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Original poster

Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

591 replies

iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:35

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

OP posts:
fdwthuj · 17/10/2024 20:04

So none of the six adults (mum, dad, stepmum, stepdad or either grandparent) cared enough to take a child to a football presentation.

Whether you were unreasonable or not I find it desperately sad that the child missed out. Stop arguing about whose responsibility it is and make important things happen for this child.

theresnolimits · 17/10/2024 20:03

So she’d help you out with babysitting your child would she? YANBU. Are you telling me she couldn’t call around and ask another parent to take him? Pay for a taxi for her parents ( now that would have been nice for him rather than you take him? Neither of his two parents could have told work that it was a non negotiable as they had plenty of notice?

She’s off loading her guilt at letting him down on you - as is your DH. Don’t fall for it.

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2024 20:02

DaniMontyRae · 17/10/2024 18:39

My pt is £40 for the hour. I wouldn't waste that to cover the child's mum who decided to prioritise work over her son.

Show quote history

Maybe she didn't have a choice?

harriethoyle · 17/10/2024 20:02

The number of bitter exes tying themselves in knots to blame @iamiam9 rather than her DSS’s mother is absolutely wild! And apparently stepdad gets a free pass 🙄🙈

Pandasnacks · 17/10/2024 20:02

Secradonugh · 17/10/2024 19:59

What about dhs parents, or siblings? Also what are there jobs where they HAD to stay late?

The dad wasn't 'staying late' he was just at work. And OP has already said what the mums job is

maclen · 17/10/2024 20:01

LisaD1 · 17/10/2024 19:13

Poor kid, not a single adult in his life made him a priority.

This

GimmeHRT · 17/10/2024 20:00

Think is it poor communication from SS mum in this case. she would have know about event in advance if there was to be a presentation.

shame of her and dad but not you

Justcallmebebes · 17/10/2024 20:00

Maybe reframe it as doing a nice thing for your young SS, your DH's son, rather than "helping his mum out". He's a kid, just be nice

Geranen · 17/10/2024 19:59

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child.

I mean does she care about your child? Would she step in to help you? Doubt it.

Secradonugh · 17/10/2024 19:59

What about dhs parents, or siblings? Also what are there jobs where they HAD to stay late?

bunnypenny · 17/10/2024 19:58

Out of interest, has she called her own partner selfish and berated him for only caring about his children, given he chose to be out with his own kids last night rather than attend the presentation…?

Geranen · 17/10/2024 19:57

Totally YANBU. The kid's mum, his dad, and his stepdad couldn't make it, and you're the one who's getting hassle about it? Your mum should watch your DD so you can go to someone else's kid's dull-ass football presentation? Nah. You need that time and no-one else seems to think it's their problem, including the kid's parents, so why should it be yours.

housethatbuiltme · 17/10/2024 19:57

My bio dad ALWAYS stood me up... he promised the world then never came through.

I never once expected my 'step-mothers' too. It would frankly be weird if they showed up without him to do stuff with me, they aren't my parent.

Sad that both parents prioritized work over their child.

Crunchymum · 17/10/2024 19:57

So there are 4 adults and not one of them could attend? Pretty shit for the poor child

(And yes the OP and her DH didn't know etc but it's still shit for the kid!!)

InterIgnis · 17/10/2024 19:56

How are you more responsible for him than his actual parents are? 😂 No, it’s not his fault his parents let him down, but it’s not your fault either, and it’s not on you to step in.

No, you’re not unreasonable at all.

newbeggins · 17/10/2024 19:55

For me, it would have depended on whether I wanted to have this memory with him, for when he's an adult.

If I didn't want to have a relationship with him later in his life or thought it unlikely I'd still be in his life, I think there are valid enough reasons why there are more important adults connected to him that could have changed their plans.

BabyCloud · 17/10/2024 19:55

You should have picked the presentation. Poor kid!!

diddl · 17/10/2024 19:55

Maybe his dad needs to make sure he knows about this stuff then so that he can go?

Dora33 · 17/10/2024 19:53

You seem to be focusing more on the ex. It's not great she left it so late to tell your dh.
But the one who has lost out is your SS in missing the awards.
I definitely think if you have 3 sessions each week, you could have missed 1 to bring him. It's not fair the late notice but your SS I think was more important than a gym session in this situation.

LBFseBrom · 17/10/2024 19:53

It wouldn't have hurt you to miss one gym night, surely.

category12 · 17/10/2024 19:52

I feel sorry for the kid. Caught up in the petty power-plays and resentments of a bunch of adults who ought to be prioritising him.

Pandasnacks · 17/10/2024 19:51

@iamiam9 I don't think you should have said yes to suit the mum though. I think I'd have said yes because I'd know it was important to my SS who lived nearly half his life with me and id be happy to ultimately help him out when know one else could. It's your DHs fault he didn't no about the presentation, 9 year olds can talk, he doesn't need all info fed to him by his ex.

Original poster
iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 19:51

ONE presentation a year. You can go to the gym anytime

I really don't know much at all about his football or what exactly yesterday was but he seems to have quite a few of these sort of things, he's often coming home with a trophy he got at a presentation. It doesn't seem to be an annual thing, more like every few months.

OP posts:
ThisOldThang · 17/10/2024 19:50

iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:51

She isnt single mum no, but her partner was out yesterday evening with his own children.

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So why didn't her partner take his kids along to watch the presentation?

I think she's taking the piss big time.

ThisOliveReader · 17/10/2024 19:50

Yes you are being unreasonable.....the basics of this is, it wasn't to help his ex out, it was to help a child receive an award. The only person benefiting from going to this presentation was your SS. The only person's feelings hurt because they couldn't go were those of a 9 year old child who is very much part of your family and lives with you 3 nights a week. You could have missed one session and you know it.