Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

Sure, but that’s on the parents. It isn’t on OP to be the person to pick up the slack.

It may be a different perspective, but it still boils down to the same thing: putting it on someone that isn’t responsible for the child, to suck up being dumped on.

Because the men can’t be expected to be responsible for anything!

just like in the title the OP saw it as helping the ex rather than helping her partner or heaven forbid supporting her stepson!

Presumably because there are regular after-school clubs/hobbies which the OP's step-son goes to when he is in his mother's care and his father either chooses not to get involved with them or isn't allowed to get involved by his ex?

How can it be his exes fault that he doesn't know about his son's hobbies?

Why should you automatically change plans but the parents don’t have to?
First and foremost this is the mum and dad’s responsibility.
You had plans and you aren’t obligated to change them for anyone. It was your decision.
For something like a presentation firm plans should have been made ages ago. How come dad wasn’t invited and was only contacted when ex had transport issues?

It's the ex's fault. Why on earth hasn't she arranged the time off already with work, blocked out her calendar when she knew about it. Its unfair to expect you to drop something when it was poor planning on her behalf

I’m not implying it’s OP’s fault or responsibility, I was merely putting a different perspective on it. It’s always the child who misses out in these situations, and yes it usually is the BM’s lack of planning or the father’s lack of knowledge into their own kids lives.
I’m merely pointing out the other side of these situations is always an upset kid.

TwitchyNibbles · Today 17:55

If had been just a regular footie practice I wouldn't have done it either. For a presentation I think it was a bit mean of you to not give the gym a miss as a one-off.

The lad's mother was far meaner, because she knew about it in advance, but didn't arrange time off, or for another relative to take him.

Because of not even telling your DH about the presentation, I think you did the right thing not changing your plans.
Maybe DH can make a point of telling her to let him know when SS has a special event and he’ll make sure at least one of you can go.

It’s just sad for the child as always.

If had been just a regular footie practice I wouldn't have done it either. For a presentation I think it was a bit mean of you to not give the gym a miss as a one-off. It would have meant a lot to him to go I'm sure and it's hardly his fault his parents got stuck at work.

The ‘but’ is always used to put the onus on women, and it usually women, to just suck it up and do what’s dumped on them anyway, because ‘the children’.

No, the stepson’s presentation is not more important than OP’s plans for her evening. She made sure to arrange childcare for her own child, she’s not there to pick up the slack for her stepson’s mother failing to do the same for hers.

diddl · Today 16:45

So it's her fault he didn't know & therefore book time off?

I think so, along with her son, unless he thought that his mother was taking him and expected his dad to be at work. That wasn't stated.

GRex · Today 16:32

Sometimes work gets tricky, we can't know that mum knew everything in advance.

The OP stated that she did know, but didn't tell the dad until just before he told her.

I think you’re thinking too much of how this situation affects or is affected by the adults in the dynamic. Yes, the ex is a PITA and you’re probably fed up of all of the last minute requests and demands. Yes, your DH should probably grow a backbone and deal with ex better. Yes, it’s annoying to cancel or change plans to accommodate these things.
But. What about your SS and your relationship with him? Ultimately he’s the one who missed on quite a big night, how does he feel about that? I’m not saying it’s your fault he couldn’t go but you were in the position to make it happen for him and you didn’t.
I’m step mom too and if I’d been in this situation, (and my husbands ex is a MASSIVE dick) I’d have put my DSD’s feelings first and taken her to the thing. She’s the most important thing and if I can do something to prevent her being upset I’ll do it.

For myself, the sex of the child does not matter. If it had been a girl's football team presentation I would have taken her. All the adults in this child's life are incompetent and mostly self-absorbed.

That’s a tricky one, mainly because it involves politics of co parenting.

personally I would have rearranged the gym and gone to the presentation for the child .

I agree it could have been handled better - by both mum and dad and you - and now you’re being made to be the scapegoat.

but the child has to come first . Kids know who shows up for them .

I also would have been slightly annoyed at missing out on my downtime and the money - but it wouldn’t have come before my step kid .

going forward it might be a good idea to ask to sign up for school/ sports clubs emails ( well your husband at least) so you know about things like this going forward too .

The boy's mother knew well in advance. Despite knowing well in advance, she didn't tell his father.

So it's her fault he didn't know & therefore book time off?

Sometimes work gets tricky, we can't know that mum knew everything in advance. If it was an important presentation then you would expect an involved dad to actually know about it. You would expect mum or dad to offer grandparents money to take a taxi, call friends from the club, etc. Given that the actual relatives seem useless, it's a shame for the boy that the step parents don't care either. Not that this step mum should have to fill the gap (and certainly not doing more than mum and dad), just a shame.

GRex · Today 15:23

We've got 6 adults here, none of whom prioritised the boy, as well as a raft of friend options that could have been explored.

The main point is this:

The boy's mother knew well in advance. Despite knowing well in advance, she didn't tell his father.

Despite knowing in advance, she didn't book time off work.

Despite knowing in advance, she decided to dump the job on step mum, with no notice and called he unreasonable for not dropping her plans and losing money.

There were a lot of options here.

1. SS and grandparents get a taxi
2. Either parent defer their extra work for an hour or so to support
3. Ask parents of a friend from the club
4. Change your PT day and take the toddler so your mum might do the other day
5. Step dad the other side go along with his kids.

We've got 6 adults here, none of whom prioritised the boy, as well as a raft of friend options that could have been explored. I don't think you're more culpable than any of the others of course, less so than the parents, but I do think it's extremely sad that everyone is happy to waste time fighting instead of putting in a few hours for something that's important to the kid.

The poor kid.

i doubt she couldn’t get out of work. The fact she’s informed you at the last minute and expected you to pick up the pieces!

It depends on the relationship. ISTR that the OP mentioned other problems upthread.

I told my my husband's ex that she was welcome to attend his funeral. I would have agreed that her current BF attend with her, but we we were under lockdown restrictions and numbers were limited, so he waited outside the crematorium for her. However, her behaviour before and after the funeral was unacceptable. (I'm not speaking about the actual day of the funeral.) I finally snapped about a month later and my husband's children - well over 50 have gone no-contact.

I understand their decision. Their mother has to come first for them.

Why must she be joking? What's wrong with her mum looking after her toddler so that she can go to the gym three times a week?

It's not like she's asked her step-son's mum to do it.

The post you quoted wasn't posted by the OP.

Dontcallmescarface · Today 11:11

I'm guessing the mother knew about the presentation at least a week before it happened so she could have sorted something out then, but once again it's the step-mother that is blamed for the mother's faults.

Precisely! And as mentioned, it would have a good chance of the OP getting pressured into doing more and more on her own time, when the actual mother didn't feel like it.