Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

591 replies

iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:35

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

OP posts:
idkbroidk · 17/10/2024 19:11

this poor child. lowest in the list of priorities for his mother, his father, and his stepfather. :(

rwalker · 17/10/2024 19:10

I would of done but as long as they covered the cost of your PT

lunar1 · 17/10/2024 19:09

Did anyone take him? I think it's a shame for him to miss out on the presentation with his team, be part of the photos etc. you in your rights not to take him, but it's not what I'd have done.

SemperIdem · 17/10/2024 19:08

Step dad gets a free pass for not helping out then? Op should have just done it?

ImNoSuperman · 17/10/2024 19:07

Grandparents could have got a taxi. Child's mother and father and GPs could have split the cost if it was an issue.

MSLRT · 17/10/2024 19:07

Well of course you didn't have to but it would have been nice. Shame that SS missed his presentation.

Larrythebloodycat · 17/10/2024 19:06

The woman sounds weird. Why wouldn't you care more about your own child than hers? That's how it usually works.

BillboardsAreWallpaper · 17/10/2024 19:04

Tricky one.

Personally, I would have taken him, as I wouldn’t have wanted him to miss out.

On the one hand both his parents were working whereas you were doing something out of choice for yourself, but on the other hand he’s not your responsibility.

Can’t help but feel a bit sorry for him though.

WiserOlderElf · 17/10/2024 19:04

Fourtyfyve · 17/10/2024 19:02

So many posters in agreement that it was very important that the lad got to to his thing, and lucky lucky@iamiam9 should be delighted that her evening plans were considered less important that everyone else's. Nice.

For me the difference is that the OP sees her personal trainer 3 times a week but this sounds like it was a one off event. I see a personal trainer 3 times a week too and wouldn’t mind giving 1 of them up for something that was a one off. Having said that I don’t think the OP was being unreasonable because it wasn’t her responsibility, but in that situation I’d have done it.

WiserOlderElf · 17/10/2024 19:02

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 19:00

Precisely…

Show quote history

The OP said that the child’s grandparents were available to look after him but they don’t drive so couldn’t take him to the presentation.

Fourtyfyve · 17/10/2024 19:02

So many posters in agreement that it was very important that the lad got to to his thing, and lucky lucky@iamiam9 should be delighted that her evening plans were considered less important that everyone else's. Nice.

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 19:00

Pandasnacks · 17/10/2024 18:56

Where was SS in the evening then if not with any parent or anyone else who could take him?

Precisely…

Ibloodylovetea · 17/10/2024 18:57

iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:51

She isnt single mum no, but her partner was out yesterday evening with his own children.

Show quote history

OK and that is important too. I still would've done it. A chance to spend time with your SS - I'd grab it with both hands, I consider my <grown up SS> & SGC mine & (when we meet at school plays, football/rugby etc etc tell my DH's ex how grateful I am that she's happy to share SGC with me as it looks unlikely that I will have my own GCs. We get on OK - she will call me to ask if I can pick them up if she has an emergency. No problem happy & privileged to spend time with them.

Tarantella6 · 17/10/2024 18:56

For me it would depend on what the exw does for a job and what stuck at work means. And if it was so important to ds why wasn't dh already booked in to go too?

Feels a bit shit that neither of them were making much effort, if they were still together how would it have played out?

However if she's a neurosurgeon and she was elbow deep in someone's brain then I would have skipped the gym!

Pandasnacks · 17/10/2024 18:56

Where was SS in the evening then if not with any parent or anyone else who could take him?

2Little · 17/10/2024 18:54

I would have taken him because I wouldn't have wanted him to miss our. However, it's not your responsibility.

PeloMom · 17/10/2024 18:53

Summerishere123 · 17/10/2024 18:40

Depends if you would lose money? If you have to pay the PT even though you aren't going then YANBU.
Otherwise I would have done it.

No. It’s not all about money. For me personally my work outs are extremely important for my mental health- I’m a better parent and partner when I can keep my workout schedule; everyone in my family is respectful of that and would never think to ask me to skip. OP said that the 3 sessions are important to her and she has made sure they happen by organizing child care for their child.

manysausages · 17/10/2024 18:53

What does she do that meant she suddenly had to work even if it meant missing such a milestone event?

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 17/10/2024 18:53

Personally, I’d have taken the kid. But no of course you didn’t HAVE to.

Hatty65 · 17/10/2024 18:53

If I went three times a week to the gym, I'd have skipped one session to take DSS to a football presentation. It sounds like a one off, and something that would be important to him. You could still have made the gym another twice that week.

Yes, it's his parents responsibility, but they were both working. You prioritised your free time. I feel a bit sorry for him as he seems to be bottom of three adults lists.

SemperIdem · 17/10/2024 18:52

Yanbu - his actual parents are selfish for not prioritising him.

Is she also accusing her partner of “only caring about his children” as he couldn’t take SS and instead went out with them?

Original poster
iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:51

Ibloodylovetea · 17/10/2024 18:49

My feeling is that this is a matter of making sure that relationships remain congenial. Personally I'd have given up my gym session in order to do it. It was a special event, you could have missed the gym session as people more important than money. It would've been a chance to bond with SS as his father's significant other. The mother was working - good for her & felt able to reach out to you when she needed help with SS. Keeping a good relationship with you're SS's mum is important for SS's future relationship with your DP & you. You don't say, but presume she's a single mum - that's tough. YABU I'm afraid.

She isnt single mum no, but her partner was out yesterday evening with his own children.

OP posts:
Neighboursnumber1fan · 17/10/2024 18:50

If you had nothing on, I would say you were unreasonable but to have a booked paid class then fair enough

Original poster
iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:50

MyVIsForVendetta · 17/10/2024 18:37

I would have gone.

100%

To the poor kids presentation, that is. Not the gym.

Im assuming this is a reverse….

No not a reverse

OP posts:
Ibloodylovetea · 17/10/2024 18:49

My feeling is that this is a matter of making sure that relationships remain congenial. Personally I'd have given up my gym session in order to do it. It was a special event, you could have missed the gym session as people more important than money. It would've been a chance to bond with SS as his father's significant other. The mother was working - good for her & felt able to reach out to you when she needed help with SS. Keeping a good relationship with you're SS's mum is important for SS's future relationship with your DP & you. You don't say, but presume she's a single mum - that's tough. YABU I'm afraid.