Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

YANBU

It appears both parents want to shift the guilt from themselves onto you. I would have left work to go to an important event for my kiddo. And (no offence) but I’m pretty sure he would have wanted his parents there to celebrate with him - including your DH, who I would have expected to have booked off work if it’s that important to his son.

Grandparents don't drive, but mum could have paid for a taxi.

Well done for refusing to be pushed around by the mother, especially when she didn't tell the kids dad there was an event until she wanted a favour.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat any reason you had to quote when you’ve posted directly after me?

The step father was with his own children - could be not enough seats in the car/he sees them outside of the home and is unable to be there for step son. The OP has already explained why he wasn’t able to do it….

So Ambulance Crews sat outside the hospital at the end of their shift should just leave the patient in the carpark? Police at a major incident should just walk off when their shift ends? Firefighters should leave mid fire because their shift is over? Care workers should leave when the person they cared for has just died and there's paperwork to do?
I worked in a children's home, I had multiple occasions that I had to let my own children down when I really didn't want to, simply because I needed to finish dealing with an incident before leaving. I didn't like it, but in the real world there are jobs that you can't just up and leave.

Any reason the step father couldn't prioritise his step son?

You’ve been in his life for quite a few years if you’ve already got a toddler with his dad so yes, I think it’s incredibly shitty you couldn’t prioritise your step son over your gym habit. That poor kid.

I would have tried to change my PT session, but not cancel

It's a hard one, if it was a one off I would have taken him, but then it's a slippery slope and if you could do it once would you be expected to be able to do it every time

But then, how was she stuck at work - was she mid surgery? I can't think of many professions where you would be stuck at work

Sorry I dont agree. You marry someone knowing they have kids and you are the parent when they are with you (even if not biological). You are invested in that kids life and they see you as a parent. The “excuse” of the kid not being hers is callous. But then I am that parents who goes to everything for my kids and when other parents can’t go to football games for example I cheer for those kids because they don’t have anyone there for them.

Youre right the OP does have the liberty to do what she wants but she should also have done the right thing by this poor kid who has done nothing wrong and isn’t to blame. It’s just plain selfish behaviour.

She is blaming the ex and her partner and not putting the kid first. If it were me in that exact place I would have cancelled the appointment and taken the kid. If her kid was sick for example which is also an unexpected situation and she had to cancel that would have been fine. The double standard just because he’s a step kid is very sad.

Would your SS’s Mum cancel her plans to pick up your child?
if the answer is an outright no, then the conversation is null and void in my opinion.

Yes, she’s very much as liberty to only do things that are convenient to her when it comes to the stepson, on account of not being his parent.

She had plans and had arranged her own childcare around them. That the parents had to work didn’t make this her problem.

YABU

The parents were busy and working so not lazy or couldn’t be asked. This sounds like the first time so it’s not like the ex is asking all the time.

What a wonderful message to send to your stepson. I’ll on,y be there for you when it’s convenient for me.

His parents let him down and instead of being the hero you put yourself first. What a missed opportunity to spend time with him and make him feel he is important to you.

You want to feel justified for being selfish and I don’t agree. Always put the kids first. What if he won an award and no one was there to smile at him and clap for him?

Shame on you.

TBH who was it you’d actually have been ‘helping out’ - your DH’s ex or your stepson? Because it was the kid who lost out here.

I mean ultimately he’s not your responsibility and you were well within your rights to say no, but I do think it’s pretty shit to leave a kid to miss out on something when it was avoidable, particularly if it was work stuff his parents were caught up with and genuinely couldn’t get away.

Mum isn’t selfish
Dad isn’t selfish
Stepdad isn’t selfish
Grandparents aren’t selfish

Stepmum is selfish no matter what she might have been doing that evening. Sounds about right.

So in her world and your DH world

• she isn’t selfish by prioritising work
• her fella isn’t selfish by prioritising taking out his own kids
• Your DH/her co parent isn’t selfish by workinG
• YOU alone are selfish by abiding by your pre arranged plans.

On that basis alone they could whistle if they thought they would get any further help from me. It’s not for other people to decide what you spend your free time on

Obviously, it's not ideal to be asked at the last minute but I wouldn't see it as helping her out - I would see it as doing something for your stepson and as such I would probably have done it. I would expect your partner to be grateful and reimburse you if you're out of pocket though!

I live by the mantra kids come first either my own or my partner's kids.
If it's something for my kids that clashes with his kids then mine take priority and vice versa. But if it's something for me then the kids take priority - that's what good parents and good step parents do.
A sports presentation is once a year, you go to the gym 156 times a year!
Just make sure in the future you never forgo the gym to do something for your kids!

A couple of things for me

DSS should be priority
Dad should make sure he is as aware of things in his sons life as mum is It's not always women's work !
Any PT I have worked with would have let me rearrange just as I have rearranged for them when need be

@Phonicshaskilledmeoff

It’s bad that his parents couldn’t go, which is made even worse by his step mum not being arsed.
But no judgement of the step father huh?
The child was on their mum's contact time so it is far more reasonable that her partner takes up the slack. Not the OP.
Always the woman huh?

But the child is also her partners stepchild. And as it is during her contact time it makes much more sense that HER partner takes on the task not the OP.
The partner was not working. He was parenting at that time. Just as easy to work around as the OPs plans were.

But it's your step child. People have to work. Unless she has firm for doing this I'd have done it as it's for the child's sake, no one else's.

I'd have taken DSS if it was a Special Event.

If the trainer had been ok with it obviously. OP already said trainer lovely guy who probably wouldn't have charged her so I'm sure he would have tried to squeeze her in at another time so neither were out of pocket?

Well said, @muggart

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · Yesterday 21:49

I’ve gone to my nieces show when parents couldn’t make it. I’ve picked up my friends kid from school when they were poorly. You show up for kids. It wasn’t my responsibility- but I also wouldn’t be going to the gym instead.

Did you drop an expensive, prepaid activity, with a couple of hours of notice? I'd certainly help out if I could, but if I had plans and the person asking for help dumped it on me a few hours beforehand, I'd say no.

diddl · Yesterday 19:27

Why didn't he know there was a presentation & had arranged time off to see it?
Does he not talk to his son to find out these things?

It's not specified, but I'm assuming that the boy mostly lives with his mother, so the school / club sends the information to her. It seems that the arrangement was for the mother to take him, but she didn't arrange time off. If she'd told the dad in plenty of time and asked him to take the boy, that would have been sensible.

As it is, she knew about it and didn't take time off. You don't just get stuck at work, if you have booked time off.