and prioritise the need for support.

The OP did not describe her daughter lashing out in a blind panic! She described her husband lashing out.

You seem to be of the belief that the (any) parent of an autistic child can never be guilty of overstepping the mark (even when they've freely admitted they did), which is frankly an appalling position to take.

The tone of (pretty much all) your replies leaves much to be desired. Name calling 'twerps' stupid etc seems to be your default - it's perhaps worth reflecting on that.

My son would be quite aggressive when little and indeed head butted me on the nose and also covered me with bruises.
i called it ‘child abuse’ when the child abused the adult. Often I was in tears as it hurt. A 7 year old child can really hurt an adult.

My instincts were to grab DS from behind and lock him into a deep hug and rock him. The deep pressure worked for him. He was usually overwhelmed by it all and once deep hugged would fall asleep.

When he got older and if he chucked heavy stuff I would not engage but observe from a safe distance. I remember him chucking garden furniture around.

As an adult he has been trained to re regulate himself -‘it can get better.

You need to understand the triggers before it gets to a meltdown. Also there is usually a sign that an eruption is coming so move to a safe place where there is less chance of harm.

It is very hard and exhausting and you might need to get respite.

I don't have kids, so that's why I asked.

Three fingers would show in PE on an upper arm if grabbed, I agree a 7yr old against a grown man is no contest. I was inclined to think that if it was a one off, it could be that the child might suffer more from investigation if reported, but obviously if it is not on an obvious place, then the OP should report it, if only to help the father understand that he cannot do that.

You are one very angry person. It used to be the case that parents shouldn't be afraid to show anger, as it helps the child to justify it's own anger.

It can develop into a vicious circle, neither one knowing when to stop. Does one anger ever justify another?

I wish people who didn't know anything about 'autistic' and 'very big meltdown' (literally, second paragraph of the OP original post) wouldn't keep turning up on this thread like clueless tourists.

About half of them contribute stupid advice and the other half are like "not enough posters are humiliating their own DC by describing their autistic meltdowns in nauseating detail, so I don't understand why the OP's DH wasn't inexplicably beating up a 7 year old. Its your job, other posters on this thread, to educate me."

If you don't have a DC who has 'very big autistic meltdowns', please go back and read @EilonwyWithRedGoldHair's post and decide if you have anything to contribute. You probably don't 🤔

Just to explain, autism is associated with differences in sensory processing, and some DCs can get overwhelmed very easily - literally their fight/flight reflexes trigger. This can lead to some DCs lashing out in a blind panic, as if in a fight to the death - it's not 'a temper' anymore than dogs fighting have 'a temper'.

Needless to say, if you've ever had your dog viciously attacked by another dog, offering the dogs a tasty treat doesn't work and, sure thing, bring your custom fat suit to put your dog into... I'll wait (with an ambulance on standby). In fact, if your whippet gets savaged by a bichon frise, you can always wade in mid-fight to slip the bichon into a hot dog costume, your whippet into a superman costume, and then put on an adult bee suit yourself - fun for all the family🙄

I'll unwatch this thread now, before I have an aneurysm from all the stupid.

Yes, but they’re not usually finger marks are they. If you’ve got kids or work with them, think about all those knocks they get from the sort of thing you’re talking about, and the sort of bruises and marks they’ve got from them. Then think about the number of times they’ve had actual finger-shaped bruises. More worrying isn’t it?

A child that rolls around cannot pick anything up to chuck. Buy an adult bee suit and join in.

If you think that is crazy I am sorry for you.

A peculiar simile. I didn't find it difficult to get medicine into my cat. It was a few years ago now. Fat suits come in all shapes and sizes. You seem to have missed the point.

If the child is your own, you can see the signs before it is too late. Sometimes children take their cue from the alarm on the adult's face.

Children love to dress up as bees, redcurrants, blueberries, oranges. What is wrong with that? A child with a temper can be persuaded to dress up. It may even be enough to defuse the situation, turning a temper into fun.

Of course by the time the child is 9 or 10 it might be more difficult to play games, but by then you will have a fair idea of what will work.

Another way of diffusing a situation like that is a fizzy drink. It distracts the mind. It also works in teens and young adults who are bipolar.

Tell the school the truth about what happened. I've worked with students who've had limbs accidentally broken by their Dads... Them coming into school saying "My Dad broke my arm!" does require explanation. Parents accidentally injured kids. It happens. Abused kids generally have bruises that are more hidden 😔. They may have to make a note for Safeguarding but I doubt it will get taken any further.

I really do feel for you but am I right in understanding that you think it's ok for 1 child to die so that 99 other families are not inconvenienced? Probably not even that for most of them as the vast majority of reports never actually lead to action. Apologies if I have misunderstood.

😂

This has to win the prize for most batshit advice on MN ever?

Have you ever tried to get medicine into a cat? Think of that energy when you think of a child in meltdown. Then imagine trying to get a custom made fat suit onto them and a 7 year old is significantly bigger and heavier than a cat.

@Moonshiners my grandson is the same. He's not had any massive meltdowns, takes himself off to decompress. Not ideal, suits him though.

If it was genuinely an accident just keep your daughter off school. Last thing you want is social services all over you.

I'm not trying to say anything, I'm explicitly saying there's nothing in the OP's posts that can be referenced to justify such excessive force! Nothing whatsoever. No immediate danger to life, nor risk of serious injury - a 7 year old girl holding something she may or may not have decided to throw. The empathetic examples given from other parents all involve entirely different scenarios.