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Original poster

Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

591 replies

iamiam9 · 17/10/2024 18:35

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

OP posts:
Pinkapie · 23/10/2024 12:36

Wow, that's a harsh response. I'm glad I didn't grow up in a family like that!

InterIgnis · 23/10/2024 10:52

Xsxjxmx · 23/10/2024 10:40

Personally, as a mum of a step son, your choice was selfish. The gym would be there the next day or the day after that when you can go again, but that presentation was probably a yearly or maybe a termly thing and he missed it. How would you have felt if it was your bio child?
Kids come first, step or bio child.

Tell that to his actual parents.

No, they don’t always come first. OP bothered to arrange childcare for her own child so she could go to the gym, something that’s important to her. It isn’t on her to drop her own plans because his parent planned poorly.

Dontcallmescarface · 23/10/2024 10:51

Xsxjxmx · 23/10/2024 10:40

Personally, as a mum of a step son, your choice was selfish. The gym would be there the next day or the day after that when you can go again, but that presentation was probably a yearly or maybe a termly thing and he missed it. How would you have felt if it was your bio child?
Kids come first, step or bio child.

Well the bio parents didn't put their own child first, so why should the OP? It's not a stepparent's job to manage the parents failings Maybe if the mother had let the father and the OP know about the presentation sooner, a solution acceptable to all could have been found, but letting them know at the last minute was a dick move.

Paganpentacle · 23/10/2024 10:49

Xsxjxmx · 23/10/2024 10:40

Personally, as a mum of a step son, your choice was selfish. The gym would be there the next day or the day after that when you can go again, but that presentation was probably a yearly or maybe a termly thing and he missed it. How would you have felt if it was your bio child?
Kids come first, step or bio child.

Well. I'm assuming if her were her BIO child she'd have made the effort to attend
Just like SS's actual parents should have done.

Paganpentacle · 23/10/2024 10:47

Fourtyfyve · 17/10/2024 19:02

So many posters in agreement that it was very important that the lad got to to his thing, and lucky lucky@iamiam9 should be delighted that her evening plans were considered less important that everyone else's. Nice.

Exactly.
If it were that important you'd think one of his actual parents made the effort.

Xsxjxmx · 23/10/2024 10:40

Personally, as a mum of a step son, your choice was selfish. The gym would be there the next day or the day after that when you can go again, but that presentation was probably a yearly or maybe a termly thing and he missed it. How would you have felt if it was your bio child?
Kids come first, step or bio child.

InterIgnis · 23/10/2024 10:37

Pinkapie · 23/10/2024 07:02

Personally, I would have taken him. When you married his dad you became part of his family and as the only adult that could have taken him to something important to him that's pretty harsh.
Unfortunately regardless of anything else he'll remember that you prioritised your PT session over him and that will impact your relationship going forward.

You mean he’ll hold the person who he never expected to take him, that had no responsibility to take him, to blame over the person that actually let him down?

Maybe it will teach him that stepparents aren’t there to be dumped on. Or he’ll learn that sometimes you can’t always get what you want because life happens - the same thing a child in a nuclear family would be expected to learn in such a situation.

InterIgnis · 23/10/2024 10:33

GrumpyPanda · 23/10/2024 05:38

"No one was out of pocket"? Guess in your eyes the PT - who'd be left without a backup client for a prime slot given the last minute character of the request - counts as "no one" in your scenario. OP's already stated he might well have let her off but she couldn't in common decency accept the sacrifice.

Show quote history

She neither wanted to nor had to.

It’s common decency not to try and dump your responsibilities off on someone else then have the audacity to whine about it because they say no.

Sunburstclocklover · 23/10/2024 09:32

Pinkapie · 23/10/2024 07:02

Personally, I would have taken him. When you married his dad you became part of his family and as the only adult that could have taken him to something important to him that's pretty harsh.
Unfortunately regardless of anything else he'll remember that you prioritised your PT session over him and that will impact your relationship going forward.

How come? Is his mum bad mouthing "that selfish b*tch for not giving up her paid PT appointment! 'She' only cares about her own kid not you"? Otherwise kid wouldn't KNOW would he?! 🤔
DS only needed to know that his step mum was 'busy' which could be anything including being at home with toddler.
A strong message needs to go to the dad in all of this debacle. As ever it comes down to a DH problem. He needs to step up and get his phone and email on ALL his DS's activities then he would know what's coming up that needs a parent to book ahead.
I feel for the OP stuck between abusive ExW and useless DH.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/10/2024 08:22

JollyZebra · 22/10/2024 19:55

What work does the ex-partner? If she's a nurse, carer or something where emergencies arise then it's not unreasonable for her to ask you to help out. It depends on her job.

I would do it for the boy's sake, anyway. The situation is not his fault and he should have had someone at his presentation. Children come first, always. Step children have enough to deal with as it is.

She's a legal assistant in a law firm, so not a profession where life or death emergencies arise.

PacificAtlantic · 23/10/2024 07:59

If it was that important the mum would have got a taxi, lift, told work no, etc. ’Stuck at work’ is a vague and poor excuse if you’re then going to talk badly about someone else for not stepping in to do your job and provide the support you arrange to provide your son.
She can’t have it both ways and want you to step back on the parenting side and then expect you to cancel plans on your night to provide emergency parenting support.

Pinkapie · 23/10/2024 07:02

Personally, I would have taken him. When you married his dad you became part of his family and as the only adult that could have taken him to something important to him that's pretty harsh.
Unfortunately regardless of anything else he'll remember that you prioritised your PT session over him and that will impact your relationship going forward.

Sorti · 23/10/2024 06:55

I would have changed my plans for that.

MassiveSalad22 · 23/10/2024 06:47

GrumpyPanda · 23/10/2024 05:38

"No one was out of pocket"? Guess in your eyes the PT - who'd be left without a backup client for a prime slot given the last minute character of the request - counts as "no one" in your scenario. OP's already stated he might well have let her off but she couldn't in common decency accept the sacrifice.

Show quote history

Pretty common to still have to pay for a missed session if you don’t give enough notice. My clients get billed if they don’t show up.

(I posted previously that OP INBU at all so definitely don’t think she should have skipped PT! But still my point stands)

GrumpyPanda · 23/10/2024 05:38

Lulu49 · 22/10/2024 17:30

Both parents, the boys mum and dad were both working. Based on what the OP said about the PT being a lovely person he may well have worked with her re getting another session in at a different time so no one was out of pocket. It was a presentation so unless the mum has form for never attending these kinds of things I would have put the stepson before a gym session.

"No one was out of pocket"? Guess in your eyes the PT - who'd be left without a backup client for a prime slot given the last minute character of the request - counts as "no one" in your scenario. OP's already stated he might well have let her off but she couldn't in common decency accept the sacrifice.

GrumpyPanda · 23/10/2024 05:32

SundayBloodySunday · 22/10/2024 19:49

What would you have done if it were your child? If I'd entered into a marriage with a man with a child, I would probably treat his children the same as mine, especially if it weren't really that big of a deal. Like cancelling your PT

RTFT. The child's mother views any attempts by OP to actually treat the child "the same as hers" as overstepping - in other words, there'd be a major tantrum. Yet OP's good enough to be called on as unpaid staff on what isn't even her partner's scheduled time.

LuckyPeachBee · 22/10/2024 23:43

Yet if it was his mums turn to look after him. Should she not allow for this ?
I do agree though and would have taken him, instead of the gym

Littlesandjoolz · 22/10/2024 22:52

I dont think I could have let him be there without a parent or step parent. I do think work trumps a gym session. I agree parent should have organized work better, but occasionally things do come up

Sunburstclocklover · 22/10/2024 21:48

Supertayto · 17/10/2024 20:31

What was in the best interests of your SS? That’s what you should have done. It might teach her a lesson about organisation and priorities, but it also teaches him that all of the adults in his life let him down last night - his parents because of their jobs and you because of the gym. I’m afraid it’s you that comes off badly there.

And his stepfather who prioritised his own children! Does the step dad get a free pass? It seems so with so many posters guilt tripping and judgey comments.

ThisRedLion · 22/10/2024 21:18

No your not being unreasonable at all

SezFrankly · 22/10/2024 19:59

Only you know whether you were unreasonable truly. Did you mean to be? Are you on good terms with SS and the ex? Would you have cancelled your gym class for your son’s presentation?
Would you have taken him, if the gym class hadn’t got in your way.

JollyZebra · 22/10/2024 19:55

What work does the ex-partner? If she's a nurse, carer or something where emergencies arise then it's not unreasonable for her to ask you to help out. It depends on her job.

I would do it for the boy's sake, anyway. The situation is not his fault and he should have had someone at his presentation. Children come first, always. Step children have enough to deal with as it is.

GertieET · 22/10/2024 19:53

Sorry I am a step parent (2nd time) and a parent and this seems absolutely ridiculous. If the event was so important I'm certain the child would have wanted at least one parent present. I wouldn't dream of asking my child's step parent to fill in my space unless I was in hospital or some other dire situation. No way should you have cancelled your plans. As much as I'm sure you care for you SS he isn't your child he has two parents that should have changed their plans.
If the event wasn't important enough for them, then it isn't important enough for you!

BettyBardMacDonald · 22/10/2024 19:52

TulaTwo · 22/10/2024 18:18

Poor boy. This was your chance to be a good Stepmum, put all your feelings for your DH’s ex aside, and show him that he can rely on you. If you’re going to be in his life long-term, wouldn’t that be a better foundation to build your relationship on?

Poor boy because his parents and grandparents couldn't get their shit together to get him to the event. OR his stepfather.

This was their chance to show him that he can rely upon them.

Lillush · 22/10/2024 19:49

I'm thinking 3 slots of me time a week is good with a toddler, so well done to you for that. When you stated it's dh and ex's problem, that's quite revealing as to how you feel about SS ? I think you could have cancelled just once for this, and possibly asked DH for some me time back in the week seeing as how you changed plans. I'm being child centred, I imagine the SS was a little disappointed he couldn't go. Sorry