Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

What would you have done if it were your child? If I'd entered into a marriage with a man with a child, I would probably treat his children the same as mine, especially if it weren't really that big of a deal. Like cancelling your PT

I would have taken him
Why does his dad not know about football things anyway? I’d be making sure I knew about things like this without relying on my ex, does his dad never take him to football?

Well said 👏

Yes… this

Can't see any response to this question that was asked earlier. Why didn't the mum (or dad) pay for the grandparents to take the child there and back in a taxi? Okay, if no taxi available I understand. But was there a taxi? The SS was with grandparents who were with him but they can't drive - why not just pay for a taxi on this special occasion and move on?

I don't know why the mother has OPs phone number. I don't know why it is more OP's responsibility than it is the mother's partner's opportunity to help out.

In the middle of this is a child. I would have taken him to his presentation if all else failed and husband would reimburse the PT session because I would have made him. But this is for the child's benefit. All the adults in this are crap at seeing what matters: a little boy who needs an adult (any adult) to rely on.

You weren't invited to the presentation originally but are expected to drop everything at the 11th hour and attend? No, you are not unreasonable.

Poor boy. This was your chance to be a good Stepmum, put all your feelings for your DH’s ex aside, and show him that he can rely on you. If you’re going to be in his life long-term, wouldn’t that be a better foundation to build your relationship on?

Both parents, the boys mum and dad were both working. Based on what the OP said about the PT being a lovely person he may well have worked with her re getting another session in at a different time so no one was out of pocket. It was a presentation so unless the mum has form for never attending these kinds of things I would have put the stepson before a gym session.

Except is often used to dress up being a doormat as something to aspire to.

It’s arguably easier to bow to pressure and do what you think you ‘should’ do, what you believe is more likely to get you a pat on the back and praised, what is more likely to not get you judgement you’ve been socialized to fear, regardless of whether you actually want to or not. That said, I’m not sure why you’re presenting doing something harder as inherently better by virtue of it being harder.

I go to the gym a lot and I’d really resent missing a session but would prob try and rearrange. Harder if it’s a PT. I’d also have tried to look at paying for a taxi for the grandparents to take and then collecting them all at the end (if that would work). But no, I don’t think you are selfish, esp given it was short notice.

Because this is a forum and we're not the only ones posting. For all I knew someone else might have posted between us and my reply wouldn't have made sense 🙄

The OP has also explained why she was unable to do it, she had a booked and paid for appointment and was asked in the afternoon to take the kid in the evening. Would it have been different if she had a medical appointment and couldn't take him?

This. Being kind isn’t being a doormat. Being helpful and not selfish doesn’t mean that you are a doormat either.

Being a good person isn’t always easy but it’s harder than taking the easy way of only thinking about yourself.

You sound alike a very nice person and I’m sure all around you appreciate you.

The mother in this scenario is a legal assistant. She can in fact, up and leave. Not doing so was a choice.

One wonders why either the mum or your DH couldn't have funded a taxi/paid for a mini cab to take SS AND grandparents there and back, grandparents who presumably miss out on a lot of stuff that grandkids do due to the usual restrictions on numbers. Cheaper cost than a PT gym session too.

Sorry yabu I think. You could have missed one gym class. But then again both his parents are also a bit shit for not not prioritising this over work.

You say to the OP that 'you are the parent when they are with you (even if not biological)'.

Her step-son wasn't with her. This happened on his day with his mum. His mum has a partner but he wasn't asked to do it.

The OP already had plans and in order to carry out those plans, she had left her own child with her mother. She comes at the bottom of the list of people who should have changed their plans.

You’re the one that felt the need to state what you would do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, and it’s fine to choose to put yourself first. Putting yourself last doesn’t make one a good person - or a happy one for that matter - it makes one a doormat. The presentation was not more important than OP having the gym time that is clearly valuable to her. She had the good sense to plan ahead and organize child care for her own child, that her stepson’s mother didn’t isn’t her problem to solve.

I don’t hold being ‘selfish’ as some inherently bad thing that women in particular are supposed to fear being called.

I agree with others. Pretty selfish to make him miss out on a presentation event for a bloody gym class that you do 3 times a week. I feel sorry for his son. Do you have absolutely no care / stepmom role to him? Strange dynamic.

Of course they aren’t obliged and I understand your point (which for some reason you have now made personal). You are factually correct. I just think she’s being selfish aside from the factual points you have raised.

Always a choice to did the right thing and be a good person even when you don’t have to or want to. She factually doesn’t “have to” you’re right. But she should because it’s the right thing to do for a kid.

The definition is being selfish is to out yourself first or to lack consideration for another person so factually it is correct to say she is being selfish.

I think it's really sad that out of 6 people not one could this kid to his presentation!

How did you and your DH not know about it when he's with you 3 nights a week. Surely it would have been mentioned. Do you and DH go to his games?

The only person who's lost out is that poor kid. I think you should have gone. Everyone else was working or couldn't drive. Missing the gym was the easiest option to get him there and wouldn't have been that detrimental to you.

I feel sad for that kid 😞

You don’t have to agree. A stepparent isn’t a parent, and isn’t responsible for their stepchild. That isn’t an opinion by the way, that’s a statement of fact. A stepparent may choose to assume parental responsibilities, legally recognized or not, but they absolutely do not have to do so.

No, the kid isn’t to blame, but nor is OP. It isn’t on her to put herself out because the kid’s parents can’t take him somewhere. If they were still together and both were stuck at work then the kid would have had to miss out then too. That’s life. Kids don’t have to come first at all times, and certainly a stepparent isn’t obliged to pick up the slack for the actual parents.

What you choose to do is irrelevant, no one is obliged to follow your example (or to want to).

The parents could have asked a parent-friend to pick up and drop home their child, if neither could take time off work. I do it for my fellow parents all the time, as we just can't do everything.

The OP is doing well to include herself in her priorities. 3 exercise sessions a week for her physical and mental health, alongside working and caring for her own child, is a good, healthy balance.

I do feel sad for the child who wasn't celebrated with his team, with doting parents looking on.

Isn’t the ops question whether or not she was selfish?

Also, I think work is a legitimate reason…. But not a gym class.

For the record if mum had to work late and stepdad wanted to go to the gym instead of help his step son, I’d also think that was selfish.

If he was with his grandparents perhaps you could have given them a lift even if it meant them going early, so then you could have headed to your gym session.
They could have then made their own way back after the presentation.
My child his on a football team and would be so gutted to have missed his yearly presentation, I would have helped to get him there.

No, they should have booked the time off.