Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

A very clear message that his step mother's sporting commitments don't come second to his sporting commitments. What is wrong with that message?

It's important for children to know the world doesn't revolve around them and that mothers / step mothers have their own rights, hobbies and boundaries. She sounds like a better role model than the people suggesting that the mother should put his football presentation ahead of her work (!), or that the step mother should cancel at the last minute on her PT.

The kid will be disappointed. That's ok. That's life. Football is not so important. Certainly not important enough to start treating the SM like a second class citizen.

And the trainer does what with the empty hour?

Could you not have had a catch up session so you still got all your sessions you paid for?

U never need to allow urself to be used or taken a loan of by others.
Period.
A grown adult can say no to requests without having insults thrown their way.

U choose to say yes to wider family. That's lovely. U don't walk in OPs shoes. Leave her alone. She's not selfish. It's the mum who is selfish and nasty.

Okay, that was your choice 🤷🏻‍♀️ doesn’t mean it’s going to be everyone’s, or needs to be. I wouldn’t blow off a gym session either.

You aren’t required to like it.

I’ve gone to my nieces show when parents couldn’t make it. I’ve picked up my friends kid from school when they were poorly. You show up for kids. It wasn’t my responsibility- but I also wouldn’t be going to the gym instead. I don’t know when it became ok to be selfish and feel good about it, but I don’t like it.

It isn’t his stepmother’s, or his stepfather’s, responsibility.

I don’t see anything wrong with telling him key dates once she knows. I thought this was just a normal thing to do between parents who aren’t together.

I mean I’m all for the bar being high when it comes to men taking responsibility for themselves. But I just don’t think this is actually one of those times where it should always be implemented because it could put the child in a vulnerable position.

Once one parent knows then they should just tell the other one about the important date and then the child is in a much stronger position to be able to go to their event. No need to withhold the information.

The mother is a legal assistant and it is not vital for legal assistants to work late. My guess is that the mother wanted the overtime offered. She wasn't going to cause loss of life, or lose her job, if she'd said no to staying late and explained that her son had a football presentation she needed to attend. Blaming her ex's current partner for not taking up the slack she'd left is the lowest of the low.

It’s bad that his parents couldn’t go, which is made even worse by his step mum not being arsed.

Absolutely. Spot on.
The mums behaviour is awful and the fact that that blame for SS not getting to his event has now shifted to the OP (stepmum)...my goodness!
I personally find that disgusting.
I would be setting very clear boundaries with DH re how she speaks to you (if she needs to speak to you at all.)
Not a nice person!

That isn't true. This is what OP said:
SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him.
She was stuck at work. Whether she could have told them she would leave and finish up late at night is not something even OP could know. The parents had a few hours to work something out, but both were at work. I don't feel that excuses either of them. Poor kid.

Apologies if I have missed this, but was being stuck at work the mom's fault? Was it something she could have got out of but selfishly chose not to? Or, perhaps for example she is a HCP and there was a massive, totally unpredictable RTA she had to help with - I dunno.....

In terms of whether OP should have done it - I guess it depends what sort of relationship she has with her stepson and what she wants to have? I would put myself out for my SS because I love him - not like my own child - but like a nephew at least - I'd be happy to take him and enjoy seeing him get an award or whatever. (He's grown up now, but I am imagining the equivalent).

OP doesn't HAVE to do it. But equally she has to accept that in human relationships, you tend to get out what you put in. If she doesn't put herself out for SS ever, their relationship is unlikely to be a close one. And possibly she is ok with that......

How is it even worse that someone with zero responsibility for him ‘couldn’t be arsed’?

I know he only just found out-but why is that?

Why didn't he know there was a presentation & had arranged time off to see it?

Does he not talk to his son to find out these things?

Not a clue. In this case it was the mother asking OP to step in for her, hence why it would be doing her a favor.

Yeah he probably would wonder why his parents couldn’t make it with legit work reasons. which is then even worse that his stepmom couldn’t be arsed.

Poor kid.

So he'd have been bothered about that, but not bothered that neither of his parents were there? It sounds like his dad hasn't ever bothered finding out what's going on so he can plan ahead and expects his partner to drop everything when stuff like this happens to me.

i see things like this and think no wonder we still have the wicked stepmother stereotype.

If I were him and my step mum chose a fucking gym class I would get a very clear message. Selfish woman.

I would have taken friends kids, nevermind my stepson.

I possibly would have for the child's sake rather than out of a sense of duty, however if I did it would definitely be followed by some serious words with DH. If she doesn't let him know about events and stuff if they're nearly 50/50 at 3 nights a week has he done much to find out when stuff is going on? Surely nearly half of it falls on his contact days? His son is old enough to let his dad know ahead of time surely? You aren't being unreasonable in not going, it's unreasonable no one was there because of poor organisation by his parents.

So the mother does the activities and why isn’t the father paying attention?

No I wouldn’t have cancelled, the mum doesn’t get to treat you like crap and then you run around when she wants.

diddl · Today 18:17

How can it be his exes fault that he doesn't know about his son's hobbies?

Because, as OP stated, the dad only found out just before OP. You can say that it's the lad's fault for not telling him and I'd agree, but as the OP said, the lad's mother knew all about it and left it till the last minute.

She should have organised time off, or told his dad that she couldn't get time off and that dad should do it. Not tell him a few hours beforehand.

I hope that makes sense.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · Today 18:14

Why should you automatically change plans but the parents don’t have to?

Don't make my mistake and bang your head off the wall like I have!

Presumably because it was the ex that was supposed to take him.