Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

All the people going on about 'gym sessions' are conveniently forgetting she had an appointment with her personal trainer. It's more like missing a dentist appointment.

ODFOD. We're living in financially difficult times. The OP additionally reads like the ex has no new partner. Prioritising work is sometimes what we have to do. Can't be risking our jobs when there's only one wage coming in. Not everyone has the luxury of permanent flexibility alongside bill paying.

The Ex says that I only care about my child

The OP replies, errr sorry, your point is .....??

This is what I’m wondering too.

“She has a habit of never informing DH of things like this so it was actually the first he'd heard of the presentation”

Why is it up to her to inform him? Presumably he knows which football club his own son belongs to and could get himself added to email lists/whatsapp groups etc?!

I’d have taken the kid to his presentation. But I’d also be telling my husband to sort himself out and keep himself up to date with his kid’s activities so he can plan to be at the next one himself.

Look you didn’t want to do it so you didn’t. It’s not your child 🤷🏻‍♀️. Fine - you prioritised
the gym which is totally your right. Hopefully no one does that to your child one day.

Do I think you were being selfish? Yes. But that’s my opinion. It’s not the child’s fault yet they were punished for it. Pretty shit for them. But that’s my opinion - why would you care about it?

If SS is with you 3 nights a week then why doesn't your DH know what's happening with him?

My ex would always get me to relay everything because he couldn't be bothered asking school/clubs to copy him into the text messages/emails and he didn't want involved in the group chats. Another job for me. Nothing stops your DH getting this information for himself.

Everyone on here saying 'not your child, not your problem'.....what is wrong with you? If you are a part of a 9 year old childs life, enough to have them live with you 3 nights a week!! (half the year, presuming for family celebrations birthdays/Christmas/holidays etc) how can you possibly just disregard their feelings and just say 'you're not my kid, so I'm just going to do what I want to do. I know you are upset and I could have done something of little inconvenience to myself to make you happy, but I don't care about you enough.'

@iamiam9 how would you like your DSS to remember this incident? Believe me if it was a big thing at football, he’ll remember.

How would you feel about him knowing that his parents were tied up with work - and yes it happens, and you had a choice but chose not to take him.

Mean. Poor child misses out because of selfish adults.

I would have taken the kid to the special presentation thing. It doesn't sound like just routine childcare or a thing they do every week - it sounds like it was a one-off need for something that was important to a kid who now knows he's less important than a regular gym session. Poor kid.

As others have pointed out she's an office worker, not a surgeon. I'd guess she could have said she had to leave.

This. While i dont think it is op’s responsibility, the kid missed out.

No way I would have dropped my plans. His stepdad should have sacked off his, his grandparents could have taken a taxi paid by one of his parents. The buck doesn't stop with the OP like her time is less important. Do it once and it's expected. Better to have a line drawn in the sand.

I’d have either gone myself or asked whoever was watching the toddler to take him but we are very much a blended family and don’t do “his and ours.”

I would miss the gym to help my niece out, and think it would have been the right thing to do.

The mum is massively unreasonable to call you selfish though. The mum failed to prioritise her own child because she was banking on other people picking up the slack.

If she is working full time and has a toddler, it’s probable that the workouts are a means of making everything work. I personally found if I exercised frequently, I had the stamina to do everything on my plate. Exercise is a form of stress training.

That’s on his parents to consider.

OP doesn’t come off badly for not taking responsibility for something that wasn’t her responsibility.

While I get the points you've made, that's not what I'm saying. At all.

Ex can be the worst mum in the world, doesn't take away from OPs actions being a step mum. I've had step children but my children haven't had a step mum so I'm not projecting. I just can't imagine behaving this way. The kids don't do the inviting so why take their mothers non invite out on them? She does at least want someone there for them. Everyone makes their own choices, DC parents included. OP made hers.

We'll agree to disagree.

That’s a very big reach.

At the end of the day the OP could have changed plans so a DC didn't miss out.

They chose not to, and to go to a regular gym class instead.

This wouldn't be the decision I made for my DC, DSC or even a niece nephew or friend if asked.

Poor kid surrounded by all these unorganised, selfish people. You all need to step up. Disgusting.

What was in the best interests of your SS? That’s what you should have done. It might teach her a lesson about organisation and priorities, but it also teaches him that all of the adults in his life let him down last night - his parents because of their jobs and you because of the gym. I’m afraid it’s you that comes off badly there.

They presumably could have got a cab there and back.

Son was at his mother's for the evening. So she was responsible for him. She was at work so he was old enough to be in on his own. OP said the request was to take him, not to stay and watch. Mum should have made an effort if it was that important, it was during her time with him and if nobody else could then she could have asked another parent who was going to pick him up or order a cab if he was old enough. On top of that it was a last minute request as she was 'stuck' at work.

Maybe she should have asked her own DP, why should they try and guilt trip you when neither of his parents prioritised him.
What exactly is 'stuck at work'? Im sure she could have left if she really wanted to.