Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

The bar for “like own child” is quite significantly lower for step dad’s who after all, live with the mothers who do all the real heavy lifting. This is quite obvious.

Does your DH ask about football? Is there a group he can be added to so he's aware? Why doesn't he know of these things?

I have to spoon feed my useless ex all football stuff but do it for my son not him as he's a usless twat who would never ask.

Knowing how important football is to kids I would have taken him but would have probs been slightly dickish and said how glad I was to be there blah blah.

If her son's presentation was that important, she should have walked out of work on time on time for it, unless she works in emergency medical field.

I just don’t see how you can love a husband/wife but yet have absolutely no regard for their child/children.

Imagine a child needing you for help in any situation, and you say “Sorry child, you’re not mine. I’m not going to help you”.

It’s incredibly sad. And I’m so glad I was raised differently to a lot of set-ups I see on MN.

OP sounds selfish. Her husband sounds selfish. The child’s mother should selfish. The child’s step-dad sounds selfish. 4 adults unwilling to plan ahead and change plans so a child misses out on a special evening. Bonkers.

That’s the bit I can’t compute. My stepdad always treated me like I was his own child. It’s grim to think that this was the exception rather than the rule, but this thread suggests that maybe it is.

Christ above, the people on here accusing the SM of being selfish!

Why is she responsible for the mother and father’s lack of planning and back-up planning, given that their jobs are so much more important than their son’s extracurricular activity.

If the son’s event were so important then there should have been a back up plan in place.

OP’s gym session was rightfully more important to her than picking up the slack for either of the kid’s actual parents.

She may have felt differently about her own child, but then that would be her own child.

So? She didn’t need to, have to, or want to.

He was at work. A gym session is less important than work, no? I mean, pretend for a moment that this is not about an inconvenient step child, but an actual child who is loved. Would it not be normal for a parent to give up one of their three weekly gym sessions to cover for another parent being caught at work?

The stepparent doesn’t ‘need’ to do anything. They may choose to, but they don’t need to.

Stepparents don’t have to consider their stepchildren their own at all, given that they’re not. Not treating someone that isn’t your child, like your child, isn’t treating them like ‘second class citizens’. A stepchild remains the sole responsibility of their parents, whether those parents are married or partnered with others or not.

OP didn’t put any kids first.

I do lots for my own child that I don’t for my step children. Because they have two parents and I am not one of them. I treat them well but do not, and will not ever, think of them “as my own”.

Exactly. Feels like a choice to me - especially as she knew about it earlier in the day…

You forgot about stepdad who was busy prioritising his bio children

Yes. She is a single mother. She's not with the child's father and presumably hasn't remarried as she has a boyfriend.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Or perhaps her own partner could have stepped up and altered his plans and help her. Just a thought.

In fact the OP is the last in the line of people who should be expected to step up.

A) mum as it was her contact time
B) dad
C) mums partner as it was her contact time
D) 😐

Mumsnet is so weird about step-children.

It’s as if they’re aliens and second class citizens.

There’s going to be times when a child’s two parents may have difficulties with certain events/etc and the step-parent will need to step in.

Don’t get into a relationship with someone who already has children if you’re free unwilling to treat that child like your own. (Not directly at you OP, to anyone).

What about the boy's actual, you know, FATHER?

Exactly.

Why didn't the step-dad change plans and take his bio kids to the stepson's presentation? And then all out to McDonald's or something afterward? No one is having a go at him for not changing HIS plans.

Why on earth is the OP, out of six adults (counting the grandparents who can get a taxi) who declined to change their plans, being the one getting a hard time here?

Yes to a presentation, no to a normal football game. Sorry op yabu here

“SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening”

This has only really registered on rereading. OP doesn’t even now bother to know what she wasn’t willing to give up a gym session for. A match where the team had no subs and were left short? A presentation where her not-really son was getting an award?

Maybe I’m just unusually lucky to have grown up in a family where all three of us were equally important to my (step) dad (my siblings’ biological dad) but the idea of not being treated as an equal is quite disturbing.

@iamiam9

She isnt single mum no, but her partner was out yesterday evening with his own children.
So everyone was busy with their commitments and feel you should be the one to break your commitments

Fucking typical

You did nothing wrong

I think as a one off I'd have done it but you say it's part of a pattern her dumping on you and oh last minute. Add to that how dare you interfere with parenting but oh please can you do the school run etc I think saying no is fair.

I say this as both a step mum and mother of kids who have a step mum. I rarely get asked to do anything for my step kids. I initially I was asked to cover sick days and I did but once I was put in my place that I can't influence parenting decisions I completely checked out of their care when they were with us. I'd still have taken them to a presentation but I never get asked after I stepped back. I don't look like the bad guy for not doing stuff because it's not my remit. My own kids step mum has the utter piss taken out of her, my ex leaves all parenting to her, she drives and he doesn't so she does running around after the kids, she took a week off work to care for ds not ex. Now when she says no my kids get upset and feel rejected and I bet their dad gets pissed off she's said no. I repeatedly tell my kids what she does is above and beyond as really it's their dads responsibility not hers. They understand but still they feel rejected because of hey are so used to her stepping up.

Essentially I'm saying if you don't want them to be pissed off when you don't step up then don't let them expect that of you. Stop doing morning school runs if you are not an equal parent with decisions etc. I think I'm the only one who appreciates my kids poor step mum it's not fair to her and so many step mums are treated that way

She isn’t responsible, so that would be why. If she chooses to assume some responsibilities then that’s entirely her choice, not something she’s actually obliged to do.

Op matters, as does her gym time. That his mother let him down does not mean he becomes OP’s priority, problem, or responsibility.

Families have to have better back up than that. Why do adults always defend their right to choose but don't respect their responsibilities in the larger family unit. You're all parenting these children....100% I would have gone for him. I imagine you would have appreciated the help if the boot were on the other foot? Children matter, children's lives matter and so does their self esteem.